Stuart MacBride - The Missing and the Dead

Logan shifted his grip on the baton.

Three.

Two.

One.

He barged through the door, clacked the baton out to its full length. ‘ON THE FLOOR NOW!’

Cthulhu scrambled off the coffee table and bolted for the gap behind the couch.

Steel didn’t even flinch. Just sat there, shovelling a spoonful of cornflakes into her mouth. Muffling the words, ‘Aye, very impressive. Remind me to swoon.’

‘Ooh, and Michelle’s not going to be happy with that. Straight into the bunker.’

He lowered his baton. ‘What the hell are you doing here?’

‘Watching the golf.’ She pointed with her spoon. ‘Your cornflakes taste awful, by the way.’

On screen, a very curvy red-haired woman in a tiny bikini stepped down into a bunker.

‘Is this porn?’

The woman lined up her shot and spanked the ball up onto the green. Everything wobbled.

‘Like eating waxed cardboard. Whatever happened to Crunchy Nut?’

‘Ooh, that’s a super recovery.’

‘Can’t afford it. Why are you watching porn on my couch?’

‘And this is for one under par …’

A blonde in an even tinier blue bikini lined up a putt. The camera went in for a close-up, until two round, tanned buttocks filled the screen — wiggling left to right.

‘It’s not porn, it’s Bikini Golf.’ More waxy cornflakes disappeared. ‘Got to love Channel Five.’

God’s sake. ‘I’m going for a shower.’

‘Don’t forget to wash behind your ears.’

He clumped back up to the top of the stairs.

Helen stood on the landing, peering down below. Her T-shirt had a hippo on it, and her shorts showed off a pair of legs that glowed a bit with blonde stubble. She barely moved her mouth. ‘Is it burglars?’

‘No, it’s a pervert.’

Logan marched down the stairs, all done up in his black Police Scotland ninja finery. He stopped, outside the living-room door. Paused with one hand on the knob.

Helen’s voice came through the wood. ‘I don’t get it. Why are they wearing bikinis?’

Then it was Steel’s turn. ‘You got something against sexy women in bikinis?’

Yeah. Maybe going in there wasn’t the best of ideas.

He clipped the epaulettes onto the straps on his T-shirt’s shoulders.

‘But isn’t it a bit, well, sexist?’

‘Nah, the Bikini Golf Masters is open to everyone — male, female, and transgender — doesn’t matter, as long as they’re in a bikini.’

‘Men in bikinis?’

‘Aye. Can you imagine Colin Montgomery, squatting down to check the lie of the green, in a polkadot bikini? One of his wee hairy gentlemen dangling out the side?’

A snort of laughter.

Oh joy, they were bonding.

He got himself a cup of tea and a slice of toast. Consumed both standing at the work surface. Then couldn’t put it off any longer. He pushed through into the living room.

The pair of them were on the couch with Cthulhu curled up on Helen’s lap, purring.

‘… number four on the leader board. And it’s Svenga to tee-off first.’ Svenga was a statuesque brunette with an unfeasibly large pair of breasts barely contained by two scraps of floral-patterned fabric and some string.

He cleared his throat. ‘Helen, can I have a quick word?’

Helen looked up at him. ‘Is it about lunch?’

‘In private.’

Steel pursed her lips. Narrowed her eyes. ‘You know what? I think Helen’s quite happy where she is. Aren’t you, Helen?’

Logan squatted down in front of her. Put a hand on her knee. ‘We got the DNA results back. The little girl at Tarlair Swimming Pool — she’s not Natasha.’

‘Ooh, and that’s a cracking drive, right down the fairway.’

Cthulhu stretched out a paw.

‘It’s difficult to see how the others are going to recover from this.’

One shoulder came up and Helen stared down at the cat in her lap. ‘Oh …’

‘Are you OK?’

The creases deepened between her eyebrows. ‘I don’t know. Every time: I tell myself that it’d be better to know . That if I knew she was dead I could mourn and move on. But …’ The other shoulder joined it. ‘She might still be alive.’

Steel patted her on the shoulder. ‘I’m sure she is.’ Then stood. ‘Right, I better escort Sergeant McRae to the station. He’s going to help me with my enquiries.’

She waited for him to stick a tin of lentil soup and two slices of cheap white into a carrier bag, then ushered him outside.

Wind whipped spray off the churning waves, hurling it over the sea wall like cold salty nails. The sun hidden behind heavy, grey, threatening clouds.

Steel closed the door behind them. Then slapped him on the arm. Hard .

‘Ow!’

‘She was a potential witness, and you’re shagging her!’ Another slap.

‘Stop hitting me!’ He backed away. ‘Nothing happened.’

‘Really? You’re sharing a bed and nothing happened?’

‘We’re not sharing-’

‘You sodding well are. I’m a detective chief inspector, no’ an idiot!’

‘Nothing happened. OK?’ Logan marched towards the station, Steel close behind him. ‘And nothing’s going to happen. The dead wee girl isn’t her daughter. She’s hardly going to hang around, is she?’

‘Have you got any idea what Napier’s going to do when he finds out? How could you be so bloody stupid ? I told you to keep it in your trousers, but you’ll no’ take a telling, will-’

‘STOP IT!’ He turned, threw his hands out. ‘Enough! I’m not you and Susan’s personal sperm bank. I can see who I like and it’s none of your business.’

‘Don’t you-’

‘No! We’re not talking about this any more.’ Logan thumped into the station and slammed the door in her face.

Who the hell did she think she was? Telling him what he could and couldn’t do.

And he wasn’t even doing anything.

Chance would be a fine thing.

‘Sarge? You OK?’ Nicholson froze in the corridor, outside the canteen, two mugs in her hands. ‘Only, looks like you’re about to murder someone.’

‘And I’m making a list.’

‘Right. Well …’ She backed away. ‘I’d better …’ And she was gone.

He stormed through to the main office.

Bloody Steel. Good mind to go back out there and jam his-

‘Sergeant McRae?’ Maggie looked up from her keyboard. ‘Inspector McGregor said she wants to see you soon as you’re in.’

His shoulders slumped. ‘Did she-’

‘She’s waiting for you now.’

Of course she was.

The Inspector swivelled her chair from side to side. Behind her, the North Sea raged beneath a sky of clay. A spattering of raindrops killed themselves against the window. ‘I’m not sure if I should congratulate you, or give you the bollocking of your life.’

Logan didn’t try sinking into one of the visitors’ chairs. ‘Guv?’

‘They did an overnight on Martyn Baker’s phone. Even if he changes his mind about the confession, there’s enough text messages on there to tie him to the shooting. Telling him to go to the scene and put the fear of the righteous man into the other gang. Others telling him to sod off to the back-end of nowhere and lie low afterwards. A couple panicking when they found out she was an undercover cop.’

‘Good. Does that mean they can tie whoever sent the messages to this as well?’

The chair swivelled left and right. Left and right.

‘The Chief Constable’s been on the phone, congratulating B Division for catching Mary Ann Nasrallah’s killer. Here’s us, a wee police station on the northernmost edge of the northeast of Scotland, and we’re solving the biggest crime on the national news. Police Scotland saves the day.’