Chris Grabenstein: Ring Toss

“No. Unless they specifically ask me about it.”

Then he’ll tell them the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth because, so help him, God, Ceepak is a lot like George Washington with an axe in one hand and a slice of cherry pie in the other: He cannot tell a lie.

“Billy’s been down here a couple times.”

“Last night?”

“Yeah. After the thing with the crowbar. I was scared. I called the girl in the office and she came up with flashlight and all but couldn’t catch my sisters or their husbands in the act. This was like three A.M.”

“Go on.”

“Well, after she left, I still couldn’t sleep, so I texted Billy. He was down here in like ten seconds flat.”

“Were you wearing the diamond during your intimate encounter last night?”

“What?”

Ceepak sort of blushes. So I jump in. “Did you keep the ring on when, you know, you took everything else off?”

“That’s none of your freaking business.”

“Yes, ma’am, it is,” says Ceepak. “We need to establish when your ring might have been off your finger in order to pinpoint when it might have been stolen.

Connie looks down at the floor. “It pulled out Billy’s hair.”

“Come again?”

“The Galuppi. When I ran my hands through Billy’s hair when, you know, we were kissing and stuff, it got snagged. When I yanked it out, it ripped out a huge clump of hair.”

“So you took it off?”

“Yeah. Billy told me to.”

“Did you store it in the drawer?”

“I can’t remember. I was kind of caught up in the moment, you know?”

“Yes, ma’am.”

“I might’ve just tossed it on the top of the table. Yes. I remember, later, when, you know, Billy was…when we were…it was kind of taking forever….”

Ceepak nods to let her know he doesn’t need the graphic details on that part of the show.

“I guess I got a little bored and looked over to admire the ring cause it was right there on top of the table, sitting in front of the lamp, which has all those pretty seashells in the glass bottom there, and the moonlight was streaming through the crack in the curtains, I swear it was like I was looking at a jewelry ad in Modern Bride magazine.”

“And then Billy left?”

“I’m not sure. I fell asleep first.”

“But he had to head back to his room,” I toss in. “Before your parents woke up.”

“I guess. Yeah. He was gone when I woke up.”

Ceepak strokes his chin. Thinks. “Did you put the ring back on, first thing this morning?”

“Gosh,” says Connie. “Wow. I can’t remember. Guess I was still kind of sleepy. I put on my bathing suit, went down to the pool, did a couple laps. Went to the office for some coffee and one of those powdered doughnut holes they put out. A box from the grocery store. Very cheap buffet. They really shouldn’t call it a breakfast bar.”

“What happened next?”

“After the doughnut hole, I went back to the pool. Let one of the nieces paint my toenails. Read my Bride magazine some more.”

“When did you notice the ring wasn’t on your finger?”

“When my sister, Jackie came out to the pool with her kids. The boys were eating Doritos for breakfast, can you believe it? Doritos and Fanta Orange because it’s sort of like orange juice. Anyway, Jackie says, ‘So where are the Galuppi family jewels this morning?’ I look at my finger, see nothing but a white circle, nearly have a heart attack. I look up at the second floor. I see a maid pushing her cart right past my room and Donna’s husband Tommy lugging an ice chest down the staircase. The blonde girl from the office is carrying towels and junk up on the balcony. I see Billy come out of his room, yawning and stuff. Everybody is going about their totally normal business which makes me freak out! I say, ‘Oh my gawd, oh my gawd,’ kick away the niece working on my nails, almost slip on the stairs running up them in my bare feet, run to my room and….”

Her eyes widen.

“My door was ajar. It was open!”

“Had you locked it when you left?”

“I don’t know! I can’t remember. I had to go downstairs to get coffee because this hotel is so chintzy there’s no coffee makers in the room and Billy had brought a couple beers with him when he dropped by at 4 a.m. so I was kind of muzzy-headed this morning, you know what I mean?”

I can relate. One time, after a night of highly competitive beer pong, I left my apartment wearing one sneaker, one sandal, and one sock.

“I looked everywhere for the ring. I swear. The bedside table, the drawer, the dresser, on top of the TV. I even crawled under the bed!”

“And this was what time?” asks Ceepak.

“About an hour ago. I ran outside and started screaming, ‘Call 9-1-1, call 9-1-1.’”

Which, obviously, somebody did.

“So,” says Ceepak, “the ring went missing sometime between four A.M. when your fiancée requested that you remove it and eleven A.M. when you realized it was missing. A seven hour window. Tell me, does Billy have a key to your room?”

Connie nods. “They gave me two when I checked in. Don’t tell my parents. Please?”

“I will not volunteer any unsolicited information. Danny?”

“Yeah?”

“We need to talk to Billy.”

We sure do. Billy may not have enjoyed being upstaged by his mother-in-law to-be in the diamond department. Maybe he took the Galuppi diamond with him when he made his early morning escape so the engagement ring he gave his future wife wouldn’t look so ridiculously tiny for the rest of their married life. Either that, or he needed to finance his upcoming honeymoon.

There’s a small bar out back of the Mussel Beach motel. It’s actually a blue wedding tent attached to a shed where Becca’s dad keeps the booze. I remember Becca and I snuck in one winter when we were fourteen and played Piña Colada with the blenders.

It’s noon and the cranky bartender (Becca’s cousin Bernie) is serving beer to his only customer. Billy. He’s sitting in an aluminum patio chair with blue and white vinyl straps.

“Sir?” says Ceepak.

“Yeah?”

“We need to ask you a few questions.”

Billy gestures to the empty chairs circling his table. “It’s a free country, dudes.”

Ceepak and I sit.

“You guys need a drink?” asks bartender Bernie from inside the serving hut, which is like a double-wide garden shed.

“No thank you,” says Ceepak.

“Danny?”

“I’m good.” Hey, even my code says you don’t drink when you’re on the job; especially if the job includes carrying a loaded sidearm.

“Billy,” says Ceepak, “we know you were with Ms. DePinna last night.”

“Really?” He gets this cocky look on his face. “Which one?”

“Connie,” I say. “Your fiancée.”

Now he winks at me. “We ain’t married yet, bro.”

“Meaning what?” asks Ceepak.

“Meaning I may be engaged but I’m not dead!” He wheezes up a laugh. “Her sisters are pretty hot, too. So’s that chick at the front desk. Becky.”

“Becca,” I say.

“Friend of yours?”

“Yes,” says Ceepak.

“You should tell her to, you know, put some cucumbers on her eyes or something. Dude — she looks like she hasn’t slept in a week.”

Probably because she hasn’t.

Ceepak cuts to the chase. “When you snuck out of Ms. DePinna’s bedroom this morning at four A.M., did you take her diamond ring with you?”

“What? No way. I gave it to her.”

“We mean the other one,” I say.

“Oh. Right. Nah. I don’t wear much jewelry. Just the one ear ring.”

“You are aware, of course, of the diamond’s value?” says Ceepak.

“Sure I am. I bought it.”