Janwillem De Wetering - The Rattle-Rat

"Cattle plague," Ary was saying. "Why doesn't anybody ever tell me anything? So there'll be a lot more trading today. And we never prepared."

"Another serious mistake," Fritz said. 'Today is the day, not next Friday. And we haven't dressed for our parts."

"The successful know how to control a given situation," Ary was saying. "I say the hell with caution. We'll do it today. This is our luck, let's grab it."

De Gier was gone. Where were the colleagues? Everybody around wore linen coats and caps and were minding their business. De Gier ran outside.

Eldor Janssen was herding trucks that tried to squeeze through the wrong gate. Eldor wouldn't give way. The trucks backed up.

"Eldor," de Gier shouted, "they'll be doing it today, this Ary and this Fritz."

"Can't be," Eldor said. "I spotted them too, just now. We have their photographs up in our cube. Today they're sup- posed to be scouting, and they'll be back next week and then we'll take care of them."

•Today," de Gier said. "Because of the vast volume of trading that's going on. There's more loot to be grabbed. Where is your command post?"

"Aren't they clever fellows?" Eldor asked. "All the cars that belong to the Arrest Team are parked in the rear, where they can't get out. I've been directing trucks that way."

"Get the trucks out. Find me your chief."

Eldor said, "The command post is next to the bar. The chief constable is in charge. He's a nobleman, you'll recognize him at once. He's so straight that he leans backward."

"Now look at that," de Gier said, pointing at Ary and Fritz, who were buying dustcoats at a stall. "They're about ready."

"Sergeant," the chief constable said. "Not today. Out of the question. Please. Do go away."

"Should I talk to the suspects?" de Gier asked. 'Tell them to go home and try again next week? When you're ready?"

"This is only an exercise," the chief constable said. 'The communications gear hasn't even been connected."

The commander of the Arrest Team reported.

"You too?" the chief constable asked. "Not today, that's final. We'll do a good job or we'll do nothing at all."

"My cars are blocked," the commander said. "I have no idea what car the suspects will be using, or which way out they're expected to take. I need an open range so that I can use fully automatic fire."

"War tactics?" the chief constable asked. "Here? In my city?"

"Wherever you like," the commander said. "I don't care where I direct my fire. I'll blow suspects to smithereens in any location you will be good enough to suggest. Violence will be used."

"No violence," the chief constable said. "Violence is to be prevented at all costs."

"So why call us in?" the commander asked.

"Listen here, colleague," the chief constable said. "The suspects will commit their armed robbery and subsequently escape, according to our plan. We know what they look like, and they'll be arrested later on."

"WhatV the commander said. "No, sir, they'll be liquidated with minimal delay."

"All of this still has to be looked into somewhat," the chief constable said.

"Sir?" de Gier said. "The suspects are walking over there. Two dangerous and armed criminals. They've just picked up their weapons from their car. The robbery"-de Gier raised his hand slowly-"will begin… about… now."

"That's all very well," the chief constable said, "but this is not the right time at all. Peak hour. Here we are, hampered by cows milling about, and the streets are clogged with daddies driving to work and mommies walking the kids to school."

"So what?" the commander asked. "We'll barrel right through any obstruction. That's the way we're trained. Whap, another bicycle flattened, kerblam, another car on its side. All our arms will be aimed at the escapees and our engines will growl with uncontained fierce energy. In cold blood my men will handle their supermodern equipment."

"This is not really the way I'd been visualizing proceedings," the chief constable said.

"Should I follow the suspects a little?" de Gier asked.

"If only I could warn someone," the chief constable said.

Ary and Fritz drank coffee in the bar. De Gier was at the next table, one ear freed from his exuberant curls.

"This coat is too large for me," Fritz said, "and the clogs are too small. Did I become a successful gangster to clobber about on clogs?"

"This cap is oversized," Ary said. "It keeps tipping into my eyes. It'll be hard to see what I'm doing."

"Why didn't we know earlier?" Fritz asked. "I know just the right atelier that supplies wigs, mustaches, anything. Good thing we brought our guns."

"Our clients are getting sozzled," Ary said. "Shall we have one for the road?"

"Just one," Fritz said.

The waitress brought them Frisian jenever.

"This isn't nice," Ary said. "It reminds me of my Mary's tea. Would it be some health drink?"

"It'll stop your cough," Fritz said. "Okay, here's the plan. Money doesn't change hands in the hall below, I've noticed that. Bills are settled up here. You can see it for yourself. Look down there, over to the right. See the two farmers slapping each other's hands? The one rustic keeps walking away and the other doesn't stay close either, but they keep meeting once in a while."

"Crazy show," Ary said. "Now they're both complaining to their cows. As if the silly beasts care about what prices they'll be fetching."

"It's all for entertainment," Ary said. "At this stage it is. Now. Right. They slapped for the third time. Third time counts. Now one has to collect money, and he'll be doing it here. Once most of them have come into this bar, we'll start our action. There are only two doors. You take one and I'll cover the other. Guns at the ready. The first shot will be a blank, just to show them what's what. Bit of a bang. You're with me so far? Then we move in and grab their purses table by table?"

"The purses are attached to their necks."

"We'll yank them off. Purses into our bags. As soon as the bags are filled we'll be on our way. Into the car and gone."

Fritz looked about him. "Still too few customers in here. Maybe we can use another herbal beverage for our health. Miss?"

"Here's how," Ary said. "How," said Fritz. "We Indians are winning."

De Gier walked through the hall. The chief constable ran by. "Sir?" de Gier said.

"Not now," the chief constable said. "Try someone else. Any man with a red necktie is a cop," The chief constable jogged off.

A red necktie came by. "Hello?" de Gier said. "Anyone in charge here on this lower level?"

"In charge?" the man in the red necktie asked. He draped his arm around de Gier's shoulders. "I bought the sexiest cow, spent my last penny. I'm so tired, but I'm exuberantly content."

De Gier stared at him.

The man repeated his statement in Frisian.

"I don't speak your language yet," de Gier said, "but I can read it somewhat. I've been reading about a lady called Martha who detests all her men. I'm really after the chief cop in the hall now. Would you mind pointing him out?"

"I left my chief at home," the man in the red necktie said. "And later today I'll be going to Amsterdam. To hire a better-looking chief, but she won't be as attractive as my cow."

De Gier ran off. The chief constable had found the commander of the Arrest Team. Both men were shaking their fists. "It can start any minute now," de Gier said.

"I say grab them here," the commander said.

"Without using your guns?" the chief constable asked.

"What's the matter with you?" the commander asked. "You want suspects to be shooting at my men? They're trained to attack, they can't defend themselves."

"Why don't you have your men shoot suspects beyond the city limits?" de Gier asked.

"Who is this character?" the commander asked the chief constable.