Alex Barclay - Killing Ways

She put her hands on her hips.

I can’t believe I just put my hands on my hips.

‘For those of you who don’t know me,’ said Ren, ‘I don’t like repeating myself. In fact, I hate it. And I would find it very strange to have to repeat myself to adults who have reached a certain age, made it through college, through police academy, Quantico, wherever. So if you’re in a conference with me, you need to listen the fuck up to everyone who speaks. Please — ask all the questions in the world — I have no problem with that, but I don’t want to hear the same question asked twice. I mean, go ahead, by all means, but—’ She shrugged.

Gary was giving her a shut-the-fuck-up look.

‘So, that’s it,’ said Ren. ‘Good luck. Come to me with any issues, big or small.’

Gary called her into his office after the conference.

‘“Come to me with any issues, big or small”,’ he said. ‘Do you think you made that easy for them?’

‘Uh: yes,’ said Ren. ‘Why?’

‘You’re coming off arrogant.’

What?! ‘I’m not arrogant.’

‘You’re coming across that way.’

‘Who says that?’ said Ren.

‘Me,’ said Gary. ‘But I doubt I’m alone.’

‘I’m sorry, but I always think people are pussies if they can’t handle being expected to live up to a certain standard. I don’t mean standard, but fucking do your job is what I mean. Do your job, don’t be stupid, don’t talk to the media. Hardly traumatizing... this is serious shit, Gary. I’m not having people coming in here like lazy assholes, half-listening, checked out, just thinking about what time their wife is going to put supper on the table. Women are dying.’

‘Yet it’s OK for you to go out and party every night...’

Oh, fuck off, Gary. ‘I’m working, minimum, fifteen hours a day on this. I haven’t been late once. What I do with the remaining nine hours of my day — two of which, I’m likely to spend working out — then what can I say?’

‘So, you’re surviving on how many hours’ sleep?’

Jesus CHRIST ALMIGHTY. ‘I’m more than surviving.’ I’m fucking thriving. ‘I love how you talk like you get ten hours’ sleep a night.’

‘It’s not the same for me.’

I want to punch you.

Gary checked his computer. ‘Do you have an appoi—’

Appointment! Yay! Let’s top this the fuck off with that! ‘Yes, tomorrow. I do.’

‘And... did you get a chance to call Karen?’

Even better! Let’s top this the fuck off with your wife!

‘Not yet, Gary. But I will.’

I can think of two stronger candidates for therapy right now.

Gary stared at his screen, then glared at Ren with barely contained rage. ‘Well, here it is, as expected — an email from Briar’s lawyer: stay the fuck away from my client.’ He sat back in his seat. ‘Ladies and gentlemen, introducing your case agent...’

This is a fucking AK-47 of a conversation...

That night, Ren worked her way up to calling Karen Dettling.

Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.

Karen picked up.

‘Hi, it’s Ren.’

Silence. ‘Hi.’ Terse.

Ooh. ‘I’m calling to put your mind at rest about me and Gary.’

Silence. ‘This isn’t a conversation for the phone, Ren. I’d like to meet you face to face for this.’

Noooo. ‘No problem,’ said Ren, ‘but I want you to know that there’s nothing going on between me and Gary.’

‘We’ll talk,’ said Karen. ‘I’ll come to your apartment, if that’s OK. I don’t want Claire to hear this.’

‘Of course,’ said Ren. She looked down at the list of dates and times. Now I have to learn this off. Great. ‘Can you give me an hour? I just have to finish something off.’ Like a tall tale.

Karen Dettling arrived beautifully made-up, carefully put together, looking far saner than when she had come to the office.

Conscious of not looking like the crazed wife. You don’t need to do that for me.

Ren left her to settle on the sofa while she made tea.

‘It’s just, he’s been so strange...’ said Karen when Ren brought out the tray, and sat down.

‘If it’s any consolation,’ said Ren, ‘he’s been strange at work, but that’s because I think this is about work. There have been a lot of staff upheavals: Colin Grabien resigned in such murky circumstances—’

‘What happened with Colin Grabien really got to Gary,’ said Karen. ‘You wouldn’t believe how badly he took that. Colin was part of the original Safe Streets team, he was this hotshot IT genius financials guy who Gary felt very proud to have hired. Colin could do no wrong, professionally ...’

She trailed off, but Ren knew what she was intimating, and what she was too discreet to say: Colin Grabien was, basically, an asshole who had a problem with the world. And in the end, with Ren in particular; she had found out he shafted the other candidate in order to get his job. She kept it from Gary, but she made sure Colin knew, and made sure he did the right thing by resigning. Gary had a hard time committing to a replacement. Until Everett came along.

‘And,’ said Ren, ‘after Colin, Cliff requested a transfer, so Gary had to find someone to fill that spot. And, you know me — I’ve caused him problems. Karen, I’m well aware of my shortcomings, and I would venture Gary has spoken about me at home...’

Karen nodded.

‘I just can’t imagine him ever talking about me in a way that would suggest he has any kind of feelings toward me other than frustration...’

Karen started laughing.

‘Personally, I think I am Gary’s worst nightmare,’ said Ren. ‘Like, he would actively avoid me on a personal level.’

Karen was now crying and laughing at the same time.

‘I understand more than anyone that a series of different things can lead to what feels like a logical, concrete conclusion,’ said Ren. ‘I mean, a champagne cork in a bag... that’s not great. I’d have a hard time with that.’

‘And if Ben had a hot colleague he was away with that same night... who is known for drinking champagne...’ She smiled.

Ugh. You’re such a nice person. You feel like a fool and I’m complicit in that. And I would be devastated if someone did that to me.

Karen sighed. ‘I’m an idiot. I’m so sorry. This is not about you. I just... I’m at my wit’s end.’

‘You’re not an idiot,’ said Ren. Not at all. ‘Your husband’s been withdrawn, you found this random cork... any woman would be freaked out.’

‘Thanks,’ said Karen. ‘I don’t want this to be an issue between us. Is it too late for that? You know Claire adores you, and part of me was just so mad at the idea that you could be in our home with all that going on. I probably shouldn’t be saying any of this. Claire is only seventeen... part of me was panicking that... this would be an example I’d be setting for her, that she’d think she should sit back and tolerate a cheating husband.’ She let out a breath. ‘I don’t know what to think...’

‘Please don’t worry about this,’ said Ren. ‘It doesn’t affect anything as far as I’m concerned.’ It really doesn’t. ‘I totally understand how you could have thought what you thought.’

Karen’s eyes almost narrowed. ‘Can I ask you one thing?’ No. Please don’t. I know where you’re going.

‘Sure,’ said Ren.

‘Is there someone else?’ said Karen. ‘Do you know? Is Gary seeing someone else?’

Oh, fuck. Fuck. Fuck. He’s not seeing her. The affair is over. ‘No,’ said Ren. ‘No. He is not seeing someone.’ IS not. Not WAS not. Is not. And that is the truth.