Alex Barclay - Harm's Reach

‘So many years have gone by — I’m wondering how easy it would be to prove...’ said Ren.

‘Maybe he was able to prove it, hence the new company,’ said Everett. ‘What do you know about Walter Prince? Was he involved in shady dealings?’

‘What I know is that he wasn’t a nice man at all,’ said Ren. ‘When he was only a teenager, he rounded up a posse to beat a man to death. Albeit a suspected pedophile... the father of one of three young girls who disappeared slash were murdered — it was called the Orchard Girls case...’

‘Did Walter Prince do time for it?’ said Everett.

‘Oh, no,’ said Ren. ‘The Princes were far too untouchable. And it was all rumor.’

‘Well, if I can follow more of this trail, I could wend my way closer to the truth,’ said Everett. ‘What makes him blackmailable.’

‘Go, Everett, go!’

Robbie had tuned into their conversation, after he had ended his phone call. He was listening to them, but with a faraway look in his eye. When five o’clock came, he got up and gathered his things.

‘See you tomorrow,’ he said. He left, his head down.

I can’t watch him suffer any more.

Stay out of it.

Don’t.

He needs help.

Don’t be so naïve. Maybe he loves this new life of pornography.

He is miserable.

Go.

Ren ran down the stairs after him.

‘Hey,’ she said.

Cold feet. Cold feet.

‘Hi,’ said Robbie.

‘Can we chat for a second?’ said Ren.

‘Sure,’ said Robbie. ‘Everything OK?’

‘Let’s go sit in your car,’ said Ren.

‘OK... I’m getting nervous.’

She laughed. ‘Don’t be.’

I’ll take care of that part.

Ren and Robbie got into his car. He turned on the air conditioning.

‘Ooh, that’s nice,’ said Ren.

‘So, what is it?’ said Robbie. He had his hands on the steering wheel as if he was about to drive.

How do I do this? Why am I doing this? Am I helping? Am I making things worse? Will this destroy our friendship? I cannot tell him that Ben has also seen his iPad. Or would that bother him? Maybe not. But I don’t want him to think I snooped. I didn’t. I was thrust into this nightmare. Everything happens for a reason. Shut up. Maybe he left the iPad with you for a reason. Oh... maybe he did.

Ren looked at him.

‘It’s just,’ said Ren, ‘is everything OK?’

He shook his head, really slowly. Eventually, he said, ‘No.’

‘I thought not,’ said Ren. ‘Do you want to talk?’

‘I don’t know if I can,’ he said.

‘Please,’ said Ren. ‘There is nothing you can’t say to me, you know that.’

‘I know.’

‘And it will go no further.’

‘I know that too.’

Wait. Wait. Wait.

‘I’ve...’ He paused. ‘I’ve developed a problem... with pornography.’

Thank God I got my Home Alone shocked face out of the way with Ben.

Ren nodded. ‘It’s OK, Robbie. Really.’

‘What?’ said Robbie. ‘It’s not. You don’t mean that.’

‘I do,’ said Ren. ‘I know you. I know this is not what you want. I understand how it could happen.’

‘Can you see how repelled I am by this?’

‘I can feel it,’ said Ren. Radiating off you. ‘And my heart is breaking for you. Because I know who you are. I really do.’

‘If you had told me that I ever, in a million years, would be this guy...’ said Robbie. ‘I know what I want in life. I want to get married to a nice girl. I want her to be the one. The first one. Girls like that, nice girls... they’re hard to meet.’

‘Guys like you are hard to meet,’ said Ren. ‘Life’s good guys.’

‘You still think that?’ said Robbie. Tears welled in his eyes.

‘Of course I do,’ said Ren. ‘Nothing changes that.’

‘But these women... they’re so degraded and I’m...’ He paused. ‘Enjoying that.’

‘And you are not alone,’ said Ren.

‘Does that make it right?’ said Robbie.

‘It’s not about right,’ said Ren. ‘It’s about you suffering. I just don’t want you to suffer. And I can see that you are. You’re not the cheery Robbie I know and love. You’re preoccupied. And it’s affecting work now too. I just didn’t guess it was this.’

‘The choirboy...’

‘Hey,’ said Ren.

‘You know what I mean,’ said Robbie. ‘I’m a virgin Mormon Boy Scout. I’m not stupid. I get it. But all it does is make me feel worse. Like if people really knew me, they’d think differently.’

‘Listen, everyone thinks “if people really knew me”,’ said Ren. ‘You are not the first man to have done this. And definitely not the first Mormon. So, just stop.’

Robbie let out a breath.

‘I don’t know how much you want to tell me,’ said Ren, ‘but... has it gone any further?’

‘I... went to a bar,’ said Robbie. ‘I picked up this one girl. She was beautiful. I took her home... but nothing happened...’ He paused.

‘OK,’ said Ren. ‘Well, that’s good, isn’t it? Your dream is still intact.’ She studied him for a moment. ‘And, you know what, Robbie? Even if your dream wasn’t still intact, things could be even better with the first woman you sleep with in a relationship. Or with your future wife, if they’re not the same person. They don’t have to be the same person, Robbie. You don’t have to—’

‘OK... I did sleep with her,’ said Robbie. ‘I slept with her, and more. Other women. And...’ he shrugged. ‘I don’t want to be that guy.’

‘You’re not that guy,’ said Ren. ‘But you can’t be the beat-yourself-up-guy either.’

‘Remember a few months back we were talking about sex addiction...’

Ooh. Ren nodded. ‘Yes. You were very annoyed with me...’

‘Not about that,’ said Robbie. ‘You were talking about sex and you said to me “Who knows what might happen when you get a taste for it”...’

‘And you said I was being insensitive.’

‘Yup,’ said Robbie. ‘Because you were right. I had waved goodbye to my tenth one-night-stand that morning.’

‘It was nice of you to wave,’ said Ren. ‘And there must be some kind of merit badge for ten.’

Robbie smiled.

‘And — hello — you let her stay all night...’ said Ren. ‘That’s nice too.’

‘I’m sure I’m the only loser hanging in there for hugs,’ said Robbie.

‘Well, I give free hugs... and they’re free of guilt too, so you know where I am.’

‘I am so ashamed of this,’ said Robbie.

‘Um, it’s me, Robbie,’ said Ren. ‘Sexual shame—’

‘Well, I wish I could be as breezy as you about it.’

‘I’m not breezy! The rest of the sentence was: sexual shame is more common than you think.’

They sat in silence.

‘I want you to know something,’ said Robbie, eventually. ‘When... when I told you how I felt about you... that wasn’t about sex. It’s... was... more than that. I don’t want you to think that was where I was coming from. What I mean is, this whole problem of mine is only over the past six months or so.’

Thank God I didn’t drive you into a world of one-night stands.

‘I know that,’ said Ren.

‘I mean, not that I’ve never thought about—’

‘OK, Robbie, OK — you should talk to someone about all this. You need to give yourself peace.’ Ren paused. ‘And about the other thing, don’t worry, OK? You don’t need to say anything more about it. We’re friends. Nothing is going to change that.’

‘Ben is a great guy,’ said Robbie.

‘Hey, I’m surrounded by them,’ said Ren, smiling.