Stuart Woods: Son of Stone

“How about stealing a billion dollars and running?” Herbie asked. “Is that a good enough cause?”

Stone thought about it. “Well, it wasn’t your billion dollars, was it? I’m not sure if stealing somebody else’s billion dollars is grounds for divorce.”

“It’s gotta be,” Herbie said. “I mean, if she had stuck up a liquor store and had gone to prison for it, wouldn’t that be grounds?”

“Yes, I suppose so, but, Herbie, if you want the quick way out of this, it’s to just sign the papers, and it will soon be over.”

“I’m not having it said in the papers that I committed adultery.”

“All right, how about this? I’ll draw up a petition for divorce claiming that she’s the adulterer. You can sue her, instead of the other way around.”

“I like that better,” Herbie said.

“Wait a minute, she’s still on the Pacific island, isn’t she?”

“As far as I know.”

“Then it would be very difficult to serve her with the papers. Let me call her lawyer and see if we can work out something.”

“Stone, what about the division of property?”

“Well, you’re both entitled to equitable division of your assets, but you were only married for a couple of months before she left, the property you each owned before the marriage is exempt, and neither of you would have had time to accumulate much in the way of assets during the marriage.”

“How about the billion dollars she stole? That was accumulated during the marriage, so isn’t it a marital asset?”

“Well, now I’m stumped, Herbie. I think there would be a lot of problems with that. First of all, she’s obviously put the money out of reach of the government or anybody else, so even if we won the case, you’d never be able to seize the assets.”

“Maybe not, but it would be fun to win it.”

“It would be an expensive process, Herbie.”

“I still have a big credit with you, don’t I?”

“It would be throwing good money after bad.”

“But satisfying.”

“Herbie, let me talk to her attorney and see what we can work out. I’ll get back to you after Christmas.”

“Why after Christmas? How long could it take?”

“People have a way of disappearing from their offices around the holidays, and I’ve got houseguests on my hands. You met one of them this morning.”

“Well, okay.”

“I’ll speak to you after New Year’s.”

“Wait a minute, you said after Christmas.”

“Nobody’s back in the office until after New Year’s. It’s just a fact of life, Herbie. Bye-bye and Merry Christmas,” Stone said cheerfully, then hung up before he got a response.

Joan was leaning against the doorjamb, laughing.

“Oh, shut up,” Stone said.

“And Merry Christmas to you, too!” she said, and went back to her office.

S tone and Peter arrived at Elaine’s slightly before Dino and Ben, so they had a good view of the boys as they entered.

Ben was dressed in black leather jeans and a jacket and a black T-shirt. What appeared to Stone to be some sort of satanic symbol hung from a chain around the boy’s neck. Like his father, Ben was of slight stature, but wiry. Introductions were made, and the boys shook hands solemnly, if not warily. They all sat down.

Ben gazed across the table at Peter’s tweed jacket and necktie. “You always dress like that?” he asked. “Or just when trying to impress adults?”

“Most of the time,” Peter replied, glancing at a menu. “The girls seem to like it.”

Stone and Dino exchanged a glance and rolled their eyes.

“I’m staying out of this,” Dino said.

“As am I,” Stone replied.

Peter nodded at the metallic object on the chain around Ben’s neck. “Isn’t that the Egyptian symbol for sexual impotence? Why are you advertising?”

Ben laughed in spite of himself. “He’s cool,” he said to Stone.

Stone and Dino stopped laughing long enough to order booze for themselves and sodas for the boys. Ben and Peter launched into a comparison of their schools and the girls available at each. They agreed that there was a dearth of such companionship, just as their respective headmasters had intended.

“I’m getting out in June,” Ben said.

“So am I,” Peter replied.

“What are your plans, college?”

“Not yet,” Peter said. “I have a plan, though.”

“Something you don’t want them to know about?” Ben asked, nodding at Stone and Dino.

“Pretty much.”

“Come with me,” Ben said. He got up and went to the bar, carrying his soda, and Peter followed. They entered into an intense conversation.

“Maybe this was a good idea,” Dino said.

“I think it was,” Stone said. He told Dino about their afternoon and the meeting with Leo Goldman, Jr.

“So the kid’s graduating from high school at sixteen? And I thought Ben’s getting out at eighteen was pretty good.”

“It is, Dino.”

“Trouble is, I don’t know if he’s mature enough to handle college. I’d like him to do something else for a year, but he’s not ready to be shipped off to Europe, either. What’s Peter going to do?”

“I haven’t the faintest idea,” Stone said, “but I think he’s telling Ben right now. Maybe he’ll get around to telling me later.”

“Where’s Arrington?”

“In the hospital.”

“Not the cancer thing again, I hope.”

“She doesn’t seem to be sure; they’re running tests. She’s supposed to call me tomorrow.”

“She looked fine a year ago in L.A.”

“She sure did. Peter thinks she’s just tired. She’s been building her new house in Virginia, and that’s hard work, even if you’re not wielding a hammer.”

“I guess.”

The two boys returned to the table and looked at the menu. “What’s osso buco?” Peter asked.

“Try it; you won’t be sorry.”

“Whatever you say, Stone.”

Ben spoke up. “It’s an animal leg with sauce. I’ll have it, too, Pop.”

“How many times I have to tell you,” Dino said, “don’t call me ‘Pop.’ ”

“What’s the matter with that?” Stone asked.

“It’s what I called my old man.”

“Oh, okay.” He looked at Ben and shrugged.

Their food arrived and dinner continued with two different conversations going on: one between Stone and Dino, the other between the two boys, who seemed to be speaking in code.

“You want a date tomorrow night?” Ben asked Peter, suddenly breaking into English. “My girl’s got a hot friend.”

“Sure,” Peter said.

“We’d better wait until we hear from your mother tomorrow,” Stone said. “She may have plans for us.”

“Okay,” Peter said. “Can I call you tomorrow, Ben?”

“Yeah, sure. I’m staying at the old man’s.”

“Don’t call me ‘the old man’ either,” Dino said.

“I’m running out of names,” Ben said. “How about Pater?”

“Not unless you want a fat lip.”

“How about ‘hey you’?”

“That’s better than Pater, but still not good enough for you to get money out of me for a date tomorrow night.”

“Gee, Dad, thanks! I didn’t know you knew I was broke.”

“You’re always broke,” Dino said.

“Can I have the car?”

“Take the subway; you can’t afford to park, and I’m not having my car towed.”

“Awright, awright, Dad.”

Stone spoke up. “And you might remember that neither of you is of drinking age.”

On the way home in the cab Peter talked excitedly about Ben. “He’s really a great guy, in spite of the bluster.”

“I’m glad to hear it. Actually, he’s a lot like Dino.”

“I guess he would be, wouldn’t he?”