Stuart MacBride - 45% Hangover

Logan shuffled as far up the bed as he could. Which wasn’t far with the handcuff fastening his right leg to the frame. ‘Politicians lie, Alec. It’s what they do. Not exactly a shocker, is it?’

‘We could have been free...’

‘I know it’s disappointing, but it’s the way it is. This is what democracy looks like. You just have to accept it, put it behind you, and move on.’

He turned and stared out of the window. ‘Why should we? Why shouldn’t we arm ourselves and take back our country? Referendum didn’t work. It’s time for revolution.’

Steel grabbed a pillow and battered it off Alec’s head. ‘Don’t be so sodding wet.’

‘Don’t—’

‘Unlock these handcuffs, now .’

‘You’ll arrest me.’

She looked at Logan. Then at Alec, eyebrows up. ‘Of course we’ll sodding arrest you! What did you think was going to happen? You abduct two police officers, you strip them, and you chain them to the bloody bed, did you think we’d bake you a cake?’

Logan held up his other hand. ‘OK, OK, let’s all calm down. No one’s starting a revolution, and no one’s arresting anyone.’ He pointed at the handcuffs around his ankle. ‘Alec, can you unlock them, please? They’re cutting off circulation to my foot.’

‘I don’t understand why everything went wrong.’ He dropped the paper on the bed. Ran a hand through his long brown hair. ‘I didn’t want any of this. I just wanted...’ His bottom lip trembled. ‘I didn’t mean to hit you. I just... I panicked. I didn’t...’

Steel rolled her eyes. ‘Oh in the name of the wee man. Don’t be such a big girl’s blouse.’ She shook her fist, making the handcuffs rattle against the brass bars of the headboard. ‘Unlock these things and we’ll talk about maybe getting you into a nice low-security prison.’

Alec licked his lips. Opened his mouth...

Whatever he was about to say, it was stopped by the sound of a doorbell somewhere on a lower floor.

Alec stood. ‘I have to go.’

‘Unlock these sodding handcuffs!’

But Alec didn’t. Instead he stood. Chucked the paper onto the duvet. ‘In case you get bored.’ Then he grabbed Logan’s side of the bed and dragged the thing back into the middle of the room. ‘Don’t move it again. You’re scratching the floorboards.’ He turned and marched out, closing the door behind him. The thump was followed by the click of a key turning in its lock.

Logan thumped back into his pillow. Then winced as the lumps on the back of his head got squished. ‘Oh very clever. That was a spectacular bit of hostage negotiation, that was.’

‘Kiss my—’

‘You don’t threaten the person you’re negotiating with! Yeah, let us free so we can arrest you.’

‘Of course we’re going to arrest him.’

‘You don’t have to tell him that!’

‘Close your eyes.’ She grabbed his hand again, then slipped out from beneath the duvet. There was grunting, creaking, and swearing again as the bed moved. But they weren’t going towards the wardrobe this time, they were going in the direction the bed was pointing.

‘What are you doing?’

‘I said no sodding looking!’

‘I’m not looking.’

More grunts. More creaks. More swearing. Then clunk .

Then the mattress springs twanged as Steel climbed back on the bed. ‘Keep them closed!’

‘Then tell me what the hell’s going on.’

‘Looking out the window... Down there. Can just see past a bit of roof, there’s a car parked at the kerb.’

‘Thrilling.’

‘Shut up. Want to see who’s visiting.’

‘Open the window and shout for help.’

‘Hold on...’ Thump. Bang. A growling noise. Then, ‘Open you wee sod...’ More straining noises. ‘Gah. It’s locked. We... It’s Rennie! And DC Stone. You wee dancers!’ She banged on the window. ‘BUGGERLUGS, UP HERE! HOY! UP HERE! LOOK UP YOU PAIR OF MORONS!’

‘What are they doing?’

‘NO! DON’T GO BACK TO THE CAR! WE’RE UP HERE! HOY! RENNIE YOU SODDING IDIOT!’

Silence.

‘What?’

A long, rattling sigh, and then Steel collapsed back on the bed beside him. ‘They drove off.’

‘Oh, that’s just brilliant .’

‘We’re going to be stuck here for ever, aren’t we?’

Logan stared up at the ceiling as Steel climbed under the duvet again. ‘How could they just drive off?’

‘Because they’re idiots.’ She groaned. Covered her face with her free hand. ‘No’ that this situation isn’t dramatic enough, but it’s about to get worse.’

‘What now?’

‘I need a pee.’

Breath whooshed out of him. ‘You are not peeing the bed.’

‘I’m peeing in, or on, something, whether you like it or not.’

‘Well... pee in the wardrobe then. Or better yet: tie a knot in it. You don’t...’

She frowned at him. ‘How am I supposed to “tie a knot” in it? Have you no idea how a woman’s body—’

‘Shhh...’

Logan stared at the door.

Click .

It swung open, and there was Alec Hadden back again. With a length of chain in one hand and a padlock in the other. His mouth tightened and his eyes widened. ‘What did I tell you about moving the bed? You’ve scratched the hell out of the floor! Look at it. LOOK AT IT!’

‘Think it’s bad now?’ Steel sniffed. ‘Wait till I pee on it.’

He dropped the chain and the padlock. ‘You horrible... How...’ He clenched a fist. Took a deep breath. Nodded. ‘I see. What we have here is a lack of respect.’ Alec unbuckled his belt.

Steel stuck her chin out. ‘If you think you’re putting your dick anywhere near me, you’ve got another think coming!’

He pulled his belt from his trousers. Curled one hand around the buckle, and wrapped the leather around his fist a couple of times, leaving the end dangling. ‘I didn’t want to do this. You made me.’

‘You sodding dare !’

Logan held his hand up again. ‘Come on, we all need to calm down here. This isn’t going to solve anything. We...’

Alec lunged, swinging the belt overarm at Steel, teeth bared.

She dodged to the side, grabbed the belt and yanked him towards her. Then slammed her forehead into his face.

There was a wet crunch and he went sprawling across the bed. Steel was up on her knees, everything airing in the breeze — pale, swinging, and wobbling — as she hammered her fist down into Alec’s head. Once. Twice. Three times. He struggled up, and she mashed her fist into the bloody mess of his nose.

Thunk .

Alec wobbled. Rocked. Then his eyes crossed and he slid backwards off the bed. Thump onto the floor. Lying spread-eagled on the scarred floorboards. Not moving.

Steel let out a shuddery breath. ‘God, now I really need to pee.’

‘So search him again.’ Steel pulled the duvet up beneath her chin. Her free hand was swollen and curled, the skin darkening from red to purple. Probably broke something.

Logan heaved Alec over onto his back again. It was cumbersome and awkward, but nothing compared with the effort of hauling him up onto the bed in the first place. ‘It’s not here.’

‘Then where the hell is it?’

‘I don’t know, do I? Maybe he didn’t keep the handcuff key on him? They’re not his handcuffs, they’re ours. Maybe he doesn’t even know what the handcuff key looks like?’

‘Oh this is just great. Thank you very much.’

‘How is this my fault? You’re the one who battered him.’

‘What was I supposed to do?’

Lying on the bed, Alec groaned. His face was a mess — swollen and bloodied, a couple of teeth missing. Most of his nose wasn’t where it was supposed to be any more.