Reginald Hill - The Price of Butcher

It took a moment to register that in fact the snarl was a smile- amp; the words he spoke werent a threat-but a greeting.

He said-how do folks-what fettle?-

Now he moved round the side of the car. He walked slowly-like a bear that would have preferred to be on all fours-rather than upright. He gave Tom amp; Mary-still paralyzed by the shock-a friendly nod in passing. Then he took hold of the rear door- amp; pulled it open- amp; looked in at me.

— how do lass-he said-heading for the village?-

I nodded-not trusting myself to speak.

— grand-he said-room for a little un?-

amp;-without waiting for an answer-he pulled himself in alongside me.

Up to this point-Id thought he was wearing a garishly striped summer shirt amp; a casual woolen jacket-but now I saw him clearly- amp; I thought-oh shit!

He was dressed in pajamas amp; a dressing gown. On his left foot was a leather slipper. His right foot was bare. There were leaves clinging to him amp; thorns sticking into him. His face bled through a few light scratches.

But looking at him more closely-as I had no choice but to do-I realized hed suffered more physical damage than could be explained merely by pushing through a hedge- amp; rolling down the bank into the road.

There was a lot of him-but a kind of pallor amp; the looseness of the skin on that broad face suggested that there used to be a lot more. Your nurses eye would probably have done a full diagnosis in half a sec-but even I could see enough to work out hed recently been very ill.

An escaped loony-I thought! Then I recalled the gate mans phone call. This had to be the convie whod gone missing-a bit of a relief-though not much!

He said-youll know me again luv-

I realized Id been staring.

I said-yes-sorry-hello-Im Charlotte Heywood-

Automatically I offered my hand. Good manners never hurt anyone-remember dad drumming that into us? Then hed head out across the fields-to chase some daft bugger off his land-with his shotgun!

The escaped convie took it- amp; held it in a surprisingly gentle grip.

— glad to meet you-he said-Andy Deal-

— Tom Parker. My wife Mary-said Tom-are you all right?-

— grand-he replied-nifty bit of driving that luv. Lot of women I know would have run me over-while they were still looking for the brake-

Somehow it came out as a genuine compliment.

Mary-reassured-gave him a smile amp; started the car again.

I realized the man was still holding my hand. He peered into my face amp; said-Heywood-thas not one of Stompy Heywoods brood out at Willingden-are you?-

— Steve Heywoods my father-I said-but Ive never heard him called Stompy-

— thats likely cos tha never got in his way at the bottom of a loose scrum. Aye-I thought I could see a likeness-

Being told I resembled dad wasnt the biggest compliment Id ever had! I dont-do I? Answer yes- amp; Ill publish details of your steamy affair all over the internet!

I snatched my hand free- amp; gave him a glower- amp; he grinned as if this confirmed his identification.

Ahead of us a banner stretched high across the road- amp; inscribed WELCOME TO SANDYTOWN-HOME OF THE HEALTHY HOLIDAY -told us we were now entering the village. Except it wasnt a village-more a small town. Usually when you go back to places you recall as a kid-everything seems to have shrunk -could impress you with the physiological explanation for this phenomenon-but I wont! Sandytown was different-very much bigger than I recalled-looking prosperous too-our route took us past several shops-a small supermarket doing good business-an art amp; craft gallery-a working pottery-a jolly café-a Thai takeaway- amp; a seafood restaurant called Mobys!

The cobbled streets were clean amp; litter free-the buildings freshly painted amp; well kept. Distantly I could see bathers sporting in the dark blue waves of the sea- amp; holidaymakers taking thier ease in deck chairs set on the golden sand. Posters everywhere showing an outline map of York-shire-with a big cross on the coast- amp; the legend-SANDYTOWN IS OUR TOWN-LETS PUT IT ON THE MAP! — while across the main street hung a banner reading FESTIVAL OF HEALTH-AUGUST BANK HOLIDAY.

Maybe the Headbanger didnt bring us here at all-but found some rundown shantytown to put us off family trips forever!

Tom Parker-clearly delighted at these signs of activity-gave a running commentary on each individual attraction- amp; occasionally leant out of the open window to greet pedestrians-as Mary drove us slowly along.

— right luv-this ull do me-said Mr Deal suddenly.

I looked out amp; saw an old freshly whitewashed building displaying a sign which read THE HOPE amp; ANCHOR-LICENSEE A. HOLLIS . One of the pig family? — I wondered. Mary pulled in. Deal leaned forward amp; said-Thanks for the lift luv. Sorry if I scared you back there. Lost me footing. Lost me bloody slipper too. Not to worry. I dont doubt Prince bloody Charming ull come looking for me. Tom-tha seems to be a local lad in good standing. I daresay tha gets on well with them up at the Avalon?-

— yes indeed-said Tom-I know Dr Feldenhammer very well-often visit-

Wrong answer-I thought. You cant survive as a student for 3 years without getting a nose for a touch!

— grand. Thing is-Im staying up there for a couple of nights- amp; I seem to have come out without me wallet. So if you could sub me a fiver-better still 10-Ill leave it with old Fester for you to collect next time you call in-right?-

It would have taken a lot harder man than Tom Parker to refuse.

The money was passed over-20 in the end I noticed- amp; Mr Deal got out.

He turned amp; said-thanks for the lift-missus- amp; for the loan-Tom-

For the first time Tom Parker got a real look at him-full length-standing by the open door-in his pajamas-with one bare foot. It was clearly a shock- amp; I think that inside he was bidding a fond farewell to his 20 quid-but he still managed that beaming smile as he said-our pleasure-our very great pleasure-goodbye-

Now the man turned his gaze on me.

— bye luv-he said-remember me to your dad-

— bye Mr Deal-I said.

He moistened his lips amp; leaned forward. For a dreadful second I thought he was going to kiss me!

— Dee Ell -he said very distinctly-get that straight-else thall niver go to heaven. Dee Ell. Cheers-

He turned amp; limped into the pub.

— oh dear-said Tom-I doubt if theyll serve him-looking like that-

I said-would you refuse to serve him Tom?-

He glanced round at me-then he smiled.

— you know-I dont believe I would! — he said-but the further adventures of Mr Dee Ell are no concern of ours! Mary-drive on. Lets get home amp; see the children!-

Which is what we did.

Minnie has just burst in again to tell me lunch is ready-knocking at doors must come late on the Parker curriculum! Better go. Watch this space for more exciting news from sunny Sandytown!

amp; dont forget that pic!

Love

Charley xx

There! What do you think of that, Mildred?

I did it!

Jumped the gun, surprised myself even, and now I’m in disgrace, quacks tut-tutting and feeding me pills, matron’s bosom heaving like Moby Dick in a hurricane, Cap on the phone, spitting blood, and calling me a stupid infantile prat, and saying the only clothes she’ll be bringing me’s a change of nappies!

But it were worth it.

I think.

Can’t say it’s done me a lot of good, but. To tell truth, I’m feeling a lot worse now than when I arrived here!

And I can’t even take credit for putting together a cunning plan.

In fact, there were no plan at all.