Carl Hiassen - Basket Case

Juan takes a slug of beer and says to me: "Good piece today."

"Come on, man."

"What?"

"It's a goddamn obit."

"Hey, it was interesting. I remember hearing the Slut Puppies on the radio," he says. " 'Trouser Troll' was kinda catchy."

"I thought so, too." I'm eager to tell Juan about the Jimmy Stoma mystery, but I'm wondering if he already knows. If he does, it means he and Emma are tighter than I thought.

"Did she tell you?" I ask.

"Who? Oh—Emma?"

"No, Madeleine fucking Albright." I set my empty bottle on the floor. "Look, I hope I didn't interrupt anything this afternoon. Normally, I'd never—"

"You didn't." Juan grins. "I was helping with her computer. She got a new browser."

"I'll bet she did."

"Honest. That's all."

"Then why didn't you pop out and say hi?"

Juan says, "She asked me not to."

That's just like Emma, worrying that Juan's presence as my friend and her potential sex partner would somehow undermine her primacy in the editor-reporter relationship.

"Hell," I say, "I thought she had you lashed to the bed."

"I wish." Juan, smiling again. Sometimes he's too charming for his own good.

"Did she tell you or not?"

"Why you stopped by? Sure, she told me."

"And did she tell you what she said?"

Juan nods sympathetically. "It really blows."

"That's why I'm drinking."

"Three beers is not drinking, Jack." He has counted the bottles on the floor. "Three beers is sulking."

"What should I do about Emma?" I rise out of a slouch. "Wait—why the hell'm I asking you ?"

"Because I'm wise beyond my years?"

"Do me a favor," I say. "If you're screwing her, please don't tell me. Just change the subject and I'll get the message."

"Deal," says Juan with a decisive nod. "Hey, there's a rumor Marino's coming out of retirement!"

"Very smooth, asshole."

"Jack, I'm not sleeping with Emma."

"Excellent," I say, "then you're free to advise me. This woman intends to dump Jimmy Stoma on the Metro desk. My story, Juan, and this cold-blooded wench wants to give it away!"

"And I thought the Sports desk was a pit."

I hear myself asking, "What can you possibly see in her?"

Juan hesitates. I know he's at no loss for words because he is a fine writer, much better than I am, even in his second language.

"Emma's different than the others, Jack."

"So is a two-headed scorpion."

"You want, I'll talk to her."

"No!"

"Just trying to help."

"You don't understand," I say. "There's a complicated dynamic between Emma and me."

Juan's right foot is tapping to the music; Jagger, singing of street-fighting men.

"It's my story," I grumble, "and she won't let me do it."

"I'm sorry, man." Juan knows what happened to me, the whole odious business. He knows where I stand at the newspaper. He calls me "Obituary Boy" to keep things light, but he truly feels lousy about the situation. It can't be helped. He's a star and I'm a lump of jackal shit.

"Quit," he says earnestly.

"That's the best you can do?"

Juan has been advising me to resign ever since my demotion to the Death page. "That's exactly what Emma wants—didn't she tell you? It's what they all want. So I'm not quitting, Juan, until the day they beg me to stay."

He's not up for one of my legendary rants. I can't imagine why. "Tell me about Jimmy Stoma," he says.

So I tell him everything I know.

"Okay," he says after a moment's thought, "let's say there was no autopsy. What does that really prove? It's the Bahamas, Jack. I'm guessing they know a drowned scuba diver when they see one."

"But what if—"

"Anyway, who'd want to kill a has-been rock star?" Juan asks, not cruelly.

"Maybe nobody," I admit, "but I won't know for sure unless Emma cuts me free for a few days."

Juan sits forward and rubs his chin. I trust his judgment. He would have made a terrific news reporter if he didn't love baseball so much.

"I've got something to show you," he says, bouncing to his feet, "but I left it in the car."

