Stuart MacBride - A Dark So Deadly

‘Got it in one. And when they pumped his stomach, out came magic mushrooms. Lots of them.’

No wonder the pepper spray didn’t work. Could have dumped him in a bath of the stuff and he still wouldn’t have felt it.

‘There were other things in there too, leaves and flowers, so they’ve sent it all off for testing.’

‘Just like Ben Harrington.’ Callum massaged his temple, wincing as it pulled at the scratch marks. ‘So much for Glen and Brett ganging up on him.’

‘Might still be down to Glen Carmichael. He gets the other two stoned, eggs them on to eat more mushrooms than they can handle, then...’ Her forehead creased. ‘Still doesn’t explain the herbs. Unless they thought they could get high from them too?’ Then a couple of blinks and she snatched the phone back to her ear. ‘Sorry, Sarge, I was checking on DC MacGregor... Yes, Sarge... I appreciate that, Sarge, but—... Sorry.’

A young man in creased blue scrubs hauled the curtain back and joined them in the treatment area. Making it crowded. He cleared his throat and glared at Franklin. ‘No mobile phones.’

She stuck two fingers up to him and wandered out into the corridor again. ‘Yes, Sarge... Thank you, Sarge.’

‘Honestly, some people think the rules apply to everybody but them, don’t they?’ He checked a clipboard. ‘Now: Callum MacGregor?’

A nod.

‘Right, I’m afraid we’ve got a bit of a problem with your ear.’

Of course they did.

‘You see, our cosmetic surgery department were going to try and reattach the bit that was... well, bit off. Unfortunate turn of phrase there, sorry. Only a wee girl’s come in with third-degree burns. She tipped a boiling kettle all over herself. She’s four.’

Callum slumped back against the wall. ‘She going to be OK?’

‘We hope so, they’re taking her into surgery now. But she’s going to need a lot of skin grafts. So...?’

He covered his face with his hands. ‘You can’t fix my ear.’

‘I’m sorry, Mr MacGregor, but the little girl...’

‘Yeah. I know. She needs it more than I do.’

‘But I can stitch up the wound and give you some antibiotics and painkillers. Have you had a tetanus shot in the last ten years? Oh, and we’ll need to take some bloods to test for Hepatitis and HIV.’

And to think, this morning a visit to Professional Standards was the worst thing that could happen.

Franklin kept sneaking glances at him across the car.

He frowned back at her. ‘What?’

‘Nothing.’

The road in front was a long line of vehicles, slowly crawling along in a stop-start-stop-again line. Traffic going the other way was doing the same. Giving everyone time to enjoy the rain.

‘How’s the ear?’

‘Sore. How’s the head?’

She shrugged. ‘I dodged the tower unit, it was the keyboard that got me.’

Then they listened to the windscreen wipers for a bit, until Callum reached out and clicked on the radio. ‘Should be about time for the news. Unless you mind?’

‘No.’

Something bland and unthreatening filled the car, the beat just far enough out of time with the wipers’ week-wonk to be annoying.

‘I can switch it off if you like?’

‘Nah, it’s OK.’

She was looking at him again.

‘Look, there’s obviously something, so—’

‘Why didn’t they send you home?’

His fingers drifted up to the wodge of bandage covering his poor tattered ear. At least it didn’t hurt. Not right now anyway. Amazing what a wee injection of local anaesthetic could do. ‘Going to be nearly six before we get there at this rate.’

The song on the radio dribbled to an end. ‘Wasn’t that spectonkular? You, my friend, are listening to Crrrrrrrrrrrrrrazy Colin’s Rush-Hour Drive-Time Club , right here on Castlewave FM, and we’re counting down the days to Tartantula! Oh yes indeedy-doody.’

Franklin curled her top lip. ‘Why do they always have to be wankers?’

‘Going to be windup o’clock in fifteen minutes, but first here’s Gorgeous Gabby with the Naughty News!’

‘I think they grow them in special septic tanks.’

‘Thanks, Colin. Police Scotland refused to comment on claims that a new serial killer is operating in Oldcastle, following the discovery of three mummified bodies yesterday—’

‘Three?’

Callum let his head fall back against the rest. ‘Didn’t anyone tell you? Oldcastle Division leaks like a chocolate condom. At least it wasn’t anyone on the team — we all know how many mummies we’ve got.’

‘—appeal for calm. A house fire in Logansferry this morning was probably arson, according to Fire Brigade sources. A mother of four was rushed to hospital suffering from smoke inhalation—’

‘Unless whoever leaked said there were three mummies instead of two, so no one would think the informant was on the team?’

‘You’re very cynical, Detective Constable Franklin.’

‘—announcing road closures for this week’s Tartantula Music Festival. Diversions will be in place from Friday lunchtime, add in all the planned roadworks south of the river on Saturday and we can expect significant delays.’

In Dante’s Divine Comedy , Hell was divided into nine circles, each devoted to punishing a particular group of sinners. But up here, in the land of the living, it was roadworks and rush hour.

‘And speaking of the festival, we managed to track down Oldcastle’s very own Leo McVey earlier and asked him about Sunday’s grand finale performance of his 1980s concept album, Open the Coffins .’

Franklin turned up the radio and a dark warm voice gravelled out of the speakers. ‘Yeah, it’s going to be great. I mean we’ve got some great acts joining us on stage: Lucy’s Drowning, Mister Bones, Halfhead, Closed for Refurbishment, Catnip Jane, Donny Sick Dawg McRoberts, and loads of others, you know? Great.’

The car crawled forward.

Callum puffed out his cheeks. ‘It’ll pick up a bit when we get onto the dual carriageway.’

‘And we’re not just doing highlights, right? We’re doing the whole album, start to finish.’

Let’s face it, the traffic couldn’t get any slower.

A line of tail-lights, glowing like the fires of hell, flaring in the falling rain.

‘The public’s reaction’s been great. It’s kinda humbling that they still love it after all these years. And I’m loving strutting about like King of the Jungle again. Makes me wish I’d come out of retirement years ago.’ A laugh, black as treacle.

Franklin smiled. ‘I loved Open the Coffins . We listened to it non-stop when I was at university. Drove the woman downstairs mad...’

‘And all the money’s going to charity, right? Which is great. Everyone’s giving up their time and their talent to raise money for Alzheimer’s research, cos of Ray, you know?’

‘Haven’t heard it for ages.’

‘—a terrible shame. I mean the book’s genius, yeah? My kids loved it, my grandkids love it, I still love it. Open the Coffins : best children’s book ever written, that’s what I think.’

‘Leo McVey there. And you can catch him this Sunday at Tartantula, but tickets are going fast, with all proceeds—’

She turned and frowned across the car at him. ‘You didn’t answer the question: why didn’t they send you home?’

‘—diagnosed with Alzheimer’s last year. Weather now, and it looks like we’re stuck with this rain till—’

He clicked the radio off again. ‘What’s the point of going home early? Won’t bring my ear back.’