Paolo Bacigalupi - The Doubt Factory

He feels guilty , she realized, surprised.

“I didn’t know they’d be like that,” she said again. “It wasn’t what I wanted. For what it’s worth, I’m sorry about that.”

Moses was quiet in the car’s darkness. Finally, he said, “Yeah, well, I guess we did drug you and put you in a cage. I hear that annoys people.”

“Payback is a bitch,” Alix agreed.

They both laughed darkly at that. An oddly companionable silence settled between them. Two people, each holding a threat over the other. Neither one quite with the upper hand. The MINI idled smoothly. Moses’s hand was warm on her neck.

“Truce?” Alix suggested hopefully.

“Truce?” Alix could hear the smile in his voice. “I like you, Alix. But I don’t trust you.”

“You like me?” she asked. “And this is how you show it?”

“What’s not to like?”

“Didn’t I chip a tooth of yours?”

“That just made me respect you.”

“So what would make you trust me? A punch in the nose?”

Moses blew out his breath. “We’re past trusting, Alix. We’ve got too much water under the bridge for that.”

“You mean because of what I did to you,” Alix said. “Because of Williams and Crowe.”

“Or maybe because of what I did to you . We’ve got history now, that’s all.”

“What if I said I forgave you?”

“I’d say that sounds real nice.”

“But you still wouldn’t trust me.”

“Fool me once, shame on you,” Moses said. “Fool me twice…” He trailed off. Alix saw his shape shrug in her rearview mirror. “I thought I knew what was going on inside your head, but I was wrong. I don’t need to go down that road again.”

“What about when you came to my house?” she asked. “You trusted me then. I could have called Williams and Crowe, but I didn’t. Why did you risk that?”

“Maybe I wanted to trust you.”

“Well, maybe I wanted to trust you, too.”

There was a pregnant pause. Alix could almost hear Moses considering the angles.

Come on , she thought. Just let me go. Just let us talk. Why can’t we just talk?

“No,” he said finally. “That wasn’t real. You could make up any story you wanted about me in your head, and maybe that made you open your door to a stranger. And I could make up any story I wanted about you and think you could be all kinds of things you weren’t. But that wasn’t real. I could pretend you were different from those other Seitz girls. I could pretend that you were just asleep. I could pretend that if you woke up, you’d be…” He trailed off again. “Anyway, that was just me making things up.”

“I’d be what?” Alix pressed. “Snow White or something?”

He laughed. “Actually, I thought you’d be dangerous.”

“Maybe I am.”

“I don’t have any doubt about that now.”

Doubt. He had no doubt that she was dangerous. But he didn’t believe she could be trusted. Alix remembered a long-ago conversation with him. Moses describing his world:

I don’t believe in anything , he said. I test .

He’s testing you , she realized. He might not even know it, but he’s testing you .

Alix took a deep breath and turned the key off in the ignition. The MINI went silent.

“What are you doing?” Moses asked. He almost sounded alarmed.

Alix didn’t answer, just pulled the keys out of the ignition and held them up for him. They dangled in the darkness, glinting.

“Trust me,” she said. “I already trust you.”

“YOU ARE CRAZY.”

“Are you going to take my keys or not?”

“You don’t have any reason to trust me!”

Alix laughed. “I thought we were worried about you trusting me, not the other way around.”

“This isn’t a game, Alix.”

“I know.” She let the keys drop into the passenger seat. “There they are, if you want them.”

“Alix, don’t do this.”

“Don’t trust you?” Alix asked. “Why not? Why wouldn’t I trust the guy who goes off and rescues kids from evil foster homes? Why wouldn’t I trust a guy who spends his time trying to stop bad people from doing bad things in the world? Why wouldn’t I trust a guy who seems to have the trust and respect of probably the smartest girl I ever met? Why wouldn’t I trust the—”

“—the guy who stalked you and put you in a cage,” Moses interrupted vehemently.

Alix reached up and touched his hand where it rested on her throat. She could feel him shaking. Could feel his whole body shaking. She swallowed. “Yeah. That. Why wouldn’t I trust that guy?” She felt him start to draw away, but she tightened her hand around his, holding him there. She pressed his hand against her throat. “Why wouldn’t I trust that guy, too?”

“Alix…” On his lips, her name sounded so soft and full of regret that Alix almost wanted to cry. Instead, she pressed his hand against her throat. “I trust you,” she said. “I’m not afraid of you anymore. I know you.”

“That’s not true.”

“No,” Alix said. “It is true.” She lifted his hand from her throat and twined her fingers in his. “I didn’t know you before. Now I do. And you know me. And neither of us is the same as we were before.” She squeezed his hand gently. “Neither of us is the same.”

“Alix…” he said again, his voice ragged with emotion.

“I trust you,” she said, and his hand tightened on hers.

She was fascinated by their hands. Two people, interlocked. Tightening their connection to each other.

“How do you know?” he whispered. “How do you know you can trust?”

“You can’t know,” she said. “That’s what trust is.”

Slowly, she drew him forward, so that she could finally see him. Their faces were inches apart. He’s beautiful , she thought. He has beautiful eyes . She reached up to touch his cheek, wanting him. Wanting to see herself in those eyes, hoping that he saw something beautiful in turn.

“You’re shaking,” he said.

“So are you.”

“Do you want me to let you go?” he asked.

“No.”

“That’s good,” he said seriously. “I don’t want to let you go.”

And then they were kissing, and all Alix could think was that she was home.

“Truce?”

“Truce.”

They lay together in his bed, entangled and comfortable. Alix rolled over and looked at Moses. God, he was beautiful. She ran her hand down his chest, amazed at his skin, at his body, at his muscles. It felt so surreal. She kept trying to figure out how it had happened, if it was a dream. She wondered if he was going to suddenly realize that he’d made a mistake.

He was looking at her, amused.

“What?” she asked.

“Nothing. I was going to ask you the same thing. What’s going on inside that big brain of yours?”

“Nothing.”

He nodded, but he didn’t look away or let her off the hook. He just waited. She laughed and rolled away, feeling self-conscious.

“Nothing. I was just thinking you’re like some kind of weird black Batman.”

As soon as she said it, she was afraid she’d offended him, but he just laughed.

“That is so not what I was expecting you to say,” he said, still chuckling.

“What did you think I’d say?”

He looked serious. “That you wanted to go home.”

“No.”

As soon as she said it, she realized it was true. She didn’t want to go home. She wanted to lie here in his arms forever. For a million years. She wanted time to stop. She didn’t feel like she was wearing some other skin with Moses. She was who she was. Some rich girl from Seitz who didn’t quite fit there. But fit just fine right here.