Alex Barclay - Killing Ways

What was he talking about?

Where the fuck am I?

Rawlins. Robbie. Everett. Gary. Rawlins. Robbie. Everett. Gary. Gun. Blast. Holes. Blood. Gray matter. Gray matter. Gray matter dries like concrete. Dries like concrete. Dries like concrete.

‘I need to pull over,’ said Ren. I’m going to be sick.

Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh, God.

The car was parked for twenty minutes. Ren lay, weakened, slumped in the seat. Joe gave her space and silence.

I’m so tired. I’m so, so tired.

I can’t do this. I’m cracking. I’m going to break.

She started up the engine, continued on toward the airport.

She thought about the Cheerios on Carly Raine’s lips, the torn black plastic around Hope Coulson’s body, puncture wounds, and scratched soles, and foreign objects.

Stop. Stop. Stop. But this... this will never stop. This is all entangled in who I am. How was this the path I chose? One I knew would be littered with the fallout of the very worst that life has to offer? Things I was destined to pick up and examine and touch and smell and never sidestep. Maybe, if I’m lucky, to climb over. Or destroy with minimal collateral damage.

Jesus Christ.

She glanced over at Joe Lucchesi. He was far away.

Who are we? Were we born broken that we chose to exist in a world of broken things? Is that, really, the only place we can be comfortable?

Where is the comfort? Where is it? We were wrong. We are wrong.

Ren sensed a presence in front of her. She slammed on the brakes. She and Joe shot forward and back, striking nothing, holding tight. A woman glared at Ren through the windshield, slammed her hand on the hood of the car, pointed at the red light she was about to plow through.

‘I’m so sorry,’ said Ren, mouthing it, making it clear. ‘I’m sorry.’ I’m so sorry. This isn’t me. What is me?

Joe reached out and put a hand on her forearm, squeezing it. ‘Are you OK?’

‘Yes. Sorry. I’m...’ a mess. But she knew she didn’t need to finish it. They knew what they both were.

Departures was busy with people who looked so different to them, who had no idea who these two people were, brought together by an evil that had triumphed on a grand scale before it had died.

‘Well...’ said Joe, ‘I guess I’ll see you around.’

‘Yes.’

They hugged. When they pulled apart, they looked into each other’s eyes.

Who are we now? To ourselves... to each other.

‘Thank you for everything,’ said Joe.

‘Thank you ,’ said Ren. I don’t know if I can ever bear to see you again.

‘I’m so sorry about your friends,’ said Joe. ‘You lost good men.’

Tears welled in her eyes. Don’t cry. You might never stop. She managed to nod.

‘Joe...’

Maybe don’t say it.

He looked at her, waited.

Don’t. It won’t be the right thing to say.

‘What?’ said Joe.

Biology is one thing. But Duke Rawlins is gone. He’s dead. He lives on nowhere.

‘Nothing,’ said Ren.

‘If you’re ever in New York...’ said Joe.

‘Thanks,’ said Ren. ‘Safe trip.’

‘Daddy!’ they heard. They both turned to see Grace and Camille walking toward them. Grace started to run.

Her little bowed legs...

Ren gritted her teeth.

Tears, tears, threatening tears.

‘Gracie!’ He crouched down, holding out his arms. She jumped into them, burying her head into his neck, just like the first time Ren had seen her.

Tears spilled down Ren’s face.

Not in front of Grace. No.

She wiped them swiftly away.

She could see the same from Joe as he kissed Grace’s head.

‘I missed you so much,’ he said, so intensely Ren could barely stand to watch.

Joe blinked away his tears, pulled himself back from Grace and stared into her eyes.

Please find nothing there of Duke Rawlins. Please.

‘Missed you too, Daddy!’

‘What are you doing back in Denver?’ said Joe.

‘We’re going on vacation!’ said Grace.

Joe frowned. Camille was smiling.

‘We’re going to Disney World!’ said Grace. ‘You, me, Shaun, Camille, Granddad, Pam!’

‘Did you get a job while you were gone?’ said Joe. ‘You’re treating us all to a vacation.’

Grace laughed. ‘Granddad got us tickets.’

And could never have imagined this weekend was going to end on anything but a graduation high.

Joe raised his eyebrows at Ren. The see-I-told-you-my-dad-has-to-play-the-bigshot look.

‘Well, Granddad did a wonderful thing,’ said Joe.

‘She helped!’ said Grace, pointing to Ren.

Well, of course.

‘She told us your flight number, your flight time!’ said Grace. ‘Shaun is on the way!’

Joe was barely keeping it together.

Distract. Distract.

‘You have fun,’ said Ren. ‘Lots of it. Extra for me.’

‘Yay!’ said Grace.

Joe smiled, hugged Grace tighter, kissed her sandy hair.

Ren walked away.

Love. Conquers. All.

Ren kept walking toward the exit.

I will tell Ben nothing to hurt him, and I will never hurt him again. I know my triggers. I will not place myself at the end of that barrel. I vow to be well, to be sober, to be in control.

You will never be in control.

Yes I will.

You won’t.

I can try.

You will fail. You always do.

I will fight harder.

You’ve said that before.

I will not fail.

You are helpless.

I am not helpless.

You are. You are sick.

I’m not sick.

Look at the destruction you crave.

I don’t crave destruction.

It always finds you. You find it. You are magnetized. You are dark, magnetic, black as Duke Rawlins.

I am white light.

You are delusional.

I’m a good person.

I am louder than your kindest thought. I win. I always win. You’re a mess, you always will be, you’ll always feel, in your soul, that everything is about to go wrong and it’s all your fault. Because it is your fault. You’re the bomb. You’re about to blow up. Didn’t that resonate with you? Ha. You and inside your head and Duke Rawlins and inside his. It’s an adjoining hall of fucking mirrors. That’s what this is. You can’t escape it. There are only mirrors, no doors, no windows. Blinding reflection.

NO! NO! NO!

Ren stopped, stood still, took out her cell phone. She scrolled through her contacts.

Everett. Her heart sank. She kept scrolling until she saw Robbie’s name.

Hurt yourself more. Go on. Hurt. Do it. Dial them. Hear their messages. Hear them tell you they’ll return your call. But they never will. You will never hear their voices again, never laugh with them. Suffocating thought, isn’t it? You’re powerless. You can’t change that. Ever. They’re gone.

Ren started to cry. I’m so tired. I’m just so tired.

Kill yourself, then. What’s the point? End it.

She struggled to breathe through the tears.

Call Ben. He’ll help you. Even though you know you hurt him. And you’re a liar. You selfish bitch.

I didn’t mean to hurt him. I didn’t want to. I don’t know what happened.

You can’t help it is what happened. You’re weak and indulgent.

I love Ben. With all my heart.

No, you don’t. You have no clue what love is. You’re one of those people.