Mark Gatiss - The Vesuvius Club

Glittering with jewels, Lady Constance barrelled towards us, swathed in taffeta. «Ach! How delightful to see you, Lucifer!» she gushed. «Do you know where young Miracle is hiding? He is not here! Choo! Choo! I arrive early, yes? To help in the preparations, but where is the boy? I do not know. So— Choo! Choo! — I have to take charge! But who is this? Who is this flower?»

«Lady Constance Tutt-Haffenschafft,» I said. «Miss Bella Pok.»

«Miss Pok! Enchanted. En— choo-choo -chanted.»

Bella stepped back a little, blinking in surprise. Lady Constance gave a quick little smile. «You are in your choice of companion most fortunate, my dear Lucifer,» she enthused in her guttural croak.

«And I in mine,» said Bella, glancing in my direction.

I glowed with pleasure.

«I had no idea you would be accompanied,» said Lady C, teeth glinting. «Pok. An unusual name. Choo! Choo! You have come far?»

«Tonight, no. But I am Dutch by birth.»

«I trust you did not come to London by one of these steam trains?»

Bella shook her head. «No. By boat.»

«Thank God! The train is the devil’s play-thing! Even now I hear them! Chuff! Chuff! »

Lady Constance pressed her hand to her forehead for a moment then exhaled as though steam were forcing its way out of her big nostrils. The moment, it seemed, had passed.

«Forgive me. Now do go off and get yourself a little drink. I’m afraid I must make free with Mr Box for a moment.»

I bowed to Bella and, with an amused smile, she plunged off into the ballroom, soon lost to sight amongst the miasma of silken gowns and black cut-aways.

«You are very naughty,» said Lady Constance, pinching my arm.

«I am?»

«You know very well that your being London’s most alluring bachelor is the principal reason why so many unattached young ladies come to Christopher’s parties. Choo! You are meant to come alone.»

She giggled and it ran like a tremor through her portly frame.

I patted the old sow’s hand indulgently. «I am still very much unattached, my dear Lady Constance and, besides, you know there is only one woman in the world for me.»

I gave her the kind of saucy look that would keep her enthralled for another twelvemonth. Eyelids fluttering bashfully, she batted her fan lightly against the silk-faced lapels of my suit. «Ach! You flatterer! Choo! Choo! You know I have purchased the most glorious new gown. Perhaps I could sit for you again…?»

This was good news. I had painted her perhaps a dozen times, all for excellent remuneration. During our sittings, for some reason, the railway mania abated and she fell into glorious, blissful silence.

Looking towards the crowd in the ballroom, Lady Constance took my arm and began leading me in. «But you have done wonderfully, Lucifer. This girl Pok. She is like a flame. So beautiful!»

«I must concur with you there.»

«And you are fond of her, yes? I could see it at once when the two of you stood together. I must have every detail! I am starved of gossip! Huff! Now, we must hurry and disengage your Miss Bella from those old goats in there before her virtue… choo! … is entirely compromised.»

The ballroom was hung about with paper lanterns and summer flowers. Chattering faces, reflected to the infinite by the huge quantity of gilt mirrors, looked out at me as I sauntered towards Bella. I stepped across the threshold and the old thrill lit up my innards. What did these blandly respectable folk know of me? Could they tell that beneath my crisp white gloves were fingernails that had so recently scrabbled in grave-dirt? Could they guess for even a moment that I was about to embark on a perilous mission that might save their very way of life? Of course not, but what did that matter? At that moment, the guilty pleasure that comes from leading a double life coursed through me like salts.

I caught sight of Bella once more.

She sat: a splendid curl of long scarlet silk, wrapped about with a stole of Arctic fox. An ugly young pup with unwashed hair hanging to his collar stood to her right, jabbering away.

She gave a little start as I appeared and clicked my heels.

«Bella,» I said.

The greasy fellow swung towards me with a questioning look.

«Do forgive me,» I said. «Lucifer Box. I have come to rescue my friend Miss Pok from your miserable attentions. Shall we, my dear?»

I extended the crook of my elbow. She took it and rose with a small smile, leaving her beau blustering in fury.

«You are rather a terrible person, Lucifer,» she said.

«You’re the second person to say that this evening.»

«And certain to have a bad end,» she added.

«It comes of having a bad beginning. You didn’t need rescuing?»

«Of course! He was so dreary and had breath like a spaniel.»

«Well, it was my duty. And my right. You are, after all, my partner for the evening.»

She glanced towards me and the chandeliers glittered in her violet eyes. «Indeed.»

«Then let’s have some cham and then a dance. Quickly, now, I can see Lady Chuff-chuff heading our way and the band have struck up a polka.»

So, in the sweet heat of the evening, we whiled away a very pleasant hour or so, conversation and blood quickened by Mumm. Bella’s gaze was locked on mine, and as we swirled effortlessly around the ballroom, I fervently wished myself free of all responsibilities. Must the dread burden of saving the Empire always fall on me?

I was standing with my back to the room when I saw Bella glance over my shoulder. A little shiver prickled up my spine and I turned and saw a queer-looking fellow standing at the hearth.

He was a very tall, barrel-chested man in spotless evening dress, standing with legs apart, thumbs tucked into the pockets of his white waistcoat, nodding and occasionally smiling tightly at some pleasantry. Thick, oily curls, streaked with white sprouted from his massive head. Perched upon his prominent nose was a pair of curious, indigo-hued spectacles. He seemed ill at ease and was constantly flipping his watch from his waistcoat.

Almost as though he sensed my looking at him, the great head flicked upwards, the light turning his spectacles a flashing white.

«Good Lord,» I said. «Who is that?»

«That is the Duce Tiepolo,» said Lady Constance, appearing at my side with further champagne. «I met him once before in Biarritz. I had heard he was in town.»

«Who?» I glanced almost furtively at the imposing figure by the fireplace.

«He is an Italian duke,» said Bella. «I have read about him in the society columns.»

«One of the discoveries— choo! — of our oh-so-dear Mr Miracle,» trilled Lady Constance. «How he dotes on us stray dogs.»

«Indeed,» I said. «That’s why he likes me so much. This one doesn’t look like a stray dog, though.»

«Oh, he is, to Christopher, like royalty, my dear boy. Tiepolo is the last of a dying scion. His people, they fought, oh most bravely against the Garibaldi fellow back in the sixties— chuff! — but his family were all sent into exile when the… what do you call it?… the Rissole… the Risorgan…»

«Risorgimento,» said Bella softly.

«Yes,» said Lady Constance. «When they came in.»

«He strikes quite a noble figure, does he not?» observed my beautiful companion.

«Oh dear,» I mused. «Another one with a penchant for hard-luck cases.»

«You would like to meet him, yes?»

«Why not,» I said.

So we were led over and into the presence of the great man.

«Your Grace…»

The Duce turned slowly towards us, the deep lines at the corners of his eyes creasing together.

«Aha! Lady Constance! How delightful!»