Chevy Stevens - Never Knowing

“It’s great you have someone like that in your life.”

“Evan thinks so too.” I laughed. “Saves him a lot of grief when I work things out with her first.” Then I thought of Evan alone at the hospital and a fresh wave of anxiety washed over me. “I’m going to call the hospital again.” The nurse told me Evan was stable but he’d be heavily sedated for the rest of the night, so it would be better to come back in the morning.

“I should be up there with him, Billy. I hate this.”

“I’d feel the exact same way, but it’s getting dark and that road isn’t safe at the best of times.”

“But what if he takes a turn for the worse or John goes there and—”

“Then it’s the last place you should be. Number one, Evan is well guarded. The members watching him are senior officers. Number two, I’m sure the doctors are keeping a close eye on him. They’ll call if there are complications. If you were my fiancée and I was in the hospital, I’d want you to stay where you were safe.” I groaned. “Evan would probably say the same thing.”

“With John in town you should have protection. We can call Sandy or I can—”

I held up my hand. “Not Sandy. I’ll make up the spare room.”

“I should probably stay down here on the couch — closer to the door.”

“Sure.” Even though it was still early evening, I brought down some blankets and started making up the couch. Billy came over to help. As he reached for the edge of the sheet our arms brushed, which made me break out in goose bumps. At the same moment I thought, Billy smells good.

I stepped back quickly.

Billy stopped tucking in the sheet and straightened up. “You okay?”

My face burned as I said, “Yeah, totally. But my neck’s a little sore. Think I’m just going to have a hot bath and hit the sheets.” I headed for the stairs. “It’s been a long day. And I told Nadine I’d call her early — she’s doing some research tonight about serial killers. Not that I’ll be able to sleep.” Shut up, Sara.

“Why don’t you take something? Didn’t you say your psychiatrist prescribed something for anxiety?”

“Ativan.” I glanced at him. “But is it safe for me to take something with John out there?”

Billy spread his arms wide and grinned. “Who’s going to get through me?”

I forced a smile back. “Thanks for staying over, Billy.”

“Just doing my job, little lady,” he said in a John Wayne voice as he pretended to swagger. I laughed, then spun around and started up the stairs.

Billy said, “Wait, what’s your alarm code — I’ll set it.”

I rattled the numbers off as I was still walking. At the landing I said, “Okay, good night, then,” but didn’t wait to hear his response before I shut the bedroom door. I stood in the middle of my room and shook my head. God, Billy must be totally wondering why I was acting weird. I was wondering that myself. As I watched Ally’s pink-fleece-clad chest rise and fall — she was sound asleep on my bed with Moose — I went over the moment in my mind.

Why was I suddenly noticing how good Billy smells? The entire time I’d been with Evan I’d never found another man attractive — not once. The only reason I never felt bad about spending so much time with Billy was because it was nothing. Nothing for him and, I thought, nothing for me.

No, this was stupid, it was still nothing. I was allowed to notice something nice about a good-looking man — I wasn’t dead. And it wasn’t like I threw him down on the couch and jumped his bones. I’m sure there were women at the lodge Evan thought were pretty. This didn’t mean anything. It was probably one of those transference things. Billy represented safety and I was distracting myself from my real fear: losing Evan.

I poured a hot bath and soaked in the lavender-scented bubbles. But I couldn’t stop thinking about Evan being shot. Even though I hadn’t been there, I could see his body jerk with the impact, see him fall, then drag himself to the boat. My mind tortured myself with thoughts of what might’ve happened if John had been successful. Then I thought of all the times I’d been short with Evan lately or ignored him completely because I was so caught up in my drama.

I gave up on the bath and popped an Ativan, then pulled on one of Evan’s shirts and crawled into bed with Ally and Moose. Ally was on my side, but I left her there and whispered a good night as I kissed her cheek and smoothed her hair off her face. The book Billy had given me was still on the night table where I’d put it the day we went for a drive. Hoping it might distract me, I thumbed through the pages. One quote—“All warfare is based on deception”—jumped out. I’d tried to deceive John, but he won that battle hands down. As I scanned more pages I saw how Billy might’ve used some of the strategies, especially the ones about espionage and waging war.

Then I saw a quote that jarred me. “In the whole army none should be closer to the commander than his spies, none more highly awarded, none more confidentially treated.” Had Billy been using some of these strategies on me ?

Nice, Sara. You found the man attractive and you’re feeling guilty, so you’re looking for ways to make him a jerk. Billy was just a dedicated cop. I put the book back on the table. Then I buried my face in Evan’s pillow, inhaling his clean scent, telling myself over and over, Everything’s going to be fine. Everything’s going to be fine. Everything’s going to be fine.

The next morning I made breakfast while Billy entertained Ally, but it looked like it was Ally who was entertaining Billy as she tried to wrestle one of her stuffed animals away from Moose. I was glad they were having fun, since Billy was going to watch her when I went up to see Evan. Billy said Sandy could stay with Ally and he’d escort me to the hospital, but I needed a little space from him after my weird reaction the night before. Not that I told Billy that. I just said I needed the drive to clear my head and asked if a patrol car could follow.

He said, “I would’ve sent one whether you liked it or not. Someone’s gotta keep an eye on you.” Then he smiled and I tried to smile back, but my mind was spinning with worry. I’d tried to call you a couple of times that morning and was upset when you didn’t answer. When I mentioned it to Billy he said you probably had an emergency with another patient, but I thought, What could be more important than a serial killer?

On the way to the hospital I put everything else out of my mind and focused on what I wanted to do about John. He’d just proved by shooting Evan that he wasn’t going to go away quietly. I thought about stopping at Lauren’s or my parents’ on the way home to hash it out, but part of me didn’t want to add more opinions to the mix, especially when I already knew what they’d be. My mind bounced all over the chart, but it kept going back to my original thought: meeting John was the only way out of this whole mess.

Before I went in to see Evan I sat in the parking lot of the hospital and tried to pull myself together. I was going to be upbeat and positive for him. The last things he needed right now were my fears and angst. I could do this. My resolve was rewarded as I walked into Evan’s room and he flashed his best boyish grin.

“Hi, baby. I don’t think your father likes me.”

I burst into tears.

“Aw, Sara, don’t cry. That was supposed to make you laugh.”

I hurled myself into the chair beside his bed and leaned on the mattress.

“I’m so sorry, Evan. For all of this.”

“You goof, you didn’t shoot me. Wait, did you?” He smiled.

“ No .”

“Then shut up and give your fiancé a kiss.” After we shared a lingering kiss, and then another, I told him everything that had been happening. I wanted to tell him John had called again, but the nurses kept interrupting. Then the doctor came in. He’d just finished telling us Evan was going to be transported down to Nanaimo that afternoon when one of the officers stepped into the room.