Stuart Woods - Unnatural acts

“You must be out of your mind, Herbert,” she spat, “coming in here and making yourself at home and thinking I would promote you.”

“You can’t promote me, Karla, I know that, but if you sign this letter, it might help a bit with Eggers.” He removed a letter, neatly typed on the firm’s letterhead, and slid it across the desk.

Karla picked up the letter and read it.

“I don’t think the praise is overdone, do you? I tried to frame it in your own inimitable, grudging style.”

Karla was trembling with anger. “You little twerp,” she said through clenched teeth. “You get out of my office!”

“Just as soon as you sign the letter,” Herbie said. “Oh, and a phone call to Bill would be nice, too.”

“Why do you think I would ever do such a thing?” she demanded.

“Because if you don’t, I’m going to start making people around here aware of what a lousy lawyer you are.”

“ What? ”

“You’ve been kept afloat for years in this firm by smart associates who’ve done your work for you and kept their mouths shut about it, but I’m not going to keep my mouth shut. I’m in a very strong position in this firm. I have an excellent reputation here, and you don’t.” Herbie saw a flicker of something in her face that might have been fear. He pounced.

“You know that as well as I do, don’t you? You know you couldn’t count on the support of a single associate here and not more than one or two partners. You’ve lost two accounts in the past year, and you haven’t brought anything in. You’ve been on the edge at Woodman and Weld, and all you need is a nudge to tumble into the abyss of unemployment.”

“Then why would you want the support in the firm of someone as weak as you think I am?” She smirked, as if she had won the argument.

“Because you never praise anyone for anything, Karla, and the shock just might get Bill Eggers’s attention. That’s the only reason, believe me.” He stood up. “I’ll be going now, and I’d like to take the signed letter with me.” He held out a hand.

She tried the glare again, saw that it wasn’t working, and signed the letter. “Now you can go to hell,” she said.

Herbie put the letter into his pocket. “You first,” he said, then walked out. He was quivering with excitement and exultation. He had nailed Karla Martin, and he had it in writing. She could never retract that letter.

Herbie walked up another flight of stairs and down the wide hallway that housed the senior partners, then walked into Eggers’s secretary’s office. “Good morning, Jane,” he said, giving her his best smile. He had cultivated her carefully since the day he arrived at Woodman amp; Weld.

“Good morning, Herbert,” she said.

“Do you think he might have a moment?”

She picked up the phone and buzzed Eggers. “Herbert Fisher would like a moment.” She hung up. “He’ll see you.”

“Thanks, sweetheart.” Herbie walked into the big corner office. “Good morning, Bill,” he said.

“Herbert,” Eggers said. “I got your message about leaving early yesterday.”

“Yes, I had a lot of work to get done for Karla, and I didn’t want her interrupting me, as she is prone to do, so I took it home and finished it there.”

“I see.”

“It was the last work I’ll be doing for Karla,” Herbie said, matter-of-factly.

Eggers looked surprised. “Are you resigning from the firm, Herbert?”

“No, Bill, just from Karla. I won’t work for her another minute.”

A flicker of a smile crossed Eggers’s face. “And how did Karla take that?” he asked.

“Oh, we parted on good terms,” Herbie said, handing Eggers the letter.

Eggers picked up the letter and read it, looking more and more amazed. “Herbert, did you forge this?”

“Certainly not, Bill.”

Eggers pressed the speaker button on his phone and dialed an extension.

“Karla Martin.”

“Karla, it’s Bill.”

“Good morning, Bill.”

“Good morning. I’ve just read the letter you sent me, recommending Herbert Fisher for senior associate. Do you stand by it?”

There was the briefest of pauses, causing Herbie to begin to sweat, then she said, sweetly for Karla, “Of course, Bill. He’s a very bright young man, and he’s done fine work for me.”

“Thank you, Karla,” Eggers said, then hung up. His gaze had never left Herbie’s face. “I’m having a little trouble digesting this,” he said. “Do you have photographs of Karla in bed with a donkey?”

Herbie laughed heartily. “Karla? I can’t imagine her in bed with man or beast.”

“Neither can I,” Eggers said, “but before you walked in here I could never have imagined her writing this letter, either.”

“Hard shell, soft heart,” Herbie said, shrugging. “Who knew?”

“Certainly not I,” Eggers said. “So you’re making a formal request to be promoted to senior associate?”

“Karla was kind enough to do that for me,” Herbie said.

“But you do want it, don’t you?”

“Of course, Bill. I think I could be more useful to the firm in that position. And not having to slave away for Karla or another partner would give me time to make some rain around here.”

“You think you could do that?” Eggers asked.

“Let’s find out. My guess is that Marshall Brennan might be disposed to giving us some new business, and I’d like to handle it.”

“What else do you want, Herbert?”

“A substantial raise, a real office with a window, my own secretary, and a full-time associate to do everything I don’t want to do myself.”

“Is that all?”

“For the time being.”

“And what will you do if I don’t give it to you?”

Herbie took a deep breath and prepared to threaten to resign, but he stopped himself. “I think this is in the firm’s best interests, Bill, and you always do what’s in the firm’s best interests.”

“Nobody’s ever made senior associate around here in under three years,” Eggers said.

Herbie observed that Eggers had not fired him yet, and he pressed his luck just a bit. “I’ve heard that,” he said, “and I think this might give a lot of the associates new hope-even make them work harder.”

Eggers pressed a button on his phone.

“Yes, Mr. Eggers?” Jane asked.

“Come in, please.”

“We moved George Howard to a bigger office yesterday, didn’t we?”

“Yessir.”

“Give his old office to Herbert, and find him a decent secretary. Herbert is our newest senior associate. Send out the memo, and send a release to the papers and the law journals.”

“Yessir.”

“And who is our newest, greenest, most forlorn associate?”

Jane squinted at the ceiling for a moment. “That would be young Bobby Bentley,” she said.

“Tell him he works for Herbert now.”

“Yessir. Anything else?”

“Yes, type up a memo to payroll for my signature, giving Herbert a fifteen percent raise.”

Herbie made a loud coughing noise.

“All right, twenty-five percent.”

“Yessir!” Jane sped back to her desk.

Eggers looked at Herbie. “Why are you still here?”

“Thank you, Bill.” Herbie tried to leave without appearing to hurry.

Dino woke from a sound sleep with the sudden knowledge that his penis was in someone’s mouth, and that long, red hair was tickling his belly. He stuffed an extra pillow behind his head and watched, with growing excitement that ended in a veritable explosion. “Oh, God,” he moaned.

Shelley Bach moved up the bed to share his pillow. “Well,” she said, “I do know what you like.”

“I can’t deny that,” Dino said. He took a deep breath and said what he had to say. “Shelley, you can’t be here-it’s too dangerous for both of us.”