Alex Barclay - Blood Runs Cold

‘That’s OK,’ said Billy. ‘Kind of.’

Ren sat up. Panties: two o’clock. Jeans: three o’clock. Bra: ten o’clock. Boots: six o’clock. Top …

‘Did you see my top?’ she said.

‘It’s behind the bar.’

Oh God . ‘I’ll get it on the way out.’ She stood by the bed. ‘Uh … thanks.’

‘Thanks?’ He laughed.

‘For putting me up,’ said Ren.

‘For putting you up to what?’

She gave him a patient face.

‘Do I not get a kiss goodbye?’ he said.

Jesus Christ . She bent down to kiss him, hovering between his cheek and his forehead. He ignored her and went for her mouth. She stumbled backward.

He laughed.

‘I lost my balance,’ said Ren.

‘Is that what happened last night?’

She tilted her head at him. ‘Bye. Thanks. I mean …’

She stopped in the bathroom on her way out. She looked in the mirror and saw her hangover face: the skin, paler than her neck, mascara slightly smudged. She spent good money on makeup to withstand a night’s drinking and … she also saw her mistake face, her eyes slightly haunted and asking that question she could never answer. What the fuck were you thinking? She ran her middle finger under each eye and fixed her mascara. She scraped her nails through her hair and stared at her reflection. What the fuck were you thinking? She frowned. She smiled. But WTF?

She grabbed her top from a pile of upside-down beer glasses and quickly put it on. She walked to the door, unlocked it and pulled it open. The snow was three feet high. She could see her Jeep across the parking lot, settled into a drift. Shit . She kept staring as if the snow would part. Shit . She went back in to Billy. He was talking quietly into his cellphone. He looked up, slightly confused, then quickly finished his call.

He smiled.

‘Do you have a snow shovel?’ said Ren.

‘Oh yeah. The storm.’

‘Yup.’

‘Right.’ He fell back on the bed. ‘Right. Just give me a minute to get my shit together. Is your head hurting this morning? I totally — ’

‘I’m sorry, but I really need to get to work,’ said Ren. ‘OK? So just tell me where the fu- snowplow is and I can do my thing.’

‘Wow … calm down.’

‘One of my least favorite phrases in the world.’

Billy gave her a look she had seen before, usually when her tone had crossed a line. He threw back the covers and sat up. ‘Fine.’

‘Look, I’m late. That’s all.’

She walked back into the bar while he was getting dressed. He came out with the shovel. ‘You sit down. Can I get you a coffee?’

Ren shook her head. Her eyes moved to the door. He got the message. And he didn’t like it. He went out back and Ren watched from the window as he plowed a path to her Jeep, to the road and back to the door of the bar.

He walked in and unzipped his jacket, throwing it on one of the chairs.

‘Well, thanks,’ said Ren, standing up, desperate to leave the stale oppression of a bar in the morning. Billy started opening the shutters, his back turned to her, a quick glance over his shoulder for a half-hearted goodbye.

Ren got into the Jeep, took out her phone and dialed Helen’s number. She answered as Ren was pulling out of the parking lot.

‘Can you talk?’ said Ren.

‘Five minutes.’

Ren paused. ‘I … screwed up.’

‘OK …’

‘I … slept with a C.I. — a confidential informant. Last night.’

‘OK,’ said Helen. ‘What happened?’

‘He works in a bar. I went to see him. We were snowed in. We had a few drinks …’

‘Are you OK? He didn’t, like …’

‘God, no,’ said Ren. ‘He’s a lovely guy. I mean, he’s a criminal, but — ’

‘He’s a criminal.’

‘Well, yeah. Obviously. Most C.I.s are. I mean, he’s … reformed.’

‘He told you that?’

‘No. But — ’

‘But …?’

‘I believe him.’

‘Really?’

‘No. I guess not. No.’ Her voice was shaking. ‘OK? Here’s how I feel. I am so attracted to him, it’s amazing.’

‘I have heard you say that before.’

‘Really?’

‘Yes.’

‘Well, I mean it this time.’

Helen said nothing.

‘What’ll I do?’ said Ren.

‘How many times have you asked me that?’

‘I know, but I’m hoping one day you’ll crack …’

Helen laughed. ‘Look, work out the patterns, Ren. You’re an intelligent woman. Why do you put yourself in these situations? What are the factors? Alcohol doesn’t help. Stress … you know all this.’

‘I know, but I still do it anyway. And for the first time, I can say, honestly, that even if I hadn’t been drinking, it would have happened. I know there are people who can walk away from this kind of thing … but I’m not one of them. I’d love to be, but … I never have.’

‘But you don’t feel good afterwards.’

‘I live in the moment.’

‘And then you regret the moment. And the moment eats you up, obsesses you. In a really bad way. And then …’

‘And then nothing, I’ve too much on now for it to get in the way.’

‘Yeah, because “feeling shit” gives a damn about what you have going on in your life.’

‘Yeah, well I’m not going to get down about it …’

‘Are you looking after yourself? Are you eating well? Sleeping?’

‘Not really … Mom.’

‘I’ll ignore that. Do me a favor, please. Go to the gym. Go to the health-food store. Get some early nights. Try a routine.’

Ren sighed.

‘And stay away from beer,’ said Helen.

Ren’s shoulders slumped. ‘I’ll try.’

‘Must try harder,’ said Helen.

‘Story of my life,’ said Ren.

When Ren got back to the inn, she went straight to her room and into the shower. And in the tenth minute she stood there, wondering if she had put conditioner in her hair, wondering whether, if she had, she’d rinsed it out, wondering if really hot water ruined your skin, she saw the face of Gary Dettling. In one hour she would be sitting oppositehim, discussing the reliability of Billy Waites.

It depends on what you are relying on him for .

Gary Dettling was sitting at the edge of his desk with his back to the door, in front of a bunch of very rough-looking Safe Streets guys. He turned around when Ren walked in. He looked rougher than the rest of them.

‘What happened to you guys?’ said Ren.

‘What happened to you?’ said Gary.

‘Hey, I thought I looked fine,’ said Ren.

‘You do,’ said Gary. ‘You look like you had a great night’s sleep.’

‘No, I didn’t, actually.’ She looked around the room. ‘What?’

‘Didn’t you get my texts? Didn’t you get my calls?’ said Gary. ‘Didn’t you hear your door getting banged on at midnight?’

Ren’s heart started hammering.

‘Oh no — you didn’t,’ said Gary. ‘Because you were not there.’

‘I …’ am a bad liar . ‘I … had to go see Jean’s one-three-seven. There was a snowstorm. You might have seen it on the news this morning. It didn’t clear ’til six a. m.’

‘You were stuck in a shit-ass bar all night. Bummer,’ said Robbie.

Gary’s expression had no empathy.

‘Why were you looking for me?’ said Ren.

‘Well, unfortunately bank robbers have no consideration that we’re — most of us — an hour and a half away from Denver and it’s not too convenient to be roused from our cozy Breckenridge beds to go back and investigate the … worst robbery yet, as a matter of fact.’

‘Most money?’ said Ren.

‘Most violent,’ said Gary.

‘Oh no,’ said Ren.