Carl Hiassen - Lucky You

The dapper Squires looked uneasy; he shifted his eelskin briefcase from one fist to the other. Clara Markham made the introductions and started a pot of coffee.

She said, "So how was your trip, Jo? Where'd you go?"

"Camping."

"In all that weather!"

"Listen, hon, it kept the bugs away." JoLayne moved quickly to change the subject. "How's my pal Kenny? How's the diet coming?"

"We've lost two pounds! I switched him to dry food, like you suggested." Clara Markham reported this proudly. She handed a cup of coffee to Bernard Squires, who thanked her in a reserved tone.

The real estate broker explained: "Kenny's my Persian blue. Jo works at the vet."

"Oh. My sister has a Siamese," said Squires, exclusively out of politeness.

JoLayne Lucks whipped off her sunglasses and zapped him with a smile. He could scarcely mask his annoyance. This was his competition for a $3 million piece of commercial property – a black woman with orange fingernails who works at an animal hospital!

Clara Markham settled behind her desk, uncluttered and immaculate. JoLayne Lucks and Bernard Squires positioned themselves in straight-backed chairs, almost side by side. They set their coffee cups on cork-lined coasters.

"Shall we begin?" said Clara.

Without preamble Squires opened the briefcase across his lap, and handed to the real estate broker a sheaf of legal-sized papers. Clara skimmed the cover sheet.

For JoLayne's benefit she said, "The union's offer is three million even with twenty-five percent down. Mr. Squires already delivered a good-faith cash deposit, which we put in escrow."

They jacked up the stakes, JoLayne brooded. Bastards.

"Jo?"

"I'll offer three point one," she said, "and thirty percent up front." She'd been to the bank early. Tom Krome was right – a young vice president in designer suspenders had airily offered an open line of credit to cover any shortfall on the Simmons Wood down payment.

Squires said, "Ms. Markham, I'm not accustomed to this ... informality. Purchase proposals on a tract this size are usually put into writing."

"We're a small town, Bernard. And you're the one who's in the big hurry." Clara, with a saccharine smile.

"It's my clients, you see."

"Certainly."

JoLayne Lucks was determined not to be intimidated. "Clara knows my word is good, Mr. Squires. Don't you think things will move quicker this way, all three of us together?"

Disdain flicked across the investment manager's face. "All right, quicker it is. We'll jump to 3.25 million."

Clara Markham shifted slightly. "Don't you need to call your people in Chicago?"

"That's not necessary," Squires replied with an icy pleasantness.

"Three three," JoLayne said.

Squires closed the briefcase soundlessly. "This can go on for as long as you wish, Miss Lucks. The pension fund has given me tremendous latitude."

"Three point four." JoLayne slipped from worried to scared. The man was a shark; this was his job.

"Three five," Bernard Squires shot back. Now it was his turn to smile.

The girl was caving fast. What was I so worried about? he wondered. It's this creepy little hole of a town – I let it get to me.

He said, "You see, the union has come to rely upon my judgment in these matters. Real estate development, and so forth. They leave the negotiations to me. And the value of a parcel like this is defined hy the market on any given day. Today the market happens to be, quite frankly, pretty good."

JoLayne glanced at her friend Clara, who appeared commendably unexcited by the bidding or the rising trajectory of her commission. What was evident in Clara's soft hazel eyes was sympathy.

Gloomily JoLayne thought: If only the lottery paid the jackpots in one lump sum, I could afford to buy Simmons Wood outright. I could match Squires dollar for dollar until the sweat trickled down his pink midwestern cheeks.

"Excuse me, Clara, may I – "

"Three point seven!" Bernard Squires piped, from reflex.

" – borrow your phone?"

Clara Markham pretended not to have heard Squires. As she slid the telephone toward JoLayne, it rang. Clara simultaneously lifted the receiver and twirled her chair, so she could not be seen. Her voice dropped to a murmur.

JoLayne snuck a glance at Bernard Squires, who was flicking invisible dust off his briefcase. They both looked up inquisitively when they heard Clara Markham say: "No problem. Send him in."

She hung up and swiveled to face them. "I'm afraid this is rather important," she said.

Bernard Squires frowned. "Not another bidder?"

"Oh my, no." The real estate agent chuckled.

When the door opened, she waved the visitor inside – a strong-looking black man wearing round glasses and a business suit tailored even more exquisitely than Squires' own.

"Oh Lord," said JoLayne Lucks. "I should've known."

Moffitt pecked her on the crown of her cap. "Nice to see you, Jo." Then, affably, to Squires: "Don't get up."

"Who're you?"

Moffitt flipped out his badge. Bernard's reaction, Clara Markham would tell her colleagues later, was so priceless that it was almost worth losing the extra commission.

When he hadn't heard from JoLayne, Moffitt had driven to Grange, jimmied the back door of her house and (during a neat but thorough search) listened to the voice messages on her answering machine. That's how he'd come across Clara Markham, a woman who (unlike some Florida real estate salespersons) wholeheartedly believed in cooperating with law enforcement authorities. Clara had informed Moffitt of JoLayne's interest in Simmons Wood and brought him up to speed on the negotiations. Something ticked in the agent's memory when he learned the competing buyer was the Central Midwest Brotherhood of Grouters, Spacklers and Dry-wallers International. Moffitt had spent the early part of the morning talking to the people in his business who talked to the computers. They were exceptionally helpful.

Clara Markham invited him to sit. Moffitt declined. His hovering made Bernard Squires anxious, which was for Moffitt's purpose a desirable thing.

Squires examined the agent's identification. He said: "Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms? I don't understand." Then, for added smoothness: "I hope you didn't come all this way on government business, Mr. Moffitt, because I don't drink, smoke or carry a gun."

The agent laughed. "In Florida," he said, "that puts you in a definite minority."

Bernard Squires was compelled to laugh, too – brittle and unpersuasive. Already he could feel his undershirt clinging to the small of his back.

Moffitt said, "Do you know a man named Richard Tarbone?"

"I know who he is," Squires said – the same answer he'd given to three separate grand juries.

"Do you know him as Richard or 'Icepick'?"

"I know of him," Squires replied carefully, "as Richard Tarbone. He is a legitimate businessman in the Chicago area."

"Sure he is," Moffitt said, "and I'm Little Richard's love child."

JoLayne Lucks covered her mouth to keep from exploding. Clara Markham pretended to be reading the fine print of the union's purchase offer. When Moffitt asked to speak to Mr. Squires privately, the two women did not object. JoLayne vowed to hunt down some doughnuts.

Once he and Squires were alone in the office, Moffitt said: "You don't really want to buy this property. Trust me."

"The pension fund is very interested."

"The pension fund, as we both know, is a front for the Tarbone family. So cut the crap, Bernie."

Squires moved his jaws as if he was working on a wad of taffy. He heard the door being locked. The agent was standing behind him now.

"That's slander, Mr. Moffitt, unless you can prove it – which you cannot."

He waited for a response: Nothing.