He's out the door and back in two minutes. He hands me a printout of the Jimmy Stoma obituary that will run in tomorrow's New York Times. The header says: James Stomarti, 39, Rambunctious Rock Performer.

Although the story isn't half as long as mine, I refuse to read it. The Times has the most elegant obituary writing in the world, and I'm in no mood to be humbled.

"Look at the damn story," Juan insists.

"Later."

"Yours was better."

"Yeah, right."

"Pitiful," Juan says. "You're a child."

I peek at the first paragraph:

James Bradley Stomarti, once the hell-raising front man for the 1980s rock group Jimmy and the Slut Puppies, died last week on a laid-back boating excursion in the Bahamas.

I mutter to Juan, "The lead's not bad."

"Check out what Pop-Singer Wifey has to say. Check out the premonition," he says, pointing.

"What premonition?"

Six paragraphs into the obit, there it is:

Mr. Stomarti's wife, the singer Cleo Rio, said she had been apprehensive about her husband's plan to explore the sunken plane wreck, even though he was an experienced diver.

"I had a wicked bad vibe about that dive," Ms. Rio said. "I begged Jimmy not to go. He'd been down sick with food poisoning from some bad fish chowder. He was in so much pain he could hardly put his tank on. God, I wish I could've stopped him."

I can't believe what I'm reading.

Juan says, "I'm guessing the lovely Ms. Rio didn't tell you the same story. You wouldn't have passed up a chance to work the phrase 'bad fish chowder' into an obituary."

"Or even 'wicked bad vibe,'" I say, indignantly waving the pages. "The girl never said anything about this. She said she was lounging around the boat, reading a magazine and working on her tan. Didn't sound the least bit worried about her old man diving a plane wreck."

"Something's screwy," Juan agrees.

"Any brilliant ideas?"

"You've already made up your mind, no?"

My eyes are drawn again to the Times obit. I am relieved to see that the reporter had no more luck than I did in locating the Bahamian coroner. Also missing: any mention of Cleo Rio's Shipwrecked Heart project. Boy, will she be pissed.

"Jack, what are you going to do?" Juan presses.

"The story, of course. It's mine and I'm writing it."

"How? Emma won't back down ... "

He's right. She won't back down, she'll crumble. That's the plan. Juan looks worried, but I can't say whether it's for me or for her. Maybe both.

"What're you going to do?" he asks again.

"Well, tomorrow I plan to call in sick," I say.

"Ugh-oh."

"So I can attend a funeral."

"I fucking knew it."

"You're smiling again, you dog."

"Yeah," Juan says. "I guess I am."

Sure, it would be a kick to write for one of those big serious dailies in Miami, St. Petersburg, or even (in my dreams) Washington or New York. But that's not in the cards. This is my fifth newspaper job and surely the last. I am increasingly unfit for the trade.

The Union-Register was founded in 1931 by MacArthur Polk's father, who upon retirement passed it to his only son, who kept it both solvent and respectable until three years ago, when he unexpectedly sold out to the Maggad-Feist Publishing Group for $47 million in cash, stock and options. It was the foulest day in the newspaper's history.

Maggad-Feist is a publicly traded company that owns twenty-seven dailies around the country. The chairman and CEO, young Race Maggad III, believes newspapers can prosper handsomely without practicing distinguished journalism, as distinguished journalism tends to cost money. Race Maggad III believes the easiest way to boost a newspaper's profits is to cut back on the actual gathering of news. For obvious reasons, he was not a beloved figure at any of the twenty-six other papers owned by Maggad-Feist. He would not be beloved at ours, either, although only one reporter would dare stand up and say so to his face—at a shareholders' meeting, no less, with a stringer for the Wall Street Journal in the audience. The remarks were brief but shockingly coarse, causing young polo-playing Race Maggad III to lose his composure in front of five hundred edgy investors. For his effrontery the reporter could not be fired (or so the paper's attorneys advised). He could, however, be removed from the prestigious investigations team and exiled to the obituary beat, with the expectation he would resign in bitter humiliation.