Блейк Пирс - Once Cold

“Good work,” Bill said to Riley. He was grinning broadly.

“Yeah, you saved my life, Agent Paige,” Lucy said, laughing. “I can’t believe I let myself get shot, though. I missed that guy when he was right in front of me!”

“That’s part of what this system is for,” Bill told Lucy, patting her on the back. “Even very experienced agents tend to miss their targets at close range, within ten feet. VR helps you deal with those kinds of problems.”

Lucy said, “Well, there’s nothing like taking a virtual bullet in the shoulder to teach you that lesson.” She rubbed her shoulder, where the equipment had delivered a slight sting to let her know she was hit.

“It’s better than a real one,” Riley said. “Anyway, I wish you a speedy recovery.”

“Thanks!” Lucy said, laughing again. “I’m feeling better already.”

Riley holstered the model pistol and picked up the fake assault rifle. She remembered the sharp recoil that she’d felt firing both weapons. And the nonexistent abandoned building had been detailed and vivid.

Even so, Riley felt strangely empty and unsatisfied.

But that certainly wasn’t the fault of either Bill or Lucy. And she was grateful that they’d taken some time this morning to join her in this exercise.

“Thanks for agreeing to do this with me,” she said. “I guess I needed to blow off some steam.”

“Feel better?” Lucy asked.

“Yeah,” Riley said.

It wasn’t true, but she figured a little lie wouldn’t hurt.

“How about the three of us go get a cup of coffee?” Bill asked.

“Sounds great!” Lucy said.

Riley shook her head.

“Not today, thanks. Some other time. You two go ahead.”

Bill and Lucy left the huge VR room. For a moment, Riley wondered whether maybe she should go with them after all.

No, I’d be lousy company, she thought.

Ryan’s words kept echoing through her mind …

“Riley, Jilly was your decision.”

Ryan really had some nerve, turning his back on poor Jilly.

But Riley wasn’t angry now. Instead, she felt achingly sad.

But why?

Slowly she realized …

None of it’s real.

My whole life, everything’s fake.

Her hopes for becoming a family again with Ryan and the kids had just been an illusion.

Just like this damned simulation.

She fell to her knees and started to sob.

It took a few minutes for Riley to pull herself together. Grateful that no one had spotted her collapse, she got to her feet and headed back to her office. As soon as she stepped inside, her desk phone started ringing.

She knew who was calling.

She was expecting it.

And she knew that the conversation wasn’t going to be easy.

“Hello, Riley,” a woman’s voice said when Riley picked up the phone.

It was a sweet voice – quavering and feeble with age, but friendly.

“Hello, Paula,” Riley said. “How are you?”

The caller sighed.

“Well, you know – today’s always hard.”

Riley understood. Paula’s daughter, Tilda, had been killed on this day twenty-five years ago.

“I hope you don’t mind my calling,” Paula said.

“Of course not, Paula,” Riley assured her.

After all, Riley had initiated their rather peculiar relationship years ago. Riley had never actually worked on the case that included Tilda’s murder. She had gotten in touch with the victim’s mother long after the case had gone cold.

This annual call between them had been a ritual for years.

Riley still found it strange, having these conversations with someone she’d never met. She didn’t even know what Paula looked like. She knew that Paula was sixty-eight now. She had been forty-three, just three years older than Riley, when her daughter was murdered. Riley imagined her as a kindly, gray-haired, grandmotherly figure.

“How is Justin?” Riley asked.

Riley had talked to Paula’s husband a couple of times, but had never gotten to know him.

Paula sighed again.

“He passed away last summer.”

“I’m sorry,” Riley said. “How did it happen?”

“It was sudden, completely out of the blue. It was an aneurysm – or maybe a heart attack. They offered to do an autopsy to determine which it was. I said, ‘Why bother?’ It wasn’t going to bring him back.”

Riley felt terrible for the woman. She knew that Tilda had been her only daughter. The loss of her husband couldn’t be easy.

“How are you coping?” Riley asked.

“One day at a time,” Paula said. “It’s lonely here now.”

There was a note of almost unbearable sadness in her voice, as if she felt ready to join her husband in death.

Riley found such loneliness hard to imagine. She felt a burst of gratitude to have caring people in her life – April, Gabriela, and now Jilly. Riley had endured fears of losing all of them. April had been seriously endangered more than once.

And of course, there were wonderful old friends, like Bill. He had also faced more than his share of risks.

I won’t ever take them for granted, she thought.

“And how about you, dear?” Paula asked.

Maybe that was why Riley felt as though she could talk with Paula about things that she couldn’t with most people.

“Well, I’m in the process of adopting a thirteen-year-old girl. That’s been an adventure. Oh, and Ryan came back for a while. Then he took off again. Another sweet young thing caught his eye.”

“How awful for you!” Paula said. “I was lucky with Justin. He never strayed. And I suppose in the long run he was lucky too. He went quickly, no lingering pain or suffering. I hope when my time comes …”

Paula’s voice trailed off.

Riley shuddered.

Paula had lost a daughter to a killer who had never been brought to justice.

Riley had also lost someone to a killer who was never found.

She spoke slowly.

“Paula … I still have flashbacks about it. Nightmares too.”

Paula replied in a kindly, caring voice.

“I don’t suppose that’s surprising. You were little. And you were there when it happened. I was spared what you went through.”

That word spared startled Riley.

It didn’t seem to her that Paula had been spared in any way.

True, Paula hadn’t been forced to watch her daughter die.

But surely losing one’s only child was even worse than what Riley had suffered.

Paula’s capacity for selfless empathy always astonished Riley.

Paula kept on speaking in a soothing voice.

“Grief never goes away, I don’t suppose. Maybe we shouldn’t want it to. What would we become if I forgot Justin or you forgot your mother? I don’t ever want to become that hard. As long as I still hurt and grieve, I feel human … and alive. It’s a part of who we both are, Riley.”

Riley blinked back a tear.

As always, Paula was telling her exactly what she needed to hear.

But as always, it wasn’t easy.

Paula continued, “And look at what you’ve done with your life – protecting others, pursuing justice. Your loss has helped make you who you are – a champion, a good and caring person.”

A single sob broke out of Riley’s throat.

“Oh, Paula. I wish things didn’t have to be like this – for either of us. I wish I could have – ”

Paula interrupted.

“Riley, we talk about this every year. My daughter’s killer will never be brought to justice. It’s nobody’s fault, and I don’t blame anybody. Least of all you. It was never your case to begin with. It’s not your responsibility. Everybody else did the best they could. The best thing you can do is just talk to me. And that makes my life ever so much better.”