Adrian Magson - No Help For The Dying

‘She never made contact, then?’

‘No. She never did. That wasn’t normal, was it?’ Susan stared at Riley with a look of intense pleading, as if confirmation of her daughter having been beyond helping herself in some way would confer a degree of mitigation for her lack of contact. ‘Could you get me some water, please?’ She pointed towards a glass on the bedside table.

Riley held it out so she could sip from the straw on one side. She swallowed and sank back, nodding in gratitude. Even the few words spoken so far had plainly been an effort. The minutes ticked away, punctuated by Susan’s shallow breathing and the noise of birds in the trees outside. In the distance a petrol engine sputtered into life, then faded to a buzz. Riley held onto the bony hand and wondered if she hadn’t been wrong to come here.

‘You look well, ’ said Susan suddenly. Her voice was stronger, and her hand held Riley’s with renewed vigour, as if the brief silence had recharged her depleted batteries. ‘I’m glad you came.’

They talked for a while, exchanging pleasantries, with the sounds of Mrs Francis moving around downstairs. The talk centred mostly on life here, what Susan did, had done and planned yet to do. There was no mention of her illness. From what she said, life had not been easy and her move to the coast had not offered the escape she had been searching for. She asked Riley about herself, but her interest seemed to wane after a few minutes, and in spite of holding hands it was like talking to someone behind a screen.

After a brief lull in the conversation, Susan said, ‘There’s something I have to tell you, Riley. About Katie.’

Riley felt her stomach tense. Was there anything she didn’t already know? Surely not.

‘When Katie… when she went, there was something I didn’t tell you. Didn’t tell anyone. She and her father had been… on different sides for a long while. She was going through the difficult age and nothing was ever simple. She was a teenager, what can I say? Everything was black and white… no grey areas, and neither John nor I could say much without causing an argument. Poor man, he took the worst of it. Rows, sullen behaviour, furious sulks, throwing things, staying out all night… it was pretty unpleasant. Then, one day she came home and told me she was pregnant.’

The surprise was total. Katie pregnant? Of all the things Riley might have expected to hear, this wasn’t even anywhere near the list.

‘By whom? Since when?’

‘I didn’t believe her at first. God knows, I didn’t want to. She was so young… still at the beginning of her life. I had no idea she was already doing… that. But in the end I was forced to face up to it.’ She gave a weak cough, and Riley helped her to more water.

‘Why didn’t you tell anyone?’ The words came out slightly sharper than Riley intended, but given the climate at the time, she was sure it would have made a difference to the attitude and response of the authorities.

Susan seemed to read her mind. ‘She was only two months gone,’ she said softly. ‘I wanted to tell the police — and you — but John… he would have been so upset. It would have destroyed him.’

‘You never told him?’

‘I know — you’ll think that was wrong. So do I, sometimes. But I knew him, you see… knew how he thought. How much he loved Katie. Sad enough that his only daughter leaves home; think about how much worse it would have been if he’d learned about her expecting a child.’ She shook her head slowly, eyes closing. ‘He was a very moral man, you see. Much more so than I. His parents were very strict churchgoers, and he was ingrained from birth. The idea of an illegitimate baby would have been unthinkable. It was better he believed she had gone alone than because of …’ She rolled her head on the pillow and opened her eyes again to look out of the window. ‘A few moments of careless fumblings and your whole life becomes a mess. That’s all it was… carelessness. I know what he would have said. He would have closed his mind to the whole thing, shut it away like a sordid little secret in some deep part of his mind, never to be mentioned or talked of again.’

‘Would Katie have known that?’

‘Oh, yes. She didn’t hold with his views, you see. She thought he was narrow-minded and pious. Too anal, I think she called him one day, when they argued. I didn’t really know what it meant, but John was furious.’

Riley felt her breathing beginning to tighten as an awful prospect began to take hold in her mind. Yet her instincts kicked against it. ‘Did they argue a lot?’

‘A fair bit. Sniping, mostly, from Katie, once she knew how to get under his skin. He couldn’t stand up to her when she began shouting.’ She paused and stared into the distance. ‘But inside he would have been dying. He loved her so much. You have no idea what this… this kind of thing can do to a family. One minute things were fine. Next our world seemed to be tearing itself apart.’

‘But you bore it.’ Alone, she almost said, trying to imagine the woman’s torture.

‘Not so well, as it turned out. I don’t like saying it and may the Good Lord forgive me, but there were moments when… well, I actually hated Katie. Hated what she did to her father… what she did to us. And there was no reason for it. That’s what I find so hard to understand. If it was simply the pregnancy, I would have helped her. I might even have found a way of convincing John. But once she’d gone, it was too late.’

‘Was there anything else it could have been — that made her leave, I mean?’ Riley squeezed the question out, dreading the reply.

‘I honestly don’t know. I don’t think so, but…’

‘But what?’

‘Not long before she left, Katie became… secretive. As if she knew something the rest of us didn’t. Something huge that we weren’t in on and never would be. She used to get all starry-eyed and say odd things, about how much we didn’t know or how we were unaware of things — especially her father. Yet she never told us what those things were. It was like she was laughing at us for being ignorant, when all the time she was the only one who knew what she was talking about. It was as if she had an invisible friend, urging her on.’

Was that something they had all ignored back then, Riley wondered. The possibility of someone waiting in the background? But would that have been enough to pull Katie away, even given the atmosphere Susan had described?

Riley recalled Donald mentioning that the body by the Thames was wearing a crucifix. After what Susan had just told her, she was surprised Katie would have tolerated ever wearing a symbol of her father’s faith. But people change. Maybe Katie had, too, over the years. ‘Well, she evidently believed in something,’ she said gently, rubbing Susan’s hand. ‘Maybe in the end that’s all she needed. Did the police say when they would send you her things?’

Susan’s head rolled on the pillow, her eyes closing. ‘Things? Oh, there wasn’t much. They said they had identified her by a bracelet. I’d like to have that… something to remind me.’

‘And the crucifix. You’ll want that, too.’

Susan’s eyes flickered open, confused. ‘Crucifix? No, dear, that can’t be right. Katie wouldn’t have worn a crucifix. They must have made a mistake.’ She stared hard at Riley, shaking her head with insistence.

Riley leaned closer, feeling the older woman’s breath on her face, sour and with a trace of mint. ‘I’m sorry. I don’t follow. What do you mean?’

Susan gave Riley a dry smile, as if she was talking to a child. ‘Katie didn’t believe in Christianity. Her father put her right off it. It’s what most of their rows were about.’

‘Are you sure?’