James Benn - Evil for evil

I saw Diana-no, I heard Diana-that laugh, like glass chimes in a low wind, quiet but insistent, with the promise of more to come. Then I saw her profile in the candlelight, the yellow glow reflecting off her honey brown hair. Her FANY uniform fit her well and she looked even better than the last time I had seen her. More at ease and confident. There was no hesitation in her gestures as she raised a glass of wine to her lips, patted her companion on the arm and leaned closer to whisper to him. I turned away. I had hurt her, waited too long to stand by her side, and now she was out with one of her own, a British captain. He even outranked me.

I walked back the way I had come, waiting for the downward incline to propel me out of the Casbah. Maybe Diana had thought about the same things I had, the difference in who we were, where we came from, and found it easier to imagine her future with a countryman. I'd glimpsed that with Slaine, the comfort of thinking how easy it would be. No hard road there.

No, I told myself. No, I needed to talk to Diana. Things had gone this far because I hadn't said the things that needed saying. I turned again, rehearsing my lines.

I walked through the restaurant before the maitre d' could intercept me, and before I could regain my senses. I watched Diana nodding at her date enthusiastically, smiling up at him. He looked like a recruiting poster, his brass and leather gleaming, khaki dress uniform unwrinkled, his face tanned and his hair burnished blond by the desert sun. And he wore medals. I was definitely outclassed but he'd seen me already, and raised an eyebrow, signaling Diana.

"Billy!"

"I'm sorry to intrude, Diana, I was just passing by and saw you. I wanted to say hello, and wish you well, with whatever you're doing next." I avoided looking at the other guy's face and resisted the urge to vault the wrought-iron fence and run screaming down the road.

"Billy, I didn't expect to see you tonight," Diana said, standing to face me.

"That's obvious," I said. "Look, I know we didn't part on the best of terms. I just wanted to say I'm sorry. And that you should do whatever you think is right, not that you need my two cents' worth."

"Billy, I-"

"Never mind, you don't need to make excuses. I was a bum, I know it, and you deserve someone better. Now enjoy your dinner, sorry I interrupted." I watched her eyes for some signal, some evidence in them of desire or longing. All I saw was blue.

"Diana, I thought you said he was terribly smart," the Brit said, his long legs crossed and one hand idly resting on a knee.

"Listen, bub, you butt out or-captain or not-I'll bust you wide open," I said in a low growl. This was hard enough without some aristocratic twit chiming in.

"Champagne, monsieur and mademoiselle," announced a waiter carrying an ice bucket. This was too much.

"Champagne, what the hell are you celebrating, Diana? Couldn't you have waited until I was out of town? It's not like we have any claim on each other, but-"

"Would you like a chair, sir?" the oblivious waiter asked as he set down the champagne on ice.

Diana stood, put her arms around my neck, and kissed me. Not a glad-to-see-you kiss and not a goodbye kiss. A real kiss, a hungry kiss, a kiss full of passion, a lingering, come-on-upstairs kind of kiss. She finally let me go and a table of French officers applauded.

"I think I'd like that chair now," I said to the waiter.

"Billy," Diana said, taking me by the arm, her eyes twinkling. "I think it's time the two of you met. Lieutenant Billy Boyle, this is Captain Peter Seaton." I watched both of them suppressing grins. Of course. Diana's brother, Peter. She and Daphne had both spoken of him; he was serving with the British 8th Army, now fighting in Italy. We shook hands.

"Glad to meet you," I said. "And sorry for the scene."

A chair and a third glass appeared. We sat as the waiter poured. I watched Diana, transfixed by her beauty, her presence, her scent, the taste of her still on my lips.

"What are we drinking to?"

"My engagement," Peter said. "To a wonderful American girl on the embassy staff in Cairo. We met at a party, one of those incredibly boring duty events. We both fell head over heels. Audrey's from New York City, somewhere in Manhattan. She's been to Harlem, all the jazz clubs, can you believe it?"

"Congratulations," I said. We clinked glasses and drank.

"Well, I promised some chaps I'd meet them at the hotel bar. Now that Billy's here, I'll leave you in his care."

"Oh, Peter," Diana said. "You don't have to go."

I didn't say a thing.

"Catch up with me at the bar. You two finish the champers and.. . well, whatever."

We watched him leave, a bit nervous at being left alone. I took another drink.

"Listen," I said. At the same time she started to speak.

"No, you go first," we both said at the same time. That was good for a laugh.

"Let me get this out, Billy. Kay told me about how exhausted you looked, and your long trip back here. Peter is only here for two days, then he goes to Tunis as part of the conference with the president and the prime minister. So I thought it best to let you sleep and see you in the morning. Or maybe later tonight." That was promising.

"I don't blame you for wanting to spend time with your brother, and I'm sorry I made a fool of myself. But when I thought he was your date, I wanted you to know how I felt."

It occurred to me that Kay had set me up, withholding that final bit of information about who Diana was with. She was one smart cookie.

"I liked hearing it," Diana said, reaching for my hand.

"I had no right to stand in your way about the SOE," I said, lowering my voice instinctively. "If it's important to you, I'm all for it."

"What changed, Billy?"

"In Ireland, I began to understand. Then this afternoon, General Eisenhower said something to me. He said he was a changed man, that no one could go through what he had and not be. It's as simple as that. I've changed. I've discovered what's important, and that it's more than simply living. It's how you live. A long life filled with regrets and guilt is worse than a short life without them."

"I've missed you, Billy. Terribly. I've wanted nothing more than for you to be here. For us to be together. Not forever, if that's not in the cards, but for now. For each other. I want to be happy with you, to drink champagne, introduce you to my brother, talk to you, and listen to you. To wander the Casbah. To see you come safely back to me."

"It took Ireland to show me I was almost throwing all that away."

"What happened there, Billy?" Diana grasped my hand in both of hers.

I leaned in and kissed her softly, her full lips tender against mine.

"I love you," I whispered, and heard the echo as it settled into my mind, the sight of her by candlelight, the smells of the Casbah, the taste of champagne all mingling and forming a memory I knew I'd carry with me always.

"What happened?" she said again.

I took Pig out of my pocket, rubbed his belly, placed him in the palm of her hand, and started to tell the story.