Chris Grabenstein - Fun House

“What the BLEEP,” says Jenny Mortadella. “That BLEEP will shrivel your BLEEP, you stupid BLEEP.”

In the close-up on monitor three, we see what Vinnie found in Paulie’s room.

Another little glass vial with a cartoon label.

More Skeletor steroids.

“You’re putting illegal drugs on national television?” says Ceepak.

“Maybe,” says Mandrake. “This is a reality show. We shoot a ton of footage. But we don’t know what we’ll actually air till we get in the edit suite and start hacking away at it.”

Dialogue seeps out of the live monitors.

“That’s not my shit,” from Paulie.

“I found it under your fucking bed,” from Vinnie.

“That’s how you fucking beat Tone?” from Mike. “Dope?”

Anthony “Tone” DePalma was the first guy kicked out of the house back in July. He lost to Paulie in the Beach Badminton Beer Blast (they played with racquets and wadded-up aluminum beer cans instead of the more traditional shuttlecock).

“Your balls are going to fall off,” from Jenny Mortadella.

Ceepak leans forward and snaps off the audio.

“Hey!” protests Mandrake, who was gobbling up the garbage faster than a rat in a Mickey D’s dumpster after they clean out the Big Mac bin.

“You realize,” Ceepak says to Mandrake, “that since the enactment of the Federal Anabolic Steroid Control Act, steroids are placed in the Schedule III class of illegal drugs, along with barbiturates, veterinary tranquilizers, and narcotic painkillers?”

“No,” says Mandrake, somewhat sarcastically, “I did not know this. Now can I go back to doing my job?”

“By simply holding the illegal steroids …” Ceepak gestures toward the silent monitor because, I think, all the Fun House kids look pretty much the same to him (muscles, olive skin, too much hair gel).

I help out. “Vinnie.”

“… Vinnie is committing a federal offense, punishable by up to one year in prison and/or a minimum fine of one thousand dollars.”

Mandrake grabs his walkie-talkie. “Rutger? Cut! Hold the roll!”

The camera crews do as they’re told.

“We’re cutting,” squawks out of the radios attached to Layla, Grace, and Mandrake. Even though they’re not spinning digital tape, the cameras are still feeding images to the monitors. The Fun House boys stop yelling at each other. The girls adjust their boobs inside their bikini tops. It’s kind of funny watching the cast when they think they’re not being filmed. It’s real reality. It’s also boring.

“What if that ampule is empty?” asks Layla.

“Come again?” This from Ceepak.

“What if Vinnie is in possession of nothing more than an empty glass bottle with a Skeletor sticker glued to its front?”

“Then, technically,” says Ceepak, “he is not in violation of the State and Federal Steroid Control Acts.”

“Exactly,” says Mandrake. “You see why I rely on Miss Shapiro here? She’s not only got a hot bod, her brain ain’t half bad, either.”

Layla blushes. Tugs down on that Lycra tank top. It still doesn’t cover her belly button.

“Our intention with this subplot-” she says before Ceepak cuts her off.

“Subplot?”

“Sorry. TV talk. Sure, the show’s unscripted, but, well, we’re always looking for plot points. Conflict. Something to give each episode an arc and narrative drive.”

“Ms. Shapiro,” says Ceepak, “the criminal distributor of these illegal drugs is a person of great interest to the Sea Haven Police Department.”

“So let’s use the show to help you catch him!”

“Ma’am, with all due respect, this is a matter for law enforcement professionals.”

“So you don’t welcome the help of a concerned citizenry?” says Mandrake. “You need to be the Lone Ranger? Hunt the bad guy down all by yourself?”

“I did not mean to imply-”

Layla holds up a hand. “Hear me out, Officer Ceepak. Please?”

Ceepak crosses his arms across his chest to signify that he’ll listen. For a minute, anyway.

“We won’t run any of this footage from the steroid storyline, not even this confrontation between Paulie and Vinnie, until after you guys apprehend Skeletor.”

“We have your word on that?”

“Sure,” says Layla. “That’s the beauty of reality TV. We create our own timeline and continuity. We can cut out of the beer pong bit before the big Paulie-Vinnie blowup and recycle it back into the show later-after you have Skeletor behind bars and Paulie has redeemed himself on the steroid front. Maybe he goes up to Newark, talks to inner-city kids.…”

“Audiences love redemption scenes,” says Mandrake. “Even the Schnauzer on Hot Dog , the one who bit the Poodle on its pom-pom, even the Schnauzer had a redemption scene. Licked a sick Beagle’s ear.”

Ceepak sighs.

“Here’s what we do,” says Layla. “We lean on Paulie. Have him make contact with his drug dealer.”

“You’re assuming the illegal steroids are his?”

“Hey, that stunt he pulled on the Skee-Ball machine? Come on. That’s classic roid rage. Surely you guys figured that one out already.”

Ceepak has to nod because, to tell the truth, which he always does, we had.

“Okay. We tell Paulie that the only way out of this jam is for him to set up a meet with his dealer. When he does, I alert you and Danny. Give you the where and when. You take Skeletor off the street. Paulie repents. We fade to black and roll credits.”

Ceepak squints. “Would your cameras be filming this hypothetical drug deal?”

“Second unit only. We document the transaction so you can use it in court. Like those stings in airport hotel rooms the FBI is always running.”

“But you won’t use the footage on your program?”

“Not until Skeletor is safely behind bars, right, Marty?”

“Hmm?” Mandrake was distracted, picking through the grape bowl again.

“We don’t run anything on the steroid storyline without clearance from SHPD.”

“Definitely,” he says. “Of course not. No way.”

“You guys will save a ton of time if we play it this way,” Layla tells Ceepak. “I’m guessing Skeletor is off the street before we’re on the air next Thursday night.”

“It is highly doubtful that Skeletor, himself, will take the meet with Mr. Braciole.”

“Well, if he sends a flunky,” I say, trying to lend Layla a hand, “at least we’ll land the next fish up the line. We cut that fish a deal, he leads us up the food chain to an even bigger fish. Sooner or later, we’re reeling in Skeletor.”

Ceepak turns to Layla. “Encourage Mr. Braciole to contact his supplier.”

She smiles. “Come on. Let’s do it together!”

We hike out of the production trailer and head around the corner toward 102 Halibut Street.

“So, Danny?” says Layla, “you free between five and eight?”

“Huh?”

“We’re wrapping here at five. The crew has three hours to make the move to Morgan’s Surf and Turf. I don’t have to be on set till eight. Thought we could hang.”

One of the things I immediately liked about Layla Shapiro when we met under less-than-ideal conditions was how bold and ballsy she acted in a high-stress situation.

Right now? Not so much.

I mean, Ceepak is walking with us. Ballsy Shapiro? She could care less.

“I’m not sure.” I turn to Ceepak. “Boss?”

“I anticipate we’ll also stand down when the cast is confined to quarters. I, too, need to attend to a few personal matters on the home front.”

I nod. I figure one of the personal matters is calling a certain sheriff’s office up in Ohio to see how soon he can take their chief-of-detectives job. I can tell: John Ceepak is not having a very sunny or funderful day in Sea Haven today.