Jill Shalvis - The Detective’s Undoing

“It did.”

“No, not if you can look at me as you are right now, as if you expect me to walk out on you.”

“It did mean the world,” she whispered, closing her eyes. “It meant everything. I’ve never wanted anyone the way I wanted you, and I needed…” She shut her mouth and opened her eyes, stunned by the sudden realization.

He came to the same conclusion at the same exact moment. “You needed me. It was a first for you, this needing thing, and it makes you so unsettled and afraid that you can’t accept it.”

“Cade-”

“No, you’ll hear me out, dammit. You’re one of the strongest women I’ve ever met. No one in their right mind would think of you as a user, as weak or needy. But that’s not good enough for you. You have to shoulder your problems all by yourself.”

“I’ve always done that. It’s just…easier.”

“Don’t you get it? I don’t want you to take on the world by yourself. I want to be there for you. I want there to be an us.”

“You do?”

“I’ve loved you from the moment I went into the kitchen of the Triple M that night and found you alone and crying, and trying to be strong enough to carry the world’s weight on your shoulders. I knew right then and there that the connection between us was something I needed, that it was a soul and heart connection, one that couldn’t be denied.”

“Cade-”

“Oh, believe me-” his smile was wry, and her heart twisted “-I tried to ignore it, but…”

“Cade…” He loved her. The knowledge made her stagger, so that she had to sink into a chair. Because she couldn’t breathe, she put her head between her knees, her vision wavering. “You…you really…”

“Love you,” he finished for her, his hands on his hips, a frown on his face. Relenting, he stroked a hand down her trembling back. “I can see that thrills the hell out of you. You need to breathe, Delia.”

“I’m trying,” she muttered, her heart and thoughts racing. He expected her to return his love, of that she was quite certain.

“Hey!” Oblivious, Jacob leaped into the chair next to her, still grinning. “We can leave now. We can leave right now and be at the ranch before dark, right? You going to give me a job so I look official when there’s guests? ’Cause I figure I can lead out the horses for the rides, you know? You think I’m big enough for that?”

Delia peeked at him from between her fingers, her head still lowered, and had to smile, though she had to draw air into her lungs to do it. “You’re looking a little excited there, champ. You sure you don’t want to play hard-to-get a little bit longer?”

A flash of chagrin crossed his face, but it was fleeting. “Can I have the window seat on the plane?” He glanced at Cade. “Can I?”

Cade ruffled his hair fondly, but his smile was sad, his gaze on Delia. “I’m betting the window seat is yours,” he said. “You take good care of those horses.”

He isn’t going with us, Delia thought. He was saying goodbye. She rubbed her chest above her aching heart, knowing it was all her fault, knowing all she had to do was reach for him and give him those three little words right back, and he’d come with them. For always.

Always. Always. Always.

The words echoed in her head like a mantra.

“Aren’t you coming with us?” Jacob asked Cade, surprised and clearly disappointed. Now that he finally had family, he wanted them all with him all the time. He turned to Delia, confused. “Why isn’t he coming?”

Because I don’t know how to ask him to. She didn’t know what to say.

Apparently Cade didn’t, either. He said nothing, but she knew she’d never forget the look on his face, the pain in his expressive eyes, the tension that gripped his body as he hunkered down and gave Jacob a big hug. “I’ll see you,” he promised.

“Are you two fighting? Why? I don’t want you to fight.”

“We’re not,” Delia soothed. “We’re just…”

“Breaking up?” Jacob asked, horrified. “Are you?”

Delia hadn’t any idea that Jacob had understood the complexity of her and Cade’s relationship. “Jacob, this isn’t the time or the place to-”

Cade lifted Jacob’s sagging chin. “I told you I’d see you. And I will. No matter what.”

Without any of his usual hesitancy, Jacob continued to allow Cade’s embrace. He even returned it. “Pinky promise?”

Cade linked their fingers and they did some elaborate arm movement, faces solemn. “Pinky promise,” Cade whispered back.

Then he was gone.

Gone. Right out of her life, just as she’d let him believe she wanted.

Delia sighed and flopped over in her bed for the hundredth time. It was two in the morning and sleep wasn’t anywhere to be had.

It wasn’t Jacob. His warm reception from Maddie and Zoe had thrilled him. So had the job Ty had given him, which was to feed the horses. He was thriving.

It wasn’t the ranch, either. They were going to be full again this weekend, and with the latest storm, which had dumped a couple of feet of fresh snow on them, the guests would have their winter wonderland.

Her sisters were both great. Maddie was clearly in her element running the kitchen, and Zoe…well, Zoe wore a permanent stupid-looking grin on her face that widened at the mere mention of her new husband.

Delia sighed and turned over yet again, because she knew darn well what her problem was. It was just over six feet tall, about 180 pounds of solid utterly unforgettable male named Cade McKnight.

Neither of her sisters had been happy with her to find Cade gone. Maddie had been kind enough to give her one long-suffering sigh, while all the while making it clear she thought Delia foolish for letting him go.

Zoe hadn’t been nearly as kind. She’d come right out and told Delia she’d made a huge mistake to let her pride ruin everything.

But to imagine swallowing her pride and telling Cade she was wrong, that she did need him, she did want him, more than anything in the entire world…she didn’t know where to begin.

And yet, lying there alone and chilled to the bone because she didn’t have his warm loving arms around her was far worse, and she thought maybe if he walked into the room right now, she would be able to find the right words.

The same thoughts still haunted her the next morning at the crack of dawn. Staggering into the kitchen, desperate for caffeine, Delia whimpered pathetically at the smell of coffee already on the counter.

“God bless you, Maddie,” she muttered, pouring herself a cup.

“Morning, Delia.”

She nearly dropped her cup, then whirled around. Cade stood by the far wall, his own mug in hand, casual as you please. He was even smiling, though it didn’t quite meet his eyes.

“What are you doing here?” she asked, when what she really wanted to do was throw herself at him, feel his arms come around her and haul her close. She wanted him to kiss away all her fears and doubts so that there was nothing left but the heart-and-soul connection she’d had only with him.

But she didn’t make a move toward him, nor did he toward her. “I have a job here, at least for the moment, remember?”

Yes, she remembered. She didn’t know why she’d expected him to walk away from it. She should have known that Cade, like her, had changed. Just as she’d learned to let people inside, he’d learned to not blame himself for his family’s death. As a result, he would never walk away from something he started, especially not at the Triple M, not when he cared so much about her sisters and Ty.

“I’m taking two of the guests on a snowmobile trip today,” he said. “We’re cruising the back country, going to tear up some of this new snow.”

He looked so good standing there, in his snowmobile gear and boots, with attitude written all over him. Tell him, the voice inside her head urged. Tell him all the things you promised yourself you would tell him if only you could have the chance.