J. Bertrand - Nothing to Hide

“My understanding,” he says, “is that your partner was actually killed with your side arm, Detective March. Is that correct?”

“It was my backup. They took my weapons. That’s why I went after them.”

“With an automatic weapon.”

“I didn’t know it was full-auto. I’d seen it earlier in the gun safe, so that’s where I went. I had to load it first or I would have been quicker.” I glance at the cuts on my finger from pushing the rounds into the magazine.

“You didn’t call for assistance.”

“It all happened so fast.”

The ADA interrupts. “This is not good. Did you have to shoot him so many times?”

“I pulled the trigger once. I wasn’t expecting to empty the clip. Like I said, it happened real fast. If it’s any consolation, he was on his feet with a gun in his hand. The ballistics will confirm that, too. I didn’t shoot him once he was on the ground.” Which is more than he had in mind for Jerry -

“That’s it,” Bascombe says. “I think we’re done for now, unless you guys need anything more.” He glances back to the homicide detectives, who shake their heads. “Fine. We’ll do this for real once everybody’s had a chance to process.”

But the IAD investigator isn’t finished. “One more thing, Detective. I know a lot of people are going to applaud your actions here. I’m sure you’ll get a few pats on the back for this. Whatever you were feeling at the moment, though, seeing your partner there on the ground, there’s such a thing as overkill. If you’re expecting us to rubber-stamp this, you’ve got another thing coming. That was your weapon used to kill Detective Lorenz. And if what you did to that shooter isn’t excessive force, then I don’t know what is.”

He waits for an answer but nothing comes. I don’t have it in me to fight. All I can give him is a shrug and a shake of the head. It was my weapon. It was excessive force, at least in the sense that seeing your partner shot up in front of you is excessive. Seeing one of the assailants drive away without injury is excessive, too.

Bascombe chases the others out of the chapel, turning at the door to face me. He claps his hands on my arms a couple of times, like he’s trying to impart his own strength to my sagging frame.

“Stay strong,” he says. “We’ll get through this.”

“There’s something I need to tell you.”

“It can wait.”

“I didn’t say anything to the first responders. And I wasn’t going to bring it up in front of those jackals just now.”

His eyes narrow. “All right. What is it?”

“I did get a look at the second suspect, the one who got away. He took his mask off in the car. As he drove past, ours eyes locked.”

“And?”

“I can’t swear to this,” I say. “He was behind a tinted window. But remember the photo we got from Bea Kuykendahl? In that file on Brandon Ford?”

“Yeah, I remember.”

“Well, that’s who it looked like to me.”

When you’re put on administrative leave, they tell you it’s for your own good. You’ve been through something traumatic. It takes time to recover.

Don’t worry about the job. Just focus on you.

But none of this is true.

The last thing I need is this. Time to reflect. Time to replay what happened over and over in my head. Time to dream it’s still in progress. Time to wake up in a cold sweat, my hands tensing as if I’m still firing the gun.

It’s not for you. It’s for them. So they don’t have to see you. So they don’t have to think of something comforting to say. In grief you’re like the sun to them. In disgrace they cannot bear to look at you full on. So they tuck you away somewhere out of sight, telling themselves that one problem at least can be solved, if only for now.

At home I lock all the doors and switch off the ringers on all the phones.

I go to the stereo with a stack of CDs and a half-formed intention of choosing something appropriate to the moment, music to feed the rage in me, or alternately to quench it. The discs end up strewn in a half circle, their liners unfolded. Portishead first, quite depressing, but it’s too sterile and electronic. Too artificial. So I play Tom Waits full blast for two minutes until the gates of hell open up under me. Then I switch it off and pull the plug from the wall.

Upstairs, I run the shower on cold until my whole body shivers and convulses. I stick my face under the spigot and imagine the water blasting it away like porous stone.

I can’t do nothing.

I won’t do nothing.

Dressing in jeans and a black pullover and a pair of steel-toed Red Wings, I grab the gym bag from the closet safe and dump its contents on the bed. Two high-caps loaded with Speer Gold Dot hollow points slip into the spare mag holder, which clips to my belt. The holstered Browning, loaded with another high-cap, tucks inside the waistband behind my right hip, my shirt hanging over the butt. In front of the mirror I check to make sure the rig doesn’t print, then I draw the gun, punching my arm forward, making sure my hand doesn’t shake.

Outside, it’s dark already, the night thick with cicadas and the smell of citronella and steaks grilling on the other side of the neighbor’s fence. In the back of my head, a thumping, cauterizing wail. Maybe from the album or from my roughed-up soul.

I don’t know where to find Bea Kuykendahl now. She won’t be at her office, and I doubt she’ll be at her suburban country biker bar, either. If she’s heard about Lorenz, maybe she’ll be expecting me. Maybe she’ll make herself scarce. I will find her no matter what and I will make her reveal the truth.

A man’s life is at stake, she said.

She’ll eat those words.

I wrench open the car door and drop behind the wheel. The sharp edge of the Browning’s cocked-and-locked hammer digs at my side. The spare mags on my left do likewise, and when I try to adjust them-there it is. The pain I’ve been fighting since the fall. The blade goes in deep and starts twisting. It saws back and forth in my vertebrae, slices down the back of my left thigh. Whatever I do to ease the pain only makes it sharper. I try climbing out of the car only to end up frozen in a crouch, the small of my back hollowed out.

Whimpering, I stagger inside, making it up the stairs on fingers and toes. I unsnap the holster and pull the Browning out of my belt. I strip off the spare mags and leave them on the floor. On the bed, I inch my way up, straining my arm toward Charlotte’s nightstand where her old prescription sleeping pills are kept. I swallow two of them dry, feeling the capsules scrape down my throat.

I roll over onto my back, wincing with every minute adjustment. The overhead fan is still. The room feels close and warm. Somewhere nearby I hear a faint sniffling, a soft wet gasping sound like a kicked and broken dog might make. Somewhere nearby, maybe even in this room. Maybe even on this bed.

The IAD man was right about one thing. People I don’t know, mainly in dress uniforms, go out of their way to clasp my elbow, to pat my back, to whisper encouragement. They do it on the sly, and not just because of the funeral. We live in different times, when even if you reach the end zone, spiking the ball is no longer done. But the consensus is unmistakable. The man with the skull ring got what was coming to him.

“I wish they would stop,” Charlotte whispers.

She’s a vision in black, clinging to my right arm like at any moment she might have to hold me up single-handed. I stare at her until she frowns. She’s only a few hours off the plane and already back on duty. A cop’s wife. Bridger called her in England and she cut her trip short. I never would have asked her to, but I’m not complaining. I’ve been floating, all my ballast poured out on the ground. Now there’s someone here to grab my ankle and pull me back.