Carl Hiassen - Lucky You

She told him why she'd gone there. "Since everybody thought you were dead – including yours truly! – they asked me to fly down and pick up your stupid award. And this is what I get: ambushed by a divorce lawyer!"

"What award?" Tom asked.

"Don't you dare pretend not to know."

"I'm not pretending, Mary Andrea. What award?"

"The Emilio," she said sourly. "Something like that."

"Amelia?"

"Yeah, that's it."

He shot a wrathful glare toward the house, where Sinclair was holed up. That asshole! Krome thought. The Amelias were the lamest of journalism prizes. He was appalled that Sinclair had entered him in the contest and infuriated that he hadn't been forewarned. Krome fought the impulse to dash back and snatch the yellow-bellied slider from the editor's grasp, just to see him whimper and twitch.

"Come on." Tom led his wife away from the bustle of the shrine, around to the backyard. He set the bulky aquarium in the sun, to warm the baby cooters.

Mary Andrea said, "I suppose you saw it on television, Turnquist's big coup. You probably got a good laugh."

"It made the TV?"

"Tom, did you set me up? Tell the truth."

He said, "I wish I were that clever. Honestly."

Mary Andrea puffed her cheeks, which Tom recognized as a sign of exasperation. "I don't think I'm going to ask about those turtles," she said.

"It's a very long story. I like your hair, by the way. Looks good short."

"Stop with that. You hear me?" She very nearly admitted she'd started coloring it because it had become shot full of gray, no thanks to him.

Tom pointed at the summons, with which Mary Andrea briskly fanned herself. He had to grin. Fifty-nine degrees and she's acting like it's the Sahara.

"So when's our big day in court?"

"Two weeks," she said curtly. "Congratulations."

"Oh yeah. I've already ordered the party hats."

"What happened to your face?"

"A man stomped it. He's dead now."

"Go on!" But she saw he wasn't kidding. "My God, Tom, did you kill him?"

"Let's just say I was a contributing factor." That would be as much as he'd tell; let her make up her own yarn. "Well," he said, "what's it going to be? Are you going to keep fighting me on this?"

"Oh, relax."

"Gonna take off again? Change your name and all that nonsense?"

"If you want the truth," Mary Andrea said, "I'm tired of running. But I'm even more tired of road tours and working for scale. I need to get back East and jump-start this, acting career of mine."

"Maybe look for something off Broadway."

"Exactly. I mean, God, I ended up in the middle of Montana."

"Yeah?" Krome thinking: Not a megamall for a thousand miles.

"Me in cowboy country! Can you imagine?"

"All because you didn't want a divorce."

"I'll be the first Finley woman in five centuries to go through with it."

"And the sanest," Tom said.

Mary Andrea gave a phony scowl. "I saved your goodbye note. The lyric you ripped off from Zevon."

"Hey, if I could write worth a lick," he said, "I wouldn't be working for schmucks like Sinclair."

"What about your novel?" she asked.

Stopping him cold.

"Your girlfriend told me about it. The Estrangement. Catchy title."

Mary Andrea's tone was deadly coy. Tom angled his face to the sky, shielding his eyes; pretending to watch a flight of ducks. Buying time. Wondering when, why and under what unthinkable circumstances JoLayne Lucks and Mary Andrea Finley Krome had met.

"So how far along are you?"

"Uh?" Tom, with a vague, sidelong look.

"On your book," prodded Mary Andrea.

"Oh. Bits and pieces are all I've got."

"Ah."

A knowing smile was one of her specialties, and now she wore a killer. Just as Tom was about to surrender and ask about JoLayne, Katie Battenkill came around the corner, humming contentedly. Then he understood.

"Ex-girlfriend," he whispered to Mary Andrea.

"Whatever."

Katie rushed up and unabashedly hurled her arms around his neck. "We rode over together," she said. "Your wife and I."

"So I gather."

The information had a paralytic, though not entirely disagreeable, effect. Tom had never before been bracketed by two women with whom he'd slept. Though awkward, the moment enabled him to understand perfectly why he'd been attracted to each of them and why he couldn't live with either one.

"Tell her she looks great," Mary Andrea said archly to her husband. "We all look great."

"Well, you do."

Katie said, "I think you guys need to be alone."

Tom snagged her around the waist before she could slip away. "It's all right. Mary Andrea and I have finished our serious chat."

His wife asked: "What's that on your hand, Katie? Did you cut yourself?"

"Oh no. That's an actual teardrop from the world-famous weeping Madonna." Katie gaily displayed a red-flecked ring finger. "My guess is tap water, food coloring and perfume. Charlie, it smells like."

After a discreet sniff, Mary Andrea concurred.

Krome said to Katie: "I hope you're not too disappointed."

"That it's not real? Geez, Tommy, you must think I'm a total sucker. It's a beautiful shrine, that's what matters. The tears are just for hype."

Mary Andrea was on the verge of enjoying herself. "His book," she reported confidentially to Katie, "is still in the very early stages."

"Eeeeek." Katie covered her face in embarrassment. She knew she shouldn't have mentioned to Tom's wife his idea for a divorce novel.

"What else did you tell her," he said, "or am I foolish to ask?"

Katie's green eyes widened. Mary Andrea responded with a quick shake of the head.

Krome caught it and muttered: "Oh, terrific." Katie and her carnal scorecard. "You should get a job on the sports desk," he told her.

She smiled wanly. "I might need it."

Mary Andrea gave her new friend's arm a maternal pat and suggested it was time to leave. "We've got a long drive, and you need to get home."

"It's Art," Katie volunteered to Tom. "He's been arrested – it was all over the radio."

Krome couldn't fake so much as a murmur of sympathy. His house burned down because of Arthur Battenkill; burned down with a man inside. The judge deserved twenty to life.

"The police want to talk to me some more," Katie explained.

"It's good you're cooperating."

"Of course, Tommy. It's the only honest thing. Oh, look at all the little cooters – they're adorable!"

Lugging the turtle tank, Tom Krome escorted the two women through the ebullient pilgrims, past the blood-weeping Virgin and the runny Jesus Omelette, and out to the street.

Katie Battenkill was delighted to learn what was planned for the baby reptiles. "That's so lovely!" she said, kissing Tom on the nose. She primly scissored her long legs into the car and told him she'd see him at Arthur's trial. Tom waved goodbye.

Mary Andrea stood there looking tickled; savoring the sight of her long-lost spouse trying to balance his swirling emotions and an exotic cargo. The only possible explanation for the turtle project was a new woman, but Mary Andrea didn't pry. She didn't want to know anything that might weaken the story in the retelling.

"Well," Tom said, "I guess we'll be seeing each other at a different trial, won't we?"

"Not me. I don't have time."

She sounded sincere but Krome remained wary; Mary Andrea could be so smooth. "You mean it?" he said. "We can finally settle this thing?"

"Yes, Tommy. But only if I get a first edition of The Estrangement. Autographed personally by the author."

"Christ, Mary Andrea, there's no book. I was just ranting."

"Good," she said to her future ex-husband. "Then we've got a deal. Now put down that damn aquarium so I can give you a proper hug."