Chris Grabenstein - Free Fall

Like his slogan says, Harvey Nussbaum takes Wrongs and tries to turn them into Rights. Provided, of course, somebody pays him the right amount of money.

“So, which one of you two gentlemen is Ceepak?”

A short, wiry guy in funky designer glasses flits into the reception area like a hummingbird flapping a sheet of paper. With curly hair, a very high forehead (okay, he’s practically bald), Harvey Nussbaum looks to be about sixty-something. He’s wearing a tweed sport coat, a checked dress shirt, a red silk tie, creased blue jeans, and snazzy black shoes that probably cost more than all the shoes I have ever owned combined.

“I’m Ceepak.”

“You’re the one paying for my services?”

“Actually, my mother, Adele Ceepak, will be assuming the financial responsibility for Ms. Lemonopolous’ defense.”

“She here?”

“No, sir. However, if there is documentation requiring a signature …”

Nussbaum flaps a sheet of paper down on the receptionist’s counter. “This documentation. I will also need a check for three thousand dollars as my nonrefundable engagement fee before I do any more work on Ms. Lemonopolous’ behalf. I’ve already put in three hours since you called.”

“I have my mother’s Power of Attorney.” Ceepak reaches into his back pocket. “As well as a blank check she provided me.”

“Fine, fine, whatever. Sign here. And here.”

Nussbaum pulls a cheap pen out of the pocket of his expensive shirt. Clicks it a couple times before handing it off to Ceepak, who signs where the little sticky flags tell him to sign.

“Okay. Good. Come into my office. Ms. Lemonopolous?”

“Yes, sir?”

“We’re gonna make this Oppenheimer woman pay for what she did to you. When I’m done with her, she’ll make the Boston Strangler look like a choir boy.”

“Oh, I don’t want to hurt Shona …”

“Don’t worry. You won’t have to. I’ll do it for you. Come on.”

And we follow the pit bull into his den.

“Okay, let’s see what we’ve got,” says Nussbaum, flipping through a file folder when we’re all seated around his desk.

I notice our chairs are kind of short. His, behind the desk, looks like it might be on an elevated platform.

Nussbaum takes a photo out of the file. I recognize the shot. It’s one I took of Christine’s bruised and battered neck.

“I called the SHPD right after you people called me. Demanded that they send me the police report of the incident in question, ASAP. They were quite cooperative.”

“As I’m sure you will always find them to be,” says Ceepak.

“Right, right. You two are cops, correct?”

“Yes, sir.”

“In fact,” I say, “I wrote up that police report.”

Nussbaum flips to the front page of the Case Report.

“You’re Boyle? The OIC? Officer in Charge?”

“If I need to leave the room because of any conflict of interest …”

Nussbaum holds up his hand. “Not yet. We’re gonna be subpoenaing you … for the hearing …”

“Yes, sir.”

“Of course, I have to wonder why you didn’t arrest Mrs. Oppenheimer for assault and battery when you saw those ligature marks on Ms. Lemonopolous’s neck. Why you checked ‘Review Only’ down here instead of ‘Arrest Warrant.’”

“She claimed self-defense,” says Ceepak, jumping to my defense.

“Come on, boys, don’t piss on my boot and tell me it’s raining. You two have been around the block. You both know your Forensics one-oh-one. So, Officer In Charge Boyle, since when are strangulation marks a sign of self-defense?”

I clear my throat. Nervously. “Mrs. Oppenheimer claimed that she had to hold Christine by the neck to stave off her kicks and punches.”

“What? She couldn’t do what most people do when someone’s whaling on them?” The lawyer holds up both his arms to block his face and body. “How come she didn’t pull a rope-a-dope like Muhammad Ali against George Foreman? Nineteen-seventy-four. The Rumble In The Jungle?”

Okay. I’m feeling pretty dumb. Like maybe I should’ve slapped the cuffs on Mrs. Oppenheimer and dragged her off to jail when we caught that 911 call.

“Is any of this relevant at this juncture?” asks Ceepak.

“Officer Boyle’s incredible SNAFU on the night of the inciting incident?” Nussbaum shrugs. “Nah. You were in a she said/she said situation. The only independent witness was a scared kid, the son of the Sea Haven Strangler. I probably would’ve done the same thing. Break ’em up, send them to separate corners, call it a night. But now that Oppenheimer is coming after Ms. Lemonopolous with the full fury of the law instead of her two fists, now we fight back.”

I nod. “Yes, sir.”

“Okay, Christine. Why’d Mrs. Oppenheimer want to wring your neck?”

Christine takes a moment. Smooths out her pants legs. “We had a disagreement.”

“Yeah, yeah. And you tried to ‘defuse the situation by walking out of the room.’ I read your statement. Nice. Very sweet.”

He makes a “gimme, gimme” gesture with one hand.

“I need more.”

“Well,” says Christine, “I don’t want to cause Shona any trouble …”

“What?” Nussbaum is livid. “This Oppenheimer woman and her high-priced attorney are trying to screw you for life and you don’t want to cause her ‘any trouble’? They got a judge to issue this exparte order, meaning the restraining order is already in effect, because you were going to cause ‘irreparable injury, loss, or damage’ between the time the thing was filed and a hearing. They’re saying just seeing this sheet of paper would make you attack her again.”

“Still …”

“Grow up, Ms. Lemonopolous. Otherwise I’m giving Mrs. Ceepak back her retainer check. I can’t win this thing with one hand tied behind my back.”

Christine closes her eyes. “Okay. But this is pretty horrible.”

Christine is ready to talk.

“Shona Oppenheimer wanted me to, more or less, spy on my other home health care client, Dr. Arnold Rosen.”

“The dentist?” says Nussbaum. “Why?”

“Shona’s sister, Judith, is married to Dr. Rosen’s oldest son, David.”

“And?” He does the gimme-gimme gesture again.

“Shona told Judith to recommend me for the position at her father-in-law’s house.”

“Why?” The lawyer scribbles something on his legal pad.

“They wanted me in Dr. Rosen’s house so I could find out stuff.”

Nussbaum looks like he’s about to turn purple again. “Stuff?”

“Dr. Rosen is a very private man,” Christine explains. “He won’t allow family members to accompany him when he visits his doctors. He also refuses to sign the HIPAA forms that would give medical professionals permission to talk to his children about … anything.”

“Does he let you go into the exam rooms with him?”

“Yes. But only because I’m an RN. And I have to leave if, you know, the doctor puts on a glove and asks Dr. Rosen to …”

Marty give her another spin of his hand. TMI-Too Much Information. Time to move on.

“Judith, that’s Shona’s sister …”

“Yeah, I got that bit.” Nussbaum circles what he had written earlier on the legal pad.

“Judith was worried about her father-in-law’s medical condition. I could understand. I mean, if my parents were ninety-four, I’d want to know everything I could about their health.”

“But Dr. Rosen didn’t want his kids knowing diddly?”

“That’s right. And since he used to be a dentist, he reminded me of my own oath as a nurse. Our code of ethics.”

Ceepak’s eyes light up the way they do whenever somebody else mentions their Code.

“Enlighten me,” says Nussbaum.