Carl Hiassen - Basket Case

"Jack, you don't understand. The way it got explained to me, whatever happens on earth, your spirit remains safe and whole. Whether you're a fish or a butterfly or whatever."

I gnaw crossly on a pickle. "All right. Say I get reincarnated as a lobster—"

"Let's not talk about this anymore."

"First day of lobster season, some bubble-blower nails me with a speargun. You're saying I won't feel a thing? Even when they drop my tasty red ass into a pot of boiling water, my spirit will feel A-OK? You honestly believe that?"

"Can we get the check please."

Dr. Winston Sawyer is eighty-seven years old, the same age as Jacques-Yves Cousteau when he died. Says Dr. Sawyer: "I've delivered more babies than any other poysin in all da Bahamas."

Janet and I had braced ourselves for such news. The man's waiting room was packed with pregnant women.

"We're here about my brother," Janet says.

"Ah," Dr. Sawyer nods. He continues nodding. "Indeed, indeed."

Janet glances anxiously at me. I am burning this scene into memory in case I need to write about it later in the newspaper.

"The American who died in the diving accident," I remind Dr. Sawyer. "Last week at Chub Cay?"

"Ah." The doctor smiles warmly. I am impressed by the old man's dentition, which is flawless and luminously white.

I say, "Perhaps we're looking for another Dr. Sawyer."

"I understand your confusion," he says, "but be assured dat I'm fully qualified, fully qualified. The police call me occasionally on such matters, occasionally as I say, due to my long years of experience ... "

I ask why there were no stitches on the body of Janet's brother.

"Stitches." The doctor blinks drowsily.

"As are commonly used in autopsy procedures, yes," I say, "to close the chest cavity."

Janet sighs. The color has seeped from her cheeks. She extracts the lump of chewing gum from her jaw and lobs it into a wastebasket.

Dr. Winston Sawyer raises a bony finger the color of polished teak. "You say autopsy, well, I must tell you, sir—and you, madam—dat dere wasn't need for an autopsy. Dat is why you saw no sutures! I was merely ast to attend by the police, who call me on such matters, due to my experience ... "

The doctor trails off. The upraised finger curls and uncurls.

"Go on," I say. "You were asked by the police ... "

Dr. Sawyer's chin snaps up. "Indeed. I was ast to examine the body, which I did, and subsequently certified the death as accidental. Subsequent, as I say, to a postmortem examination."

"But a visual examination only." I take out my notebook and uncap a pen. Blessedly, Dr. Sawyer fails to notice.

"Understand dat I've had occasion to see many drowning victims over dese many years. This was quite routine," he says, directing his words toward Janet, "not that any such tragedy is 'routine,' madam. But in the medical sense, you understand, it was. Drownings are not uncommon here in the Bahamas, not uncommon. Sadly to say."

Numbly Janet asks, "So, how did Jimmy look?"

Dr. Sawyer grunts helplessly. The sage finger is withdrawn.

"I mean," says Janet, "you see any bruises? Any sorta ... you know, Jack, what's the word?"

"Trauma."

"Yeah. Any trauma?"

"None," the doctor says. "Not a scratch, madam, I give you my woid. Your brother died from drowning. Dere was no need to cut—oh goodness, no need for a complete autopsy procedure."

"You saw nothing at all unusual?" I ask. "You did get him out of his wetsuit at least?"

Dr. Sawyer squints in fierce concentration, moving his mottled lips like a cow. Then he explodes in a jolly boom: "Haw! Now I know what this mon be gettin' at! The tattoo. The snake tattoo! Oh goodness, I never see anyting like dat before, not in eighty-seven years! Gawd, please!"

The doctor is wheezing, he's laughing so hard. Pretty soon Janet cracks up, too. Then I join in. How could anyone not like the old guy?

"That tattoo, wheeeee, it's like a woik of art," Dr. Sawyer is saying. "Tell you trute, I'm glad I didn't have to mess dat up. Woulda made me plenty sad to do such a ting! Who was the pretty lady with dat snake, if I may ast?"

"Some stripper Jimmy was dating," Janet says, giggling at the memory. "In real life she had a terrible overbite."

"Dat's okay. I hear da same 'bout Mona Lisa."

As the doctor cordially leads us to the door, I tell him I've got one more question.

"Anyting, sir," he says.

"I was wondering if you've had any formal forensic training?"

"Certainly, sir." He tilts his wizened head and peers at me like an ancient turtle. "I woiked as a pathologist right here on New Providence. Nassau Town."

"When was that?"

"Nineteen ... well, let me tink. Forty-two it was."

"And part of '43. Before I took up da practice of obstetrics." Dr. Sawyer beams. "I've delivered more babies than any other poysin in the commonwealth!"

The seaplane is late. Janet and I wait on a peeling wooden bench in the broken shade of some coconut palms. She lets me skim through the police report—I was hoping for some notation that might trip up Cleo Rio, but there's not much there. The Bahamians kept it simple.

I find myself asking Janet when her father died.

"Nine years ago," she says.

"How old was he?"

"Fifty-two."

"Wow," I say. The same age as Harry Nilsson.

"Too young," Janet adds.

"Does it worry you?"

She eyes me curiously. "No, Jack. It makes me sad. I loved my old man."

"Of course you did. What I meant was, doesn't it make you wonder about your own ... timetable?"

The question is unforgivably insensitive, which I realize the instant it leaves my lips. This is one aspect of my obsession that aggravates not only my mother but my friends as well.

But Janet's look dissolves into one of understanding. "Oh," she says. "Sure. Dying young and all."

"Not just dying young," I slog on, "but dying at the exact same age as a parent or a friend or even a famous person you admire."

"You mean, like, fate? Don't tell me you believe in fate?"

"Not fate. Black irony. That's what I believe in."

Janet whistles. "Ever thought about changing jobs?"

"Can I ask what happened to your father?"

"He was screwing one of his students when her boyfriend showed up. It was, like, her nineteenth birthday. My father jumped out the dormitory window to get away, but six stories is a long way down. Too bad he taught English lit and not physics." Janet smiles ruefully. "That's why I'm not too worried about checking out at fifty-two."

"Gotcha," I say.

"I mean there's fate, Jack, and then there's just plain stupidity."

Midnight.

The old days, a newsroom at this hour reeked of coffee and cigarettes and stale pizza. You'd hear the wire machines chittering and the police scanners gabbling and the pasteup guys snorting at dirty jokes.

But like most papers, the Union-Register switched to early deadlines to cut costs, so there's hardly a soul around at this late hour. If a plane goes down or the mayor has another coronary, come daybreak we're sucking hind tit to the TV stations.

These days we buy the loyalty of readers with giveaways and grocery coupons, not content. This makes for less clutter, so our newsroom is as spiffy as a downtown Allstate agency, complete with earth-tone carpeting. Every editor and reporter has a personal cubicle with padded pressboard walls and a computer station and a file drawer and a phone with a headset. Some days, we might as well be selling term life.

Nobody barks or shouts anymore, they "message" each other from their terminals. The old days, phones in a newsroom never quit ringing even after the final edition was put to bed. Tonight, as most nights, the place is oppressively silent except for torpid electronic bloops from the PCs (most editors favor the tropical aquarium screen-saver option, while the reporters go for intergalactic warfare motifs).