Mark Gatiss - The Vesuvius Club

«Please forgive me, you are Signor Box, yes?»

I nodded.

«My name is Victor,» he said, holding out his gloved hand. I gripped it firmly and introduced Bella.

He took Bella’s hand and kissed it gently. «Our mutual friend, Signor Unmann,» Victor continued, «expresses his regrets and begs that you accepted me as your guide in his stead.»

«Ah,» I said, losing all hope of useful information from my supposed man in the field.

«You know the mountain well?» asked Bella.

The young man took a deep breath of the frankly noxious air. «For me, Vesuvius is like a drug. I cannot help but travel up these slopes whenever I have the chance — even though I live here in Napoli.»

«Yes,» I coughed. «Intoxicating. Known Mr Unmann long have you?»

«Oh we are old… how do you say? Chums . Yes. Old chums. Now tell me, after we have been up and down the great Vesuvius — like the Grand Old Duke, yes? — what would you like to see? Naples is such a thrilling city.»

Bella began at once to itemise every last church in the place and I was slightly relieved when the guard called out « Destinazione!» and our carriage creaked and wheezed its way into the upper station.

Victor got nimbly to his feet and ushered us out of the train into a cloud of ash-filled steam. I wasn’t sure I wanted this little Eye-tie crowding my afternoon with Bella and made plans to get shot of him just as soon as we returned to the Funicular station.

We set foot on black volcanic soil. Bella looked down at her feet and lifted her boots.

«Are you all right, my dear?» I asked.

She grinned. «Just checking that they hadn’t begun to spontaneously combust.»

Only three hundred yards from where we stood, the immense caldera of the volcano glowed an intense orange, plumes of white smoke belching from the sizzling rock. The heat was so intense I could feel the tiny hairs on my hands shrinking. I wished I’d worn gloves. Exposure to the Neopolitan sunshine was already threatening to tan me like a navvy.

I turned my face away from the oven-like heat. Victor stood his ground and shook his head in wonderment. «What a magnificent thing she is!»

«Been quiet for a while has it?» I asked.

He grinned. «A sleeping giant.»

«But not likely to turn over in her sleep any time soon?»

«You never can tell,» chirped Victor gaily. «Come, let us go closer.»

He led the way forward. It was easy to spot the fairly fresh lava flows that lay in petrified streams all about us and I shielded my eyes against the glare from the boiling ground.

Victor closed his eyes. Smoke curled over and about his slim frame like ghostly vipers and we stood for a few silent moments amongst the blackened landscape. Bella clambered onto a great square boulder of volcanic rock and pointed down at the verdant plain. «What is that?»

Far below us lay a collection of whitish buildings, scattered like child’s blocks in the greenery.

«That is Pompeii,» said the youth. «Look there if you wish to see what fearful power the Earth truly has within her.»

We lingered on top of the volcano for some little time with our new acquaintance chatting amiably throughout. Bella seemed quite taken with him but I felt curiously out of sorts. Perhaps it was the impending appointment with the mysterious servant Jackpot. At any rate, I was grateful to get back into the funicular and begin the descent.

Bella noticed how preoccupied I’d become.

«You seem troubled, Lucifer,» she said, crossing to where I stood by the misted window.

I patted her hand. «Forgive me, my dear. Not quite comfortable in my own skin today, if you see what I mean.»

She nodded, smiled. «It seems a shame. It’s such a bonny skin.»

Our eyes locked for a moment, blue to green. We had the whole evening yet. Was this an invitation…?

All thoughts of a jolly tumble with the divine Miss Pok were temporarily banished, however. As the funicular pulled into the station, I happened to glance through the milling crowds at the exit. At once a huge, barrel-chested figure caught my gaze, dressed in a heavy black coat and hat, his indigo-coloured spectacles lending his face a skull-like air.

«My God!» I breathed. «Tiepolo!»

I raced to the exit door of the carriage and banged the heel of my hand against the woodwork as the vehicle clanked with painful tardiness into the station.

«What is it?» cried Bella concernedly.

I craned my neck to see the Duce Tiepolo’s bear-like figure receding into the crowd.

«Forgive me, Bella,» I yelled, wrenching open the door. I turned and addressed the young man, Victor. «Sir, would you be kind enough to escort this lady back to the Vesuvio Hotel? Can’t explain now!»

I was just aware of Bella’s vaguely baffled expression and young Victor raising his hat as I tore from the funicular and out into the station. Barging through the crowd of tourists, I clattered down towards the plain, just in time to see Tiepolo slip into the back of an expensive-looking motorcar which chugged away in a cloud of yellow dust.

I returned to my hotel and changed into evening dress for my appointment with Jackpot, dashing off a note of apology to Bella. I found a pleasant café by the quayside where I downed a few kirs. The Duce Tiepolo was here in Naples! And to risk recapture he must have a very good reason. But what connection did he have to Mrs Knight, her first husband, Morraine, and, by extension, to the professors? That old Quibble was in danger I was now certain but why, if Naples were the locus of this mystery, had he not already been done away with? Perhaps he was the source of the danger! Yet his reaction to the deaths of his old colleagues had been genuine enough. Quibble was no dissembler. «You want to bring all that up again,» he had raged. All what? There had been no word from Unmann regarding the import/export business of the curious undertakers but here, at last, was a lead of sorts. This young man Charlie Jackpot appeared to know something. I clapped my topper to my head and set off for the ancient heart of the city.

The steady chirrup of insects kept me company as I walked the gas-lit avenues of Decumano Maggiore, its cobbles worn into ruts by the traffic of the centuries.

The premises on Via Santa Maria di Costantinopoli were distinguishable from their low and unhealthy-looking neighbours only by the ruby-red light above the lintel. The gas-flame behind the cheaply stained shade shuddered like a rheumy, winking eye.

I made my way softly down the steps to the door. It bore no knocker, nor number of any kind. I had raised my hand when it groaned open, seemingly of its own accord. Shudder not, reader, this is not a spook story! Whatever agency lay behind the door was most assuredly human.

Actually, I must immediately qualify that remark as what lay behind the door appeared to be a monkey. In the light of the sallow gas-jets I could make out poorly papered walls weeping with damp and the stooped figure of whom I spoke: a curious man with very long arms, dressed in green velvet plush. His hair, scraped from a centre parting en brosse , stank of oil.

He cocked his pallid face to one side by way of an interrogative. What should I say? Was his master at home?

I took off my top hat with as much nonchalance as I could muster and decided to be bold. «I understand that a young man of my acquaintance is expecting me. We’re old pals and I haven’t spoken to him for some time. I wonder»

The little creature seemed uninterested in my story, however. He moved to the back of the dismal hallway, nodding absently, and drew aside a disreputable-looking curtain.

The monkey-man smiled grimly, his mouth like a wound. « Si, si. Uno ragazzo. »