Молли Харпер - Nice Girls Don't Date Dead Men

Lonnie got to his feet and glared at Zeb with a predator’s eye. “What’s going on here?”

Zeb looked pained, panicked, at the sight of his bride-to-be. He pressed his lips together, then blurted, “I can’t do this, Jolene. I can’t. I don’t want to hurt you, but I can’t be with you. I can’t go through with this wedding.”

Jolene chuckled, looking to me to say that this was all joke. I shook my head, bewildered.

“Zeb, this isn’t funny.”

“It’s not a joke. Jolene, I can’t marry you. This whole thing, it’s wrong.”

“What are you talking about?” Jolene demanded. “I love you!”

Sweat broke out on Zeb’s forehead as he vomited out the words: “I don’t love you.”

Jolene let loose a strangled cry as she sank into a chair near her father. If looks could kill, Zeb would be hogtied at Lonnie’s feet with an apple stuffed in his mouth. Mimi wrapped her arms around the distressed bride and murmured soothing sounds into her neck. Behind them, a wall of indignant, insulted werewolf relatives rose to their feet, glowering at Zeb and me with curled lips and bared teeth.

“You’re doing the right thing, Zeb,” Mama Ginger cooed. “I’ve told you from the beginning, this whole wedding has been a mistake.”

Mimi turned on Mama Ginger and snarled. But Mama Ginger was too wrapped up in her triumph to notice.

“Let’s get out of here, Jane.” Zeb took my hand and tried to pull me away. Gabriel’s hands clamped around my shoulders as I yanked away.

Gabriel’s voice was low and stripped of the barest hint of kindness. “Leave now, Zeb. I don’t think we can protect you if you say much more.”

“I’m not sure if I want to,” Dick muttered. “Even I have standards.”

Backing toward his car, Zeb sent Jolene a last sorrowful look. “I’m sorry.”

Mama Ginger and the rest of the Lavelles were packed up and peeling away from the farm in seconds. Jolene soaked her mother’s shoulder with hoarse, body-wracking sobs. I glared at the girl cousins, who were snickering behind their hands, and wrapped an arm around the bride. “I don’t know what to say.”

From behind us, I could hear Uncle Luke demanding, “Well, what does she expect?”

“Luke,” Jolene’s father growled.

“No, no, I’ve held my tongue long enough,” Luke said. “It’s not right, the daughter of our alpha mating outside the pack, marrying herself to some filthy two-foot-walking human.

And now he’s done exactly what we all said he would do.”

“Hey, no one talks about my friend that way!” I cried. “He’s being a bit of a jerk right now, but he’s still my friend.”

“If you were a man, I’d slap you until you were spitting those fangs out the left side of your mouth,” Luke snarled.

“If you were a man, I’d slap you right back—hey!” I stepped out of the way when he did try to backhand me.

Without preamble, furry bodies flew at me from all sides. Several of Jolene’s aunts and cousins, wolfed out, leaped onto their uncle’s back. It had nothing to do with me personally. Attacking a guest on pack property was another clan shame. (I needed to start keeping a list.) Their response brought out several uncles and cousins who secretly agreed with Luke’s position and the cousins who were just itching for a good fight. I ducked around a tractor when I saw Lucy, one of the bridesmaid cousins who was still in human form, grab a bottle of Boone’s Farm and clobber Vance over the head.

“Is this normal?” I yelled to Gabriel over the din.

“It’s not abnormal,” he said. “Mind your head.”

I dipped just in time to miss the shattering plastic bomb of Aunt Vonnie’s cherished punch bowl. Vonnie, on seeing this, howled with rage, wolfed out, and went after the unfortunate uncle who had tossed it. Gabriel and I crawled under a table, where Dick had already dragged Andrea to relative safety.

“What do we do?” I asked. “Call the cops? Get a bunch of rolled-up newspapers?”

Gabriel covered me against the shrapnel from a thrown hurricane lamp. “Do you really think introducing police to the mix will improve the situation?”

“Good point,” I said, ducking the flying tissue-paper bells.

“I say we wait it out,” he said, handing me a little flask.

“What if Jolene gets a black eye for her wedding photos?” Andrea asked in a slightly addled voice.

“I think when the groom walks out of the wedding rehearsal, the last thing the bride has to worry about is pretty pictures,” Dick said.

“Wow,” Andrea marveled as Jolene hefted a tractor tire over her head and launched it at her uncle Tom.

“Well, she’s pretty worked up,” I said. “And she’s got all that werewolf strength. I just can’t believe Zeb did this. This isn’t him. He loves Jolene. He doesn’t have the kind of heart that just stops loving.”

Gabriel nodded. “It’s different now, stronger. It’s as if his thoughts are … filtered. Some of them are not his own. Have you noticed?”

“I try not to look into my friends’ heads. You tend to find out things that upset you.”

“I told you we’d have an unforgettable evening,” Dick said, elbowing Andrea.

“Yes. I think I won’t be able to forget this, no matter how much medication I’m prescribed.” Andrea winced as she downed a glass of room-temperature “Fuzzy Navel”flavored wine.

“Five bucks says Papa McClaine takes Vance out with a farm implement of some type,” Dick offered in an effort to lighten the mood.

“Ten says he uses his bare fangs,” Gabriel countered.

I separated their shaking hands. “Uh-uh, you two are just now talking again. No betting.

Besides, shouldn’t we go after Zeb?”

After the dust (and potato salad) had been cleared, Jolene was left sitting on a broken picnic table in an empty clearing. And she was naked again. That could not be sanitary.

“Oh, honey.” I clutched her close to me (after I’d wrapped her in a stray tablecloth).

“I don’t understand what happened.” Jolene sniffled. “Everythin’ was so perfect.”

“Do you think Zeb could be usin’ drugs?” I asked. Jolene stared at me. “OK, it’s not exactly within the realm of his character, but I would guess ‘hard-core crack smoker’ way before ‘idiot who dumped the love of his life at the altar.’”

“You think I’m the love of his life?”

“Of course I do. Who else would it be? It sure the hell isn’t me. What do you think made Zeb … just what the heck happened?”

“Zeb hasn’t been right in months. It’s little things. But I never thought—I never thought he would do somethin’ like this.”

“You know all that stuff Zeb was saying, that was just crazy talk, right? Zeb doesn’t really love me. It was as if he had some sort of dissociative episode or started channeling Mama Ginger or something. Maybe he just got cold feet.”

“The Zeb I love would not have cold feet. He was excited about getting married. How could someone just change like that? Maybe I should have married my cousin Vance, like Uncle Luke said.” Jolene paled. “I’ve got to call everythin’ off. I’m goin’ to have to call two hundred of my relatives and tell them the weddin’s off. And all that food! And the little mints. And the iceberg! What am I goin’ to do with a thirty-foot Styrofoam iceberg?”

“What were you going to do with it after the wedding?” I asked. She glared at me through her tears. “Look, let’s just hold off on canceling anything. All of the food, the drinks, everything will keep for two days, right? You just sit tight for the rest of the weekend.

Don’t make any decisions or announcements. Give me two days. If by Sunday I do not have a willing and groveling groom kneeling at your feet, then I will help you sink that dang Styrofoam iceberg.”