Alex Barclay - Harm's Reach

Ooh. Like who?

‘Conor, if you were happy and ready to go back to the ranch right after New Year, why did you leave only a few days later?’

His eyes darted left and right. Short, sharp, didn’t see the question coming.

‘Uh... I just... wanted a drink,’ said Conor. ‘One more drink. It was dumb.’

‘How did you get to Golden?’ said Ren.

‘I went through the abbey grounds, got a lift with some guy that was volunteering...’

‘Do you have his name?’ said Ren.

‘No,’ said Conor. ‘I’ve no idea who he was.’

‘That night, you got into a fight,’ said Ren. ‘What happened?’

‘Just, I got really drunk, there were a bunch of students in there from the college, one of them was being an asshole and I lashed out, punched him in the face. It was just drunken stuff... The Sheriff’s Office came, took me away. Then they called Ingrid, she came and picked me up. She brought me back to the ranch. She made me see that that was the right thing to do.’

‘The students you got in a fight with... were they local?’ said Ren.

‘Well, they were from the School of Mines,’ said Conor, ‘so I guess so.’

‘Did they know where you were from?’ said Ren.

‘They guessed I was from New York,’ said Conor, ‘but they didn’t know I was staying at the ranch.’

‘And have you seen any of them since then?’ said Ren.

‘No,’ said Conor. His eyes were fixed, again, on the floor. ‘I know I’ve let myself down,’ he said. ‘I’ve let everyone down.’

‘You made some mistakes,’ said Ren. ‘You know better now.’

He looked up. ‘Thank you.’

Ren stood up. ‘And thank you for your time. Mr Bergin, could I speak with you alone outside?’

‘Sure, of course,’ he said. He closed the door behind him.

‘I’d like to ask you about a Cease and Desist you sent to a journalist in Butte, Montana, called Jonathan Black,’ said Ren.

Bergin processed the information. ‘Yes, he was about to write a defamatory article about the Prince family. I was instructed by my client to put a stop to that.’

‘Were you aware that Jonathan Black died shortly after that?’ said Ren.

‘I was not,’ said Bergin. ‘What happened to him?’

‘Officially, an accidental overdose.’

Bergin tilted his head. ‘And do you have an unofficial theory?’

No, but I have a stare... a long meaningful one. ‘No,’ said Ren. She shook his hand. ‘Thank you again.’

Janine and Ren walked to Ren’s Jeep.

‘Did you see what Kenneth Faule wrote on that sticker?’ said Janine. ‘I saw you writing.’

‘I thought I was being subtle,’ said Ren.

‘To them, you were. You didn’t write it until halfway through the conversation, and you wrote it up the side of the page.’

‘How did you know that’s what it was?’ said Ren.

‘Because it was a number that neither of them had just said. I knew that much.’

‘It was 96226.’

‘Are the kids inmates now?’ said Janine. ‘They just have numbers?’

‘Well that kind of conflicts with the Faules’ trusting ethos, doesn’t it?’ said Ren. ‘Though it does tie in with the whole confidentiality thing.’

That night, Ren lay on Annie’s sofa, curled into Ben Rader’s arms, her back pushed up against his chest. The room was dark, except for the glow of dying candles on the stone hearth.

I don’t want you to go.

He kissed the top of her head. ‘Your hair smells like cloves.’

‘Interestingly... so does my shampoo.’

He took her arm and held it up to his nose. ‘Your arms smell like ginger.’

‘I’m aiming to be fit for human consumption at all times.’

‘You’ve hit your target.’

She laughed. She turned around to him. They kissed.

‘I wish I didn’t have to go,’ he said.

Me too. ‘At least we have tonight.’

He kissed her again. ‘So, what are we going to do?’

‘What do you mean?’ said Ren.

‘I mean, you and me, traveling between D.C. and here...’

Nothing? ‘ Traveling doesn’t bother me,’ said Ren. ‘Does it bother you?’

‘No, but... it’s getting harder to leave you.’

Oh, God. ‘ Aw...’

‘It’s more than “aw”,’ said Ben. ‘I miss you when we’re not together.’

I don’t deserve you missing me like that.

‘I miss you too,’ said Ren.

‘I hate going to bed without you.’

‘Me too.’

I don’t deserve any of this. Because I am lying to this man. I am lying and he is wonderful.

‘Ben, I’m just going to come out and say this,’ said Ren. ‘I’m... I’ve got... well, it’s like...’

I can’t do it. I cannot bear saying this out loud. It hurts. It hurts. It hurts. Make it stop. Make it go away.

‘You’ve got what?’ said Ben. She could feel him feel the tears on her cheeks. He sat up. ‘What is it?’ He pulled her up to sit beside him. He had taken her hands in his before she even realized it and was drawing her into his arms.

‘Ren, what is it, baby?’ He held her head to his chest. He stroked her hair.

This man is a saint.

‘Don’t cry, honey. Please, what is it? Are you OK?’

No. I never was, and I never will be. Ben took his seat for The Sane Show . He doesn’t need to see the coming attractions. It wasn’t funny the first time. I laughed, but it wasn’t funny. And this is not funny. This is real life. This man is a good man and I am a piece of shit. I can’t do this to him. I can’t not.

She looked up at him. ‘I’m... bipolar.’

Dun. Dun. DUN.

Ren could feel Ben gripping her tighter.

Ugh.

As she blinked through her tears, she could see the corner of the Bryce family photo that Annie Lowell had so sweetly hung on the living room wall; Ren’s mom, her dad, her brothers — Jay, Beau and Matt. And Ren, laughing, looking off to one side.

Let’s rewind. I will turn out sane. Beau won’t kill himself. Jay will be... not so ‘Jay’. And Matt will carry on as he was always meant to be.

Ren realized Ben was talking. ‘Baby, it’s OK,’ he was saying, as if she had just told him dinner was running late. ‘It’s OK,’ he was saying again. ‘Don’t cry.’

This man is nuts.

Ren pulled away from him and stared at him. He was smiling.

That smile has no place in this conversation.

‘But... it’s really not OK,’ said Ren.

‘Honestly,’ said Ben. ‘I never would have guessed.’

No trace of sarcasm.

‘You are the first person who has ever said that to me,’ said Ren. ‘Usually, I get “I kind of figured there was something there...”’

Ben shrugged. ‘Nope.’

‘I feel bad,’ said Ren, ‘because I told Matt I didn’t want to tell you because you had taken your seat for The Sane Show .’

‘What — and you didn’t want to ruin my entertainment?’ said Ben.

‘Worse,’ said Ren. ‘I was glad you weren’t aware of the coming attractions.’

Ben laughed. ‘That’s funny, Ren. Don’t feel bad. Are you feeling guilty about that?’

‘Thanks,’ said Ren. ‘But you shouldn’t be cool with this. I mean, I’ve been on mood stabilizers pretty much the entire time we’ve been together. Gary has enforced this. I have no choice—’

‘So, if you had a choice, you wouldn’t be on meds?’ said Ben.

Lie! Lie! For the love of God, lie. ‘If I had a choice, no I wouldn’t be on meds,’ said Ren. ‘I’d be swinging from chandeliers nightly.’

‘Well, I’d never stop you doing that,’ said Ben.