Chris Grabenstein - Rolling Thunder

Rita Lapczynski once rescued a seagull with a broken wing from the middle of the road. She nursed it back to health and then set it free. Next, she and Ceepak rescued an old dog named Barkley who had been abandoned on the beach by a family that didn’t like the stink of his farts anymore. Today, the Ceepak menagerie adds its first feline. I, of course, was the first stray human they took in. Rita’s forever inviting me over for Sunday dinner or a cookout because my parents moved to Arizona (“it’s a dry heat”) as soon as my dad retired from the post office.

“Can I come visit him?” asks Skippy.

“Sure,” says Rita who is holding the cat very close to Ceepak so he can pet it.

Ceepak does. Then he sneezes.

“My mom and I were the only ones in the family who loved Gizmo.”

“You two were close, weren’t you? You and your mom?” Rita says, oozing so much empathy, I wish she were my mom.

“Yeah.”

“Well, you can come visit anytime you want.”

“Thanks. Officer Ceepak?”

“Yes?” He sneezes again.

“You know why my mom had that heart attack yesterday?”

“Well, Skip, we suspect she had some sort of preexisting heart condition.”

“Exactly. It was broken.” Now he whispers. “By that bastard upstairs.”

That “momma’s boy” stuff Crazy Mary kept yabbering about on the roller coaster yesterday doesn’t seem so crazy today.

I mean, I love my mom, but I wouldn’t clip her toenails for her. I suspect Skippy might.

The Ceepaks and I postpone our golf date.

They need to go buy a litter box. And cat chow. And fur mice. Maybe a little catnip, too.

In the parking lot, I ask Ceepak what he thinks Skippy meant by that crack about his dad breaking his mother’s heart.

“Not knowing, can’t say,” says Ceepak.

“It could be anything,” says Rita, who never studied psychology but did work as a waitress for a dozen years, which makes her a pretty good judge of human nature. “He might have been mean to her about the cat. He may have helped estrange their sons. He may not have given her the time and attention she thought she deserved as his life partner.”

Ceepak and I are both nodding. Like I said, Rita’s good.

“And,” she says with a heavy sigh, “he may have been cheating on her with another, most likely younger, woman.”

Yeah. That’d break your heart after you had five kids together.

Ceepak sneezes again.

Rita is letting him hold the cat. She’ll drive. I’m thinking they better stop off at the drug store and pick up a couple cartons of Claritin.

“See you tomorrow, partner,” Ceepak says in between a set of double nose blows.

I’m definitely bringing a box of Kleenex to work tomorrow and doing all the driving.

Ceepak closes his eyes when he sneezes.

The week rolls on.

Ceepak and I both work Memorial Day Monday. Big crowds on the boardwalk. The ocean’s too cold to go swimming, except for a few assorted Polar Bears, who always seem to be burly guys with forests of curly black hair on their backs. Sea Haven is running its annual Kite Festival on Oak Beach. Ken Erb is there in all his glory, showing off his new hand-painted silk Indonesian bird kite. It’s twelve feet tall and sort of reminds me of one of the scary winged creatures from Harry Potter.

Tuesday, we write a couple speeding tickets. Help a kid with a flat tire on his bike.

Wednesday, Ceepak and I are off the duty roster, so Sam takes a day off from studying. We do the beach. I skimboard on the slick sand, she reads Silent Counsel , a legal thriller. Later, we head to the Sand Bar and scarf down clams on the half shell, clams casino, some shrimp jammers (shrimp stuffed with cheddar and deep fried), mozzarella sticks, and a bucket of beers. Then we go to my place and, well, do nothing because we’re both too stuffed.

Thursday, Ceepak and I work the night shift.

We’re cruising Shore Drive near Spruce Street. We’re almost to the end of tree-named streets, about to enter the stretch of the island where the Sea Haven Street Naming Commission basically gave up and started using numbers instead of fish (further north) or picking up with second-tier trees, maybe Althorn, Bladdernut, and Chinaberry, for starters.

Ceepak and I are discussing the relative merits of the Philadelphia Phillies and the New York Mets and their chances of breaking our hearts again this summer, when, all of a sudden, this hot little sports car comes zipping around the corner of Tangerine Street and, tires squealing, roars down Shore Drive at fifty miles per hour.

The speed limit is fifteen.

“Lights and siren,” I say, since I’m behind the wheel.

“Roger that,” says Ceepak in the passenger seat. He flips the switches.

I stomp on the gas, take the shuddering Crown Vic straight up to eighty to close the gap between us and the little speed demon.

The sports car doesn’t give us much of a run for our money. It pulls over to the curb. Our high-speed chase lasted two blocks, sucked down a quarter tank of SHPD gas.

Ceepak and I both get out of the cruiser.

The sports car window powers down.

“Hey, Danny.”

It’s Gail Baker. The hot waitress from The Rusty Scupper.

“Gail,” I say, “I need you to step out of the vehicle.”

“Sure.” The door opens. She climbs out in her skinny jeans and snug Sugar Babies tee. “I was speeding, right?”

“Yeah.”

“Sorry about that.”

“Have you been drinking?”

“I had a glass of champagne, but that was, like, two or three hours ago.”

“Why the big rush?” asks Ceepak, who has come around the front of Gail’s car.

She shrugs. “Just need to get home. You want me to take a Breathalyzer test or something?”

Actually, we use an Alco Tester, but everybody still calls it a Breathalyzer. Now I notice something on her neck. An oval bruise.

A hickey?

“You okay?” I ask.

“Yeah. Thanks, Danny.”

“Is that dentist still giving you grief?”

“Dr. Hausler?”

“I heard him at the gym Sunday morning.”

“Don’t worry. I can handle Marvin Hausler.”

I turn to Ceepak. “You want to run an SFST?”

That’s a Standardized Field Sobriety Test.

Ceepak nods and runs her through the three tests. He makes her follow a pen as he moves it back and forth to check her horizontal-gaze nystagmus-that being a weird word to describe the involuntary jerking of the eyeballs as they gaze side to side. When you’re drunk, the nystagmus is more pronounced. So are a lot of things, come to think of it. Like how funny you think you are.

Next comes the walk and turn, followed by the one-leg stand with its accompanying balancing and counting routine.

Gail passes all three tests with flying colors.

So we write up a warning, citing her doing fifty in a fifteen zone. If she gets pulled over again for the same reason, then she’ll get a ticket and a pretty hefty fine.

Gail says, “Thanks, guys.” She folds up the warning and slides it down into the back pocket of her extremely tight jeans.

On Friday morning, Ceepak and I head over to Our Lady of the Seas Roman Catholic church for Mrs. O’Malley’s funeral.

I’m inside because I knew the family.

Ceepak is out in the intersection directing traffic because, it seems, almost everybody on the island knew somebody in the family. I think Ceepak used to direct tank traffic rolling into Baghdad. I think this is worse.

I’m wearing my khaki pants and blue sports coat because I don’t own a suit. Like I said, I’m twenty-five. Sam has a black dress that buttons up to her neck and covers her knees. The nuns I had in elementary school would be pleased. I keep expecting her to whip out a lacy veil to cover her head.