Chris Grabenstein - Tilt-a-Whirl

Yeah. I'd say so.

“Later, when I found the photographs-”

“He took photographs?” Jane is incredulous.

“Yes. Indeed. Of him and Ashley having intercourse. Ashley was four or five at the time….”

“Four, Mommy. My birthday, remember?”

“Hush, honey. Mommy's talking. Yes. That's right. It was right after the party with all her little friends … I suppose the event aroused Reginald….”

Ashley bows her head and stares at her hands.

“Why didn't you alert the proper authorities?” Jane asks.

Betty Bell stares at her like she's the silliest woman on earth.

“And whom might these proper authorities be? Someone Reginald did not already own? Some judge? Some police officer beyond his financial reach?”

“Yes, ma'am.”

“Oh, grow up. Reggie knows people. The kind who burn down buildings. Who kill people. No. I could not alert anybody. I could, however, negotiate a deal. He and I would divorce and, if he wanted … certain visitation privileges….”

Holy shit. She pimped her daughter.

“… well, those would cost extra. Maybe a beach house and butler? A trip to Paris? If we wanted to ski in Vail? Why, Reggie could purchase an extra weekend with Ashley. And the will. I was insistent about his will. Ashley must receive everything he owned. Reginald agreed. It was only fair.” She pats her daughter on the knee. “We were looking out for her future.”

“Thank you, Mommy.”

“Who am I?”

“You are my guardian angel.”

The two sunny blondes beam at each other on the bed.

“If you and Mr. Hart had it all worked out,” Ceepak says, “why'd you need to kill him?”

“Now that was not my fault. No, sir. You can blame that little matter on that bitch with the briefcase. She was the one-encouraging Reggie to re-write his will. Been nagging him about it for months. ‘Oh, certainly,’ she told him, ‘leave your daughter something. But not everything. ' As if a few million dollars would be adequate compensation. No. We couldn't let Ms. Stone do that to us. We simply could not.”

“So you had Ashley shoot him.”

“That's right.”

Ashley tugs her mother's sleeve.

“Can we tell them how we did it, Mommy?”

“Of course, sweetheart. We're all in this together.”

She looks at me this time.

“Aren't we, Danny?”

It dawns on me: I was another part of the chief's plan. I was the one who'd make sure Ceepak was always where they needed him to be.

“Yeah,” I say. “I guess so.”

We're all in this shit together pretty damn deep.

“Did you actually believe Reginald Hart would be caught dead sitting in the Tilt-A-Whirl at a cheap seaside amusement park?” Betty says. “Oh. I guess he was. He was caught dead.”

They giggle like sisters sharing a secret joke.

“That's funny, Mommy.”

Betty loves having an audience hanging on her every word, even if those words are, basically, a murder confession.

“The two of them didn't go there because Reggie liked bending the rules! Or because Ashley had a turtle named Stinky!”

“Stinky!” Ashley giggles some more. “That's such a silly name for a turtle!”

“The whole Tilt-A-Whirl scenario was preposterous! But Chief Cosgrove knew the comings and goings of certain vagrants who frequented the spot and would provide us with a convenient scapegoat. Someone for Officer Ceepak to go shoot, thereby curtailing any investigation that might eventually lead to us.”

“Mr. Ceepak?” Ashley's eyes look so innocent staring at her hero. “I'm sorry I lied to you.”

“You did not lie!” Betty says sweetly. “Officer Ceepak simply chose to believe what you told him.” She winks at him. “Bob told me you had a soft spot for children-especially children in any sort of danger.”

Ceepak turns to Ashley.

“Tell me what happened that morning at the Tilt-A-Whirl.”

“Can I, Mommy?”

“Yes dear. They need to know so they can help us keep it secret.”

“Okay.” Ashley smoothes out her pants like I've seen her mother smooth out a skirt. “I told Daddy that the Tilt-A-Whirl was where all the really cool kids went nowadays to make out. I told him I wouldn't do any of the stuff he wanted me to do, not in the beach house, anyway. Not with Ms. Stone staying in the guest cottage and all.”

“Then what?”

“Let's see. We had to get up real, real early Saturday morning because we had to do everything before the beach got crowded and while you two were still eating pancakes. Ms. Stone dropped us off and we ran around to the beach and snuck in under the fence. I had my beach bag….”

The bag we found with the cartoon monkey on it.

“… ‘cause that's where I had the gun. Uncle Bob got it for me.”

“Chief Robert Cosgrove is Uncle Bob?” Ceepak asks.

“Yes. He and Mommy are dating….”

“Ashley, sweetie, that's not correct. I've told you: We're simply two adults who enjoy each other's company.”

“Anyway,” Ashley moves on, “Mommy was late.”

“Only a few minutes.”

“She was supposed to pick up the gun from the little tunnel under the fence right after seven….”

“But I had to be at the bank at seven … the time we scheduled for the actual shooting.”

“Then she needed a ciggy-boo.”

“Ashley?”

“You did!”

“Dear. Please.”

“Sorry.”

“Are you finished?”

“Yes, Mommy.”

“I can tell my story?”

“I'm sorry.”

Betty beams at us.

“Suffice it to say-I missed my cue … ever so slightly….”

And dropped your ciggy-boo butt on the beach.

“ But I got there, didn't I, sweetheart?”

“Yes, Mommy.”

“It was my job to take the gun. If Ashley had a pistol tucked in her panties, why even you might have figured something was awry. Where are my cigarettes now, honey?”

“In the other room?”

“Be a sweetie. Fetch them for Mommy.”

Ashley stands up. Ceepak motions for her to sit back down.

“Later.”

“I'd really like a cigarette….”

“Just finish walking us through it.”

“Fine.” She sighs. Smiles. She can flip a scowl into “say cheese” faster than anybody I've ever met.

“Ashley climbed over the chain-link fence at the entrance- something we practiced at the playground-ran up Ocean Avenue, and put on the performance of her life!”

“I'm a very good actress, aren't I?”

Ceepak nods. “One of the best I've ever seen.”

“And this was way harder than Our Town! I had like so much stuff to memorize….”

“Ashley? Why don't you give them a brief encore?”

Ashley stands up, takes a deep breath.

“My fa … fa … fa … ther! He killed my father! The crazy man. The crazy man!”

“She's good, isn't she? All right, dear. Sit back down. Thank you. You, of course, can see why she won the drama competition at her school two years running!”

“You know what my favorite part was?” Ashley says, looking right at me. “The free fudge at Pudgy's!”

Mom shoots her a look.

“Fudge? No wonder you're so fat. Have you seen how big her bottom has become? Anyway, where were we? Oh, yes-Bob picked Ashley up in his chief's car and reminded her what Squeegee looked like. Showed her some photographs we had taken of the man….”

“Later, I forgot about the beard,” Ashley says. “About what kind it was. Uncle Bob helped me!”

“So did I. When I brought you down to the beach house….”

Ceepak's had enough of the Betty Bell show. He wants to change the channel.