Carl Hiassen - Lucky You

Dominick said, "There's more to what happened than we been told, I guarantee."

"Yeah, yeah. Maybe it was Martians. Maybe a UFO flew down in the middle of the night – "

"No, but I heard she was all beat up."

"I'm not surprised," Demencio said. "My theory? She's so mad at herself for losing the ticket, she takes a baseball bat and clobbers herself in the goddamn head. That's what I'd do if I fucked up that bad."

Dominick Amador said, "I don't know," and went back to eviscerating doughnuts. After a few minutes, when it seemed Demencio had cooled off, Dominick asked another favor.

"It's regarding my feet," he said.

"The answer is no."

"I need somebody to drill 'em."

"Then talk to your wife."

"Please," said Dominick. "I got the shop all set up."

Demencio laid six dollars on the counter and slid off the stool. "Drill your own feet," he told Dominick. "I ain't in the mood."

JoLayne Lucks knew what Dr. Crawford thought:

Finally the girl gets a boyfriend, and the boyfriend beats her to a pulp.

"Please don't stare. I know I'm a sight," JoLayne said.

"You want to tell me about it?"

"Truly? No." That would clinch it with Doc Crawford, the fact that she wouldn't talk. So she added: "It's not what you think."

Dr. Crawford said: "Hold still, you little shit."

He was addressing Mickey, the Welsh corgi on the examining table.

JoLayne was doing her best to control the dog but it was squirming like a worm on a griddle. The little ones always were the hardest to handle – cockers, poodles, Pomeranians – and the nastiest, too. Biters, every damn one. Give me a 125-pound Dobie any day, JoLayne thought.

To Mickey the corgi, she muttered: "Be good, baby." Whereupon Mickey sank his yellow fangs into her thumb and did not let go. As painful as it was, the attachment enabled JoLayne Lucks to control the dog's head, giving Dr. Crawford a clear shot at the vaccination site. The instant Mickey felt the needle, he released his grip on JoLayne. Dr. Crawford commended her for not losing her temper.

JoLayne said, "Why take it personally. You'd bite, too, if you had a dog's brain. I've seen men with no such excuse do worse things."

Dr. Crawford buttered her thumb with Betadine. JoLayne observed that it looked like steak sauce.

"You want some on that lip?" the doctor asked.

She shook her head, bracing for the next question. How did that happen? But all he said was: "A couple sutures wouldn't be a bad idea, either."

"Oh, that's not necessary."

"You don't trust me."

"Nope." With her free hand she patted the bald spot on Doc Crawford's head. "I'll be OK," she told him.

The remainder of JoLayne's workday: cat (Daisy), three kittens (unnamed), German shepherd (Kaiser), parrot (Polly), cat (Spike), beagle (Bilko), Labrador retriever (Contessa), four Labrador puppies (unnamed), and one rhinoceros iguana (Keith). JoLayne received no more bites or scratches, although the iguana relieved itself copiously on her lab coat.

Arriving home, she recognized Tom Krome's blue Honda parked in the driveway. He was sitting in the swing on the porch. JoLayne sat down next to him and pushed off. With a squeak the swing started to move.

JoLayne said, "I guess we've got a deal."

"Yep."

"What'd your boss say?"

"He said, 'Great story, Tom! Go to it!' "

"Really."

"His exact words. Hey, what happened to your coat?"

"Iguana pee. Now ask about my thumb."

"Lemme see."

JoLayne extended her hand. Krome studied the bite mark with mock seriousness.

"Grizzly!" he said.

She smiled. Boy, did it feel good, his touch. Strong and gentle and all that stuff. Which was how it always started, with a warm dumb tingle.

JoLayne hopped out of the swing and said: "We've got an hour before sunset. I want to show you something."

When they got to Simmons Wood, she pointed out the for sale sign. "That's why I can't wait six months for these jerkoffs to get caught. Any day, somebody's going to come along and buy this place."

Tom Krome followed her over the fence, through the pine and palmettos. She stopped to point out bobcat scat, deer tracks and a red-shouldered hawk in the treetops.

"Forty-four acres," JoLayne said.

She was whispering, so Krome whispered back. "How much do they want for it?"

"Three million and change," she said.

Krome asked about the zoning.

"Retail," JoLayne answered, with a grimace.

They stopped on the sandy bluff overlooking the creek. JoLayne sat down and crossed her legs. "A shopping mall and a parking lot," she said, "just like in the Joni Mitchell song."

Tom Krome felt he should be writing down everything she said. His notebook nagged at him from the back pocket of his jeans. As if he still had a newspaper job.

JoLayne, pointing at the tea-colored ribbon of water: "That's where the cooters come from. They're off the logs now, but you should be here when the sun's high."

Still whispering, like she was in church. Which he supposed it was, in a way.

"What do you make of my plan?"

Krome said, "I think it's fantastic."

"You're making fun."

"Not at all – "

"Oh yes. You think I'm nuts." She propped her chin in her hands. "OK, smart guy, what would you do with the money?"

Krome started to answer but JoLayne motioned for him to hush. A deer was at the creek; a doe, drinking. They watched it until darkness fell, then they quietly made their way back to the highway, Krome following the whiteness of JoLayne's lab coat weaving through the trees and scrub.

Back at the house, she disappeared into the bedroom to change clothes and check her phone messages. When she came out, he was standing at the aquarium, watching the baby turtles.

"Treasure this," she said. "Chase Bank called. The assholes have already charged a truckload of stuff on my Visa."

Krome spun around. "You didn't tell me they got your credit card."

JoLayne reached for the kitchen phone. "I've got to cancel that number."

Krome grabbed her arm. "No, don't. This is wonderful news: They've got your Visa, plus they seem to be total morons."

"Yeah, I couldn't be happier."

"You wanted to find them, right? Now we've got a trail."

JoLayne was intrigued. She sat down at the kitchen table and opened a box of Goldfish crackers. The salt stung the cut on her lip, made her eyes water.

Krome said: "Here's what you do. Call the bank and find out exactly where the card's been used. Tell them you loaned it to your brother, uncle, something like that. But don't cancel it, JoLayne. Not until we know where these guys are headed."

She did what he told her. The Chase Bank people couldn't have been nicer. She took down the information and handed it to Krome, who said: "Wow."

"No kidding, wow."

"They spent twenty-three hundred dollars at a gun show?"

"And two hundred sixty at a Hooters," JoLayne said. "I'm not sure which is scarier."

The gun show was at the War Memorial Auditorium in Fort Lauderdale, the Hooters was in Coconut Grove. The robbers seemed to be traveling south.

"Get packed," Tom Krome said.

"Lord, I forgot about the turtles. You know how hungry they get."

"They're not coming with us."

"Course not," JoLayne said.

They stopped at the ATM so she could get some cash. Back in the car, she popped a handful of Goldfish and said: "Drive like the wind, partner. My Visa maxes out at three thousand bucks."

"Then let's pay it off. Put a check in the mail first thing tomorrow – I want these boys to go hog wild."

Sportively JoLayne grabbed a handful of Krome's shirt. "Tom, I've got exactly four hundred and thirty-two dollars left in my checking."

"Relax," he told her. Then, with a sideways glance: "It's time you started thinking like a millionaire."