David Jackson - Pariah

He disappears into the dark lobby. The two uniformed cops stationed at the door send semaphore signals to each other with their eyebrows.

Doyle takes a step toward the building, but no farther. He knows he can’t fight this.

‘I can’t fucking go home!’ he yells. ‘Tell me where the fuck I’m supposed to go now!’

But there’s no answer. Just the noises of the city going by like a river around a stone.

‘Hello?’

Her voice. He really needs that voice right now.

‘Rachel?’

‘Cal! Honey! How are you?’

‘I. . yeah, I’m good. What about you? And Amy?’

‘Oh, Cal, you should have seen her today. Danced her little heart out. I never knew she could dance so well.’

Yeah, the dance show. Amy getting a medal. One of those milestones in your child’s development you just can’t miss. And he wasn’t there for her. He let her down.

‘It’s the Irish in her. All the Irish can dance a good jig. I wish I coulda been there.’

‘Yeah, I do too. But, well. .’

‘Yeah. Did she miss me?’

‘She’s been asking for you all day. She’s saved a dance just for you. For when you come home.’

‘That’s nice. Tell her I can’t wait to see it. Tell her I’ll bring her a little present home.’

‘I will. That’ll be soon, won’t it? You coming home, I mean.’

‘Are you kidding? With your husband on the case? How long can it take?’

‘It’s already been forever.’

‘Yeah. Yeah, I know. Just. . keep your chin up, okay? For Amy’s sake.’

‘I. . okay. But it’s not the same without you here. I don’t even know what day you’re coming home. It’s not right, Cal. It’ll be Christmas soon. We need to be together, as a family.’

‘Hey, shush. You think there’s any way I’m not going to be there for Christmas? I’ll be home way before then.’

‘You promise?’

‘Swear to God. Maybe I’ll bring an early Christmas present for you, too.’

‘Just bring you home, Cal. Safe and sound.’

‘Don’t I always?’

‘I mean it, Cal. I don’t want to be called out to a hospital again. I don’t want the next time I see you to be in a morgue. I don’t want. .’

Tears again. And not just in Rachel.

‘Rachel. Rachel. I’m fine, and I’m gonna stay fine. Keep an eye on that apartment door. I’ll be back before you know it.’

‘Solve the case, Cal. Just solve the case.’

How? When he’s virtually a prisoner in this fucking hotel?

‘I. . yeah. I’ll solve the case.’

‘Cal?’

‘What?’

‘I love you.’

‘I love you too, honey.’

And that’s the only thing he’s got right now.

He lies on his bed for half an hour, hands clasped behind his head. He stares at an abstract painting on the wall and wonders what it’s an abstraction of. He realizes that his brain just isn’t wired in a way that will allow him to move beyond the colored circles and squares he can see. Decides that the only circle that will take him to a higher plane is the rim of a beer glass.

The bar on the first floor is almost deserted. Just a middle-aged couple tucked into a corner booth, whispering sweet somethings and exchanging meaningful smiles.

They’re married, Doyle thinks. But not to each other. Call me cynical. .

He takes a stool at the bar, and George the swarthy Greek glides over like he’s on casters.

‘Irish?’ he asks.

Doyle says, ‘Yeah. Is it the way I walk?’ But when that just gets him a puzzled frown he adds, ‘No, better just make it a beer. Gimme a. .’ he scans the bottles in the refrigerated cabinet behind the bartender, ‘. .a Heineken.’

One bottle of Heineken later he’s back on the whiskey, throwing it down like prohibition’s due to start in the next five minutes.

Doyle is a man for whom alcohol can loosen the tongue and free the spirit when he’s in the right company. But an indifferent Greek and a couple who have now resorted to furtive groping do not the right company make.

He tries closing his eyes and transporting himself to an Irish bar — a true Irish pub in Dublin or Cork or somewhere like that — listening to a ceilidh band and joining in the craic and eyeing up the pretty lasses. But it’s difficult when George turns up the volume to hear the latest on strife in the Middle East, and the woman in the booth — who Doyle now thinks to be at least a hundred beneath that slab of make-up — begins making peculiar mewling noises, like a cat with laryngitis.

Surrendering to the depressing tawdriness of it all, he pays his tab and leaves.

He meanders aimlessly for an unmeasured period of time, letting his feet take him where they will. And where they take him is to more familiar territory in the East Village. Despite an alcohol-tainted compass they steer him past the trendy bars, guide him away from the ‘happening’ nightspots, thread him through the Saturday-night revelers whose dress sense seems to flip a finger of defiance at the bitter cold, and eventually land him at Gilligan’s on Avenue A.

Gilligan’s has nothing to do with the Island and everything to do with an ex-cop from the Eighth Precinct named Patrick Gilligan. Long dead from cirrhosis of the liver, Patrick handed the establishment down to his son, also named Patrick but known to his regulars as Paddy. Paddy has never been a cop — never wanted to be — but he probably gets more of them through his doors on an average day than many station houses.

Something at the back of Doyle’s mind warns him that it’s a mistake coming here. He should turn around now and move on to a watering hole where he can be just another anonymous lonely drunk. But the alcohol-fogged bulk of his brain dismisses the notion of caution as the outpourings of a spineless wuss, and gives him a mental shove through the door.

It’s like being Black Bart in the Last Chance Saloon. The laughing and joking stop abruptly as people catch sight of the man who has just walked in. These are men and women who would normally be slapping him on the back or shaking his hand or offering to buy him a drink or simply saying hello. Now they merely shuffle out of his way and offer each other mutterings and whispers and ‘look-who-it-is’ glances.

Doyle’s heart sinks. He expected more from his fellow members of service. But it’s too late to back out now. He’s come in for a drink, and he’s going to have a fucking drink. So fuck the lot of you.

He moves to the bar, takes one of the many stools that have suddenly become unoccupied. At the other end of the bar, Paddy’s employee Terry is polishing glasses with a concentration and fervor that are disproportionate to the task.

Doyle watches him for a minute, hoping to catch his eye. But Terry’s making sure his eyes are not up for catching anywhere in Doyle’s zone.

‘Hey, Terry! Any danger of some service down this end?’

Terry doesn’t shift position or even acknowledge Doyle’s presence. He glances up at one or two of his customers, checking that he has support, then returns to removing imaginary specks of dirt from the glass in his hand.

‘Terry! You gone deaf on me?’ Still getting no response, Doyle waves a hand in the air. ‘Hey, Terry! Get the fuck over here, man!’

Terry looks at his other customers and shrugs at them as if to say, Look, this ostracism thing ain’t working on this nuisance . He puts the glass down, then gravitates to the other end of the bar as if he’s straining against the pull of an elastic rope. When he reaches Doyle, he slides his hands back and forth along the edge of the polished mahogany counter.

‘Look, Cal. No offence or nothing, but everyone knows where you’re at right now.’