Carl Hiassen - Basket Case

"Jack."

"I forgot. He doesn't rate."

Emma says, "If anything, it's a brief for Metro."

Sorry, Jay, but that's how it goes. No space in the newspaper for dead sidemen.

My skull rings like a gong. Carefully I sit down behind the wheel of Jimmy Stoma's boat. I'm wondering what violent chain of events I might have set in motion by surprising Jay Burns and quizzing him about Jimmy's secret sessions. I remember the anxiety in his pig-drunk eyes when he asked me if Billy Preston was still alive, and now I feel like a creep for needling him about outliving Franz Kafka and John Lennon. Maybe he wigged out and did something rash, such as phoning Cleo Rio to warn her I'd been snooping around.

In the shadows, Emma sneezes.

"I'm sorry. I should take you home," I say.

"Sorry for what? This is ... "

"Fun?"

"Exciting, Jack. I spend all my days stuck in boring meetings, or sitting like a goob in front of a video screen. This is my first crime scene."

"Didn't Juan take you to a Marlins game?"

"Go ahead and make fun. Not everyone ... "

"What?"

"Never mind." Emma points. "Hey, maybe it's under those scuba tanks."

I aim the flashlight at the deck in front of the transom, where a dozen white dive tanks are arranged in two upright rows, like jumbo milk bottles. The tanks stand undisturbed, indicating the killers weren't interested. They must have believed that whatever they were seeking was concealed indoors.

While Emma holds the light, I move the scuba tanks one by one. The deck beneath and between them is empty. I'm amused to hear Emma mutter, "Damn."

Then we luck out. While hoisting the next-to-the-last tank, I hear something sliding back and forth inside. Flipping the tank on its top, we find the charred weld where the rounded bottom has been cut away, then recapped. It's a crude job, but the marks are well concealed by the way the dive tanks were aligned. Emma opens the door to the companionway and I drag our find into the ransacked cabin. Among the contents of an overturned toolbox Emma locates a small pick and a heavy mallet.

"Turn on the stereo," I tell her. "Loud."

As we're engulfed by Jay's beloved Led Zeppelin, I go to town on the scuba tank. Smiling, Emma cups her hands over her ears. She's having a blast.

Ten minutes of furious hammering breaks the weld. The bottom piece flies off the tank and lands in the galley sink, spinning like a saucer. I reach into the hollow aluminum cylinder and come out with a bubble-wrapped parcel.

"Drugs?" Emma whispers at my shoulder, but I'm thinking: Gun.

As I unwrap the package I notice my ringers are trembling; Emma's breath is coming in shallow bursts. Yet the bubble-wrapped object is neither a lid of grass nor a pistol. At first glance I mistake it for an eight-track cassette, but it's slightly larger and thicker. "Let me take a look," Emma offers. She turns the black plastic box around in her hands. "See that little doohickey? This thing plugs into a computer."

"What could it be?"

"I haven't got a clue," Emma says, "but I know who would."

"Oh no. Not on a Friday night."

"It's now Saturday morning." She points at her watch.

"Three a.m. We can't possibly do this now," I insist.

"Why not?"

"Because." Hell, I tell myself, just get it over with. "Because he'll have company."

"Oh, who cares," Emma says merrily. "Honestly, Jack."

In the car I twist up the volume on the Stomatose CD and, in memory of the late Jay Burns, play for Emma one of his collaborations with Jimmy Stoma.

Three days in the sack and my dreams came true

But you gotta let me up 'cause I'm all black 'n' blue.

Don't take it personal, ooooh, don't pitch a fit.

My gums are bleedin' and the motor's quit.

I love you, baby, but I'm all humped out.

I love you, baby, but I'm all humped out.

Aw, I want you, baby, but I'm ... all ... humped ... OUT!

"Catchy," Emma says thinly. She remains unconvinced of Jimmy Stoma's genius.

"Could you hear Burns on the piano?"

"Not really, Jack."

"Doing his Little Richard bop."

"Who's Little Richard?" she asks.

"You're breaking my heart."

I'm pulling into the driveway of Juan's house when Emma says, "I've never been here before."

"Then you should be warned: This is where he frequently sleeps with women."

"I'll try not to make a scene," Emma says.

The house is dark. I knock firmly on the door. She stands back, clutching the gadget we found inside the scuba tank.

"Maybe he's not home," I say hopefully.

"His Jeep's in the carport," Emma notes.

I knock again, harder this time. A light appears through a side window and soon we hear voices, plural.

"Juan!" I call out. "Hey, Juan, it's me!"

The door cracks open. "Obituary Boy?"

"Yeah. You decent?"

Juan pokes his head out, blinking fuzzily.

"Hi," Emma says.

"Hi there." Juan reddens. "Look, I—"

Here I leap in with abject apologies and begin to relate the turbulent events of the evening. He cuts me off and waves us in. Emma and I choose an overstuffed sofa and sit side by side, like a couple, while Juan hurries to the bedroom to change. Again voices are heard, but Emma is unflinching. Her expression suggests she approves of Juan's taste in art and furniture. When he returns, in wrinkled blue jeans and a polo shirt, he is accompanied by a stunning black-haired woman whom I recognize as Miriam, the orthopedic surgeon. She now is wearing Juan's robe, making a statement.

"Miriam, you remember Jack," Juan says, nervously smoothing his hair, "and this is Emma, she works at the newspaper, too. She's an editor."

Miriam acts unimpressed but Emma is smooth as silk. The two women exchange cool hellos. Juan looks at me pleadingly and all I can do is wince with remorse.

"We won't stay long," Emma says, and hands the black box to Juan. "We think it attaches to a computer."

He nods. "Sure does. Connects right here, with a cable." Out of courtesy he shows it to Miriam, who also nods. When I sneak a glance at Emma, a smile plays at the corners of her mouth.

"It's an external hard drive," Juan says.

"What does it do?"

"Whatever it's told. Where'd you get this?"

We can't tell him, not with Miriam hovering. She is intently curious about the reason for our visit; only high drama can excuse an interruption at this hour.

"It's a long, messy story," I tell Juan.

Emma pipes up: "Jack's working on an investigation." Words I never dreamed I'd hear her say.

Juan winks at me. I ask him if the hard drive will fit on my computer at work.

"Might," he says, "but it'll probably come up as gibberish on your screen." He explains that the device is like a disembodied brain. "You can't just plug it in anywhere and expect it to zap back to life. You need to figure out how it was programmed before you can find out what's inside."

And what's inside that little box, I'm hoping, is the key to Jimmy Stoma's death.

Emma says to Juan, "Can you give it a try?"

His eyes flick painfully from Emma to Miriam, and then to me. He says, "Um ... not tonight. How about tomorrow?"

"Tomorrow is fine," I say.

He peers at my lumpy face. "Man, you all right? Looks like you fell down three flights of stairs."

"Two," I say with a crooked smile. "And would you believe I was dead sober."

Miriam, the physician, feels obliged to let us know she isn't fooled by our light bonhomie. "You've been beaten up," she says sternly. "You've been punched in the face."

"Yes, and elsewhere." Suddenly I don't feel so chipper. "Come on, Emma, let's be on our way. These two kids need some shut-eye."

Just as I'm approaching the car, the flagstones in Juan's yard start dodging my feet. Emma orders me into the passenger seat, where I prop my clammy forehead against the window.