Alan Russell - Burning Man

“There’s a story you need to hear.”

I had no right to be doing what I was doing, but I did it anyway. It was the only way Inez was ever going to have a normal life.

“I know you called to give me information about the newborn that was named Rose found at the Angel’s Flight landing.”

Tears filled her eyes and she nodded.

“Yesterday I got back the coroner’s report with the results from Rose’s autopsy. The coroner originally thought she died of suffocation, but as it turned out, Rose was born with a heart defect. I don’t know all the fancy medical terms, but the doctor said that Rose had a congenital condition that couldn’t have been treated. He told me that even had Rose been born in a hospital with all the best neonatal facilities, she would have died by morning.”

The permafrost that was Inez’s face began to thaw. Something resembling relief, or at least something short of complete despair, showed in her features.

“She would have died?”

“Nothing could have prevented that.”

“But she didn’t get the right vitamins, or the right care. If she had…”

“Even if she’d had the best prenatal care in the world, she would have died. That’s what the doctor told me.”

Her eyes took in mine. She made my glance a lifeline, and I had to support the burdens weighing so heavily on her. I didn’t blink.

“Yes?” she begged.

“Yes,” I said.

“She was so beautiful.”

My coffee and toast arrived, and the two of us stopped talking for a minute.

“Jail won’t be so bad now,” she said.

I surprised myself by saying, “I am not going to arrest you.”

Inez shook her head. That didn’t sound right, even to her. “I should be punished for what I did.”

“Normally you would be, but Rose’s heart condition changed things.”

Inez started to silently cry. I handed her some napkins. We didn’t talk for a few minutes while she tried to control her emotions. Our server came over to make sure everything was all right, and I nodded to thank her for her concern, and with my eyes tell her the situation was under control.

“I didn’t know I was pregnant until a few weeks ago,” she said. “I’ve always been heavy. When I realized what was happening to me, I kept thinking it wasn’t possible. You see, there was only the one time.”

I nodded, encouraging her to keep talking.

“I couldn’t tell my family. The shame would have killed them. And I didn’t know what to do, or who to talk to. I did a lot of praying. I kept hoping my problem would just somehow disappear.”

She reached for another napkin and wiped away some more tears.

“I didn’t know I could turn in the baby like the paper said you could. I thought if I gave the baby up, I’d have to answer all kinds of questions.”

For once, I hadn’t come to ask questions. I was there to listen and occasionally nod.

“I even thought about becoming a nun,” she said. “It made sense at the time.”

Inez dabbed her eyes. The tears weren’t falling as fast anymore. “When I left her there, I made sure she was warm. I thought it was a good spot for her to be found quickly. And I always liked the name of that spot: Angels Flight.”

A glimmer of a smile appeared on her face.

“Do I need to go with you?” she asked. “Will I have to talk to other people?”

I shook my head. “But I do need you to promise me something. You can never talk about this with anyone else.”

Her eyebrows furrowed. “Why?”

“Even though Rose died of natural causes, you abandoned her, and that’s against the law. I don’t want to have to arrest you, and the DA doesn’t want to have to prosecute you, because it’s a case we can’t win. It would be easier for us if you just said nothing. Do you think you can do that?”

Inez nodded.

The waitress came to the table with the check and asked if we needed anything else. I told her we didn’t, then handed her a Jackson and said no change was needed.

“So, what do I do now?” Inez asked.

When Father Pat had baptized me for the first time and hadn’t known if I would live, he’d offered to my ears only his Whispered Verse of Assurance. Not all priests include such a verse in their ceremonies. When the baptized child is old enough, the verse is revealed. It’s supposed to be a biblical verse that’s easy to memorize, and one that reassures. Father Pat hadn’t known I would live. Maybe that’s why he’d chosen Proverbs 23:18 for me. I passed on his words to this girl that was so in need of them.

I reached for a package of sweetener, emptied it on my plate and in small lettering wrote down the following on the paper: “Proverbs 23:18.”

“That’s your psalm now,” I said. “It was given to me once, and now I am giving it to you. Remember these words always: ‘Surely there is a future, and your hope will not be cut off.’”

I said the same words to her that Father Pat had whispered in my ears when I was a newborn. Then I handed her the paper where I’d noted the psalm number and walked away.

It was a warm, sunny day when the three of us took a drive to the Garden of Angels. For most of the drive, Sirius kept his head out the window. Lisbet thought it was funny the way the wind sometimes blew his lips back, and Sirius seemed to be happy to accommodate her laughter.

Right after I met with Inez Vargas, I told Lisbet everything that had happened. Everyone needs a confessor. And in her arms she absolved me of my cop sins of omission. We talked about Rose and justice, and I told Lisbet I wanted to get a memorial brick for her.

“What do you want your brick to say?” she asked.

“I’m not sure,” I told her. “I’ve been trying to think of some poetic line involving a Rose, but nothing seems right.”

“It will come to you,” she promised.

For a few days we went back and forth before I settled on a quote from The Little Prince . Because of his Rose, the Little Prince had gone on a great journey. The Little Prince said his Rose had “cast her fragrance and radiance over me.” My Rose had done the same, and I was better off for her. Rose had brought many unexpected blessings into my life. That doesn’t happen with most homicides.

Lisbet and I made our way to the brick memorial. Sirius stayed in the car. He needed a nap from all his wind wrestling.

In my hands was another brick for the collection. Maybe the band Pink Floyd was wrong. Maybe this wouldn’t be just another brick in the wall. Maybe one day soon there wouldn’t be any need for more bricks in this garden.

Lisbet prepared the spot for me; I played the mason, working the brick into its place in the ground. There was no attribution on the brick, just Antoine de Saint-Exupery’s words: “The Stars are beautiful, because of a flower that cannot be seen.”

We stood there silently for a minute until I said, “Ready to go?”

“Are you?” Lisbet asked.

I nodded, and she offered her hand, and together we found our way out.

Finally, I called the number. For days I had been holding on to it, deliberating the pros and cons of making contact. It was late when I called, well after midnight, but he was expecting my call.

“Dr. Livingstone, I presume?”

“If the DOC catches you with a phone, they’ll throw you in the hole.”

“After our conversation, this phone will be in a thousand pieces.”

“Too bad you couldn’t be in a thousand pieces.”

“Is that any way to thank me for your gifts?”

During my stay in the hospital, Sirius and I had received a number of presents. The chief had sent me a fruit basket and Sirius a bone. Central Community Police Station sent us a dozen doughnuts. No one ever said cop humor was a good thing. There were plants and flowers and lots of get-well cards.