Steve Hamilton: Ice Run

“A little suspense is good for him,” I said. “It keeps him young.”

“I’m going to my mother’s house,” Vinnie said. “I’ll see you tomorrow.”

“I’ll plow your driveway. Drive carefully.”

We brushed our windshields off and then we were on our way, Vinnie to the reservation in Brimley, and me back up to the cabins. If you ever come to Paradise, Michigan, you just go through the one blinking red light in the middle of town, then north along the shore about a mile until you get to an old logging road. Hang that left and you’ll pass Vinnie’s place first, and then you’ll find my place. My father bought the land back in the 1960s, and built six cabins. I live in the first cabin, the one I helped him build myself, back when I was an eighteen-year-old hotshot on my way to single-A ball in Sarasota. At the time, I never thought I’d be back up here for more than a visit. I certainly wouldn’t have imagined living up here. Not this place, the loneliest place I’d ever seen. But all these years later, after all that had happened, here I was.

I put the plow down and pushed the new snow off as I went. It felt as light as talcum powder. I drove by Vinnie’s place and then mine, and kept going. The second cabin was a quarter mile down the road. There was a minivan parked in front, with a trailer carrying two snowmobiles hitched behind it. A family, a man and his wife and two sons. I’d given them the chance to cancel, but they’d said they’d come up no matter what. Even with no snow, they looked forward to the trip every year. Now it looked like they might get some riding in after all.

Another quarter mile and I got to the third cabin. It was dark. Another quarter mile and then the fourth and fifth cabins together. They were dark, too.

One more quarter mile. The last cabin my father had built. His masterpiece. Until somebody burned it down. The walls were about half rebuilt now, a great blue tarp covering the whole thing, propped up in the middle to keep the snow off. Rising above it all was the chimney my father had built stone by stone.

I stopped and got out of the truck, made sure that the tarp was sealed tight. The wind died down and the pine trees stopped swaying. I took a long breath of the cold air and then got back in the truck. I plowed my way back to my cabin.

I went in and listened to the weather report on the radio. More snow was coming. A lot more. They didn’t even try to guess the number of inches. That’s always a bad sign.

God damn it all, I thought. I’m going to Canada tomorrow. I don’t care if we get three feet. I’ll plow again in the morning, and then I’m going.

I went into the bathroom and looked in the mirror. I ran a hand through my hair, then picked up the package and read the directions one more time.

“I can’t believe I’m doing this,” I said out loud.

I looked in the mirror again. Then I put on the plastic gloves and went to work.

The phone rang. I took the gloves off and wiped my hands on the towel. I picked it up on the third ring, looking at the clock. It was almost one o’clock in the morning.

“Alex,” she said. With that voice. It still hit me in the gut, every time. She was Canadian, so she had that little rise at the end of each sentence. That singsong quality, almost melodic, but at the same time it was a voice that meant business. It had some darkness in it, a smoker’s voice without the smoke.

“Hey, it’s late,” I said. “Are you all right?”

“Yes, but I was just listening to the weather.”

“A little snow. No problem.”

“A little snow, eh? They’re talking like twenty-four inches. What are they saying down there?”

“They’re not saying. You never know with the lake. It could be less than that. Or more.”

“I don’t think you’re coming out here tomorrow.”

I thought about what to say. There was a distant humming on the line. “I think I can still make it.”

“Don’t be a dope,” she said. “You’ll kill yourself.”

Out of a hundred different feelings I can have in one minute when I’m talking to her, one feeling in particular came into focus now. It was not the first time I’d felt it, this little nagging doubt, that maybe I wanted something out of all of this. Something real. And that maybe she had woken up that morning not wanting anything at all.

And then the thing that always came right after that. The certain realization that I was being a complete ass.

“Besides,” she said. “Don’t you have people staying in your cabins? If it’s snowing all day, don’t you have to stick around to plow them out?”

“I’ve got one family,” I said. “The rest of the cabins are empty.”

“Okay, but even so. That one family will need you around, won’t they?”

I closed my eyes and rubbed the bridge of my nose. “If there’s a lot of snow falling, yeah. I can’t be away for too long.”

“So maybe it’s time to try out your idea.”

I opened my eyes. “What’s that?”

“You know, about me coming to your place.”

“Here?” I looked around the cabin. This was my idea? To have her come here?

“Yeah, why not? I’ve got four-wheel drive. And I’ve never even been there yet. You always come out here. I’m starting to feel guilty.”

One single bed. The old couch, sagging in the middle. Two rough wooden tables. This sad wreck of a place, after fifteen years of living all by myself. This is what she’d see. My God.

“I don’t know,” I said. “This cabin-”

“You don’t want me to see your bachelor pad?”

“I’m not sure I’d call it that.”

“Yeah, I don’t think anyone says that anymore. Bachelor pad, that was from the seventies, right?”

The seventies, I thought. Back when I was playing ball, and being a cop. And you were… God, were you in grade school then?

“Alex, are you still there?”

“Yeah, yeah, I’m just thinking. I don’t want you driving all this way tomorrow if the weather’s gonna be bad.”

“It was just an idea. Okay?”

Think, Alex. Think.

“Hey, I know,” I said. “Why don’t we do something special?”

“Special like what?”

“Like I’ll meet you somewhere.”

“I thought you had to stay there.”

“We could meet in the Soo,” I said. “That’ll keep me close enough to home.”

“Soo Michigan?”

“There’s a great hotel right on the river.”

“A hotel?”

“It’s called the Ojibway,” I said. “You ever been there?”

“No,” she said. “Never.”

“They’ve got great food. And it’s just… I mean, it’s been there forever. It’s the only fancy place in town.”

“You want us to stay there?”

“I’m just saying…” You’re blowing it, Alex. It’s all gonna fall apart, right here.

“This is a nice place? In Soo Michigan?”

A little jab there, I thought. Sault Ste. Marie, Michigan, is so much smaller than its sister city across the river. Soo Canada has more of everything.

“It’s a classy hotel,” I said. “I’d really like to see you, okay? It’s been a few days, and I wouldn’t mind spending some time with you.”

She didn’t say anything for a long moment. There was the faint hum on the line and nothing else.

“Yeah, why not?” she said. “It sounds nice.”

That’s how it happened. That hesitation, that long silence while she thought about it, I figured that was just natural. Just part of the dance, the getting to know someone new.

Of course it wasn’t that at all. It was something else entirely. But I didn’t know her well enough yet. I didn’t know the way she was, the way she has been for most of her life. The way she had to be. Above all, I didn’t know the one most important thing about her- that she never, ever hesitated that long about anything. Not unless it was something big.