Ken Bruen - Ammunition

‘Sergeant Brant, is this really the smart thing. They’ll know it’s you, I mean, let’s talk this through.’

He was pleased with his calm tone, the matter-of-fact voice he assumed, and then he had a brilliant idea. He knew precisely what to say to stop the maniac.

The first shot went right through, exiting his left eye and the second, a little lower, lodged in the bone of his nose. Rodney and his brilliant idea slumped forward in the chair, blood adding to the already ruined silk pyjamas.

The smell of cordite nearly wiped the aroma of cognac, but with fifty-year-old stuff, it’s hard to quite erase that kind of quality.

The killer used a small Swiss army knife to dislodge the bullet from the bookcase, he considered rooting around in Rodney’s face, retrieving that one. he was whistling “Dixie” as he contemplated his work, then thought the hell with the second bullet. Did he really want to get in the guy’s face?

He was still smiling at his pun as he let himself out.

John Coleman, the Happy Slapper, still couldn’t quite believe the turns and twists his life had taken over the past few weeks. He’d been walking along, his mind preoccupied by minor irritations. Oh God, what he wouldn’t give to have them back.

Then fuck, like hell opened up and Armageddon hit him.

The lady cop, scratch that, the bitch cop, had appeared out of nowhere, literally jumping on him and claiming he’d been one of those wankers who slapped people and then photographed it to send to their friends. Next thing, he was being charged and looked like he’d be doing jail time.

For what?

Then, just as he had abandoned all hope, an unlikely saviour appeared, Angie, a blond stunner who said she’d fix everything and mainly…fix the cops. Turned out, she had history with Falls, the bitch cop, and even better, had leverage. Plus, well, sort of, he got to fuck Angie a lot. Now he wasn’t stupid, he knew there was something off about Angie, she had this cold look sometimes, put freaking shivers down your spine but what…

Like he had a choice?

He was along for the ride… till…

Till, as Angie said, Falls withdrew the charges. Oh yeah, Angie banging on about how they’d make a mint on suing the police for false arrest, harassment, undue emotional trauma, and a whole slew of other stuff.

Yeah, right.

Soon as Falls relented, he was so out of all this, bye bye Angie. And man, was he ever going to keep a low profile from then on. He was sitting in the kitchen of his tiny flat, drinking tea, and longing for the day when all this crap was done. Angie would be by later, and he wished he could work up some energy for that. First, she’d want bed, then the mad schemes would begin. His doorbell rang and he sighed, she was here earlier than he’d anticipated. Maybe he’d say he’d a headache.

Like that would work.

Opened the door to a tall man, dressed in a very expensive suit, and… get this, with a huge smile. Coleman let all his frustration leak over his voice, asking:

‘I know you?’

Let a little hard dribble in there too, so the guy would know, this was not the day to be fucking with him. The guy’s smile widened and he said:

‘No, but you’re going to.’

With that, he punched Coleman in the gut, hard, and pushed him back into the flat, closed the door, Coleman was doubled up and the guy looked at him, walloped him twice across the face, said:

‘That’s to get the smirk off you.’

The man strode on in, asking:

‘Where’s the kettle, I’d kill for a cuppa?’

Coleman managed to mutter:

‘I’m going to call the police.’

The man, without even looking back, said:

‘I am the police.’

He’d found the kettle, was plugging it in, asked:

‘Get you something or you good?’

Coleman chanced a glance at the door and the man said:

‘Bad idea, I’d have to break one of your legs and you wouldn’t like that, oh no, not one bit. Do you have any bread, a cuppa is not the same without a nice slice of toast.’

By the time the man had fixed his tea and toast, and settled himself into an armchair, Coleman had recovered enough to walk in, stand by the table, keeping that between him and this… lunatic.

The man, midbite, said:

‘You know the song, clowns to the left of me, clowns to the right of me?’

The fuck was he on about?

Before Coleman could reply, if there was one to this, the man said:

‘Well, sonny, in your case, it’s cops, all over your unlucky arse.’

He reached in his pocket, and Coleman was convinced he was going to shoot him.

Instead he pulled out an envelope, slapped it on the table, said:

‘Your going-away money.’

Coleman, hating himself, echoed in an almost childish voice:

‘I’m going away?’

The man smiled, delighted, said:

‘See, you catch on fast. You take a nice six-month vacation, get away from all this lousy weather, and when you come back it will all be over. You can go back to your shitty, boring life.’

The contempt in the man’s voice gave Coleman a false sense of courage, and he snapped:

‘What if I don’t?’

The man wiped some crumbs off his suit, said:

‘Don’t you hate when that happens?’

Then he abruptly stood up, said:

‘If you don’t, forty kinds of hell will descend on you.’

As he headed for the door, he suddenly turned and Coleman instinctively ducked. The man laughed, asked:

‘How much time do you think you’d serve for the stash under your mattress?’

Coleman was confused, further, asked:

‘You mean like… heroin?’

The man had the door open, said:

‘No, I mean, under your mattress.’

Colemanfollowed him out into the corridor, in spite of himself, went:

‘I don’t do that stuff.’

‘Bet you a fiver you’ll look, though. Gotta run, good people out there needing our protection. Don’t bother writing, you just kick back, relax.’

When Coleman went back inside, he was trembling and his stomach hurt. He swore he wouldn’t look under the mattress.

That lasted for tops, four minutes, he pulled the blankets, tore the mattress off, no heroin but a single sheet of paper, that read:

Had you going…

Falls was drinking, seriously. She’d sworn so many times she’d keep a lid on it, rein it in.

Yada yada.

I mean, c’mon, the whole Happy-Snapper gig, threatening her whole career, that snake Lane, not backing her up, and McDonald eating his gun.

Fuck.

Who wouldn’t drink?

And then, having to go to Brant… again… and making the pact with the devil. When she’d asked:

‘What are you going to do about the Happy Snapper?’

He’d given a satanic smile and asked:

‘You really want to know?’

Guess not.

As she’d been leaving, he said:

‘Think… biblical.’

That was the whole point, she didn’t want to… think, at all. Thus, the vodka, Stoli went down like a prayer, albeit a brief one. It was nine in the evening, she was dressed in her old Snoopy nightshirt, it was old and comfortable, she was on her second… third? drink, with a mixer of bitter lemon, low cal, of course, like that made a fat bit of difference. Bitter it certainly was. Tupac was on the speakers, with ‘Thugs Get Lonely Too.’

Christ, that sang to her.

The doorbell went and she figured… Brant, with results, she gulped another swig, get in gear for… whatever.

Opened the door to Angie.

Dressed to kill?

Short black leather skirt, black tight T-shirt, black tights, with a sheen, or was it the vodka? And a suede jacket over her shoulders. She was carrying a bag, said:

‘Goodies.’