Chevy Stevens - Never Knowing

My temper reared but I held it in. Shut up for Ally. Do it for Ally .

He motioned to the dresser. “Put on your pajamas.”

I took out one of Evan’s T-shirts — one he knows I hate — and a pair of his boxers, which I never wear, hoping he would notice these details after I was dead. I put them on.

“Now we’re going to get some paper for your suicide note.”

After I found a pen and a pad of paper in my office, we headed downstairs. Once we were in the kitchen, he gestured to a half-empty bottle of Shiraz on the counter.

“Take that and sit at the table.”

I sat and stared at him.

“Drink some straight from the bottle.”

I took a swill.

He said, “Again.”

I did it, gagging on the last mouthful. Some spilled on my T-shirt. I thought about the lethal concoction already spreading through my veins, wondered how long it would take to stop my heart. Billy looked around the kitchen and back to me, assessing the scene again.

“Good. Now start writing. When the pills kick in you’re going to go lie on the couch.”

“Ally, she’ll find me in the morning and—”

“I’ll stop by first thing and find your body before she wakes up. And I’ll make sure she’s out of the house when the police show up.”

“Promise you won’t let her see me.”

“Sure.”

When I picked up the pen my hand was shaking violently. I had to think of something that would stall him so I could come up with a plan. But even if I could get to the alarm — then what?

“Write the letter, Sara.”

It wasn’t hard to write a sad good-bye letter. I told them how much I loved them, how sorry I was, how much I was going to miss them, but this was the only thing I could do. I cried the whole time I was writing. I wanted to stab Billy in the eye with the pen, but you couldn’t stab a man with anything when he was pointing a gun at you. Ally would be okay. Evan would take care of her. She’d grow up hating me, thinking I’d abandoned her. But at least she’d get to grow up.

When I was done Billy said, “Now we wait.”

Fear tight in my throat, I said, “You’re never going to get away with this.”

“No one will ever suspect me — and you know it.”

The phone rang and we both jumped. I looked upstairs, praying Ally didn’t wake.

“Let’s hope she’s a deep sleeper,” Billy said as it rang for the second time. She is once she gets going, but she hadn’t been asleep for long. I held my breath as I waited for her to call out for me. Thankfully she was silent and the phone didn’t ring again — it must have gone to voice mail. I remember Melanie’s number was on the call display when I first got home. Thinking she’d called to tell me off, I’d ignored it, but now I wished I could call her and tell her I was sorry a million times over. My chest heaved with the effort to hold in panicky sobs.

It had been at least fifteen minutes since I’d taken the pills. I couldn’t stop the tears streaming down my face now. I was going to die and I didn’t get to kiss my daughter. I’d barely hugged Evan good-bye. We never got a chance to be married. Stop it, Sara. Calm down so you can think of a way out of this. If I kept talking, I might be able to stay alert enough to at least buy myself some time to come up with a plan.

“They might not suspect you right away, but they’re not going to believe I killed myself. My family, Evan, my therapist, everyone knows I wouldn’t do this to Ally — and I’m getting married. I was just talking to one of my sisters about my bachelorette party. Why would I—” “There’s a suicide note in your handwriting. They’ll believe it.” But something flickered in his eyes.

“My phone records show we talked tonight — you were the last person to see me alive. Your fingerprints are all over the dishes.”

“I came over to talk to you because you were upset.” He shrugged. “I didn’t realize you were suicidal.”

“But you’re a trained professional, you should’ve known. There’ll be an investigation, Billy.”

“I’ll deal with it. This will work.”

He was too calm. Nothing was shaking him. Panic came crashing back in on me, paralyzing my every thought except that time was running out. I was going to die.

I stared at Billy. Everything started to feel distant and slow, like I was moving underwater. I heard a roaring in my ears and wondered if I was going to pass out. Then Billy shifted his stance and my eyes landed on his tattoos.

Weakness stems from preparing against attack. Strength stems from obliging the enemy to prepare against an attack.

That was it. I’d found my strategy. I had to go on the attack. The fear left my body as my mind cleared.

“Like how your plan to catch John worked?”

His eyes narrowed. “It did work.”

“You never caught him — I killed him. I had to do your job for you.”

His hand tightened on the gun. I flashed to the conversation we’d had about how he used to have a temper. He’d trained himself to channel it and to hold it in, but that didn’t mean it wasn’t still there. What had he said about kickboxing? The opponent who loses his cool loses his coordination. Maybe if I provoked him, he’d let down his guard and I could make a break for the phone or the alarm.

“ The Art of War didn’t help. It’s all just a bunch of crap.”

“This case proves it works.”

He said the words with conviction, but there was a slight flush to his neck. I’d touched a nerve.

“Nobody will take that stupid book you’re writing seriously — definitely not the RCMP. Even Sandy doesn’t listen to you.”

The flush crawling up his neck darkened. “She will. When she reads it and sees how it helped the case.”

“But you’re leaving out the part where you shot Evan, aren’t you? That’s why you’re killing me. Because if the truth comes out, then everyone knows you’re a liar — all your strategies and plans are bullshit. You broke the law .” “It works. I just needed one big case to prove it. And I did.”

“No, Billy, you screwed up. You told me I had to be patient but you took matters into your own hands. Then an officer — your partner —got hurt. You rushed things and it escalated John.”

“John had to be stopped. Because of my actions he’ll never kill another woman.”

“But if you kill me you’re a murderer too, and—”

“I told you, I’m not going to jail — not for saving lives.”

“You didn’t care about stopping a killer or saving lives. Everything you’ve done all along has been for yourself.” His eyes were still dark, but he’d managed to calm himself down. I was starting to feel drowsy and light-headed. I had to take another shot. “You don’t care about any of the people he murdered.” “You don’t know the first thing about me.”

“I know the RCMP are going to laugh when they find out what you did. This isn’t the first time you screwed up. Remember the old lady who got shot because you broke into that rapist’s house?”

He stood up. “You stupid bitch. You don’t—”

“You couldn’t control the case and you couldn’t control me. You broke the law to make the case fit the strategies, not the other way around.”

“If I was you, I’d shut up now.” A vein started to pulse in Billy’s forehead and he took a step toward me.

We both heard the crunch of tires on the gravel outside at the same time.

“Don’t move,” Billy said. “Shit, it’s your sister. You say one word and I’ll blow her head off.” Oh, God, Lauren.

I wanted to scream and warn her, but Ally was in the house and it was too late. Billy was already opening the door.