Молли Харпер - Nice Girls Don't Date Dead Men

“No!” Aunt Jettie cried.

“Yes!” Mr. Wainwright admitted.

“Oh, come on. Dating Grandpa Fred wasn’t enough, now you’ve moved on to my surrogate grandpa? Wait, what about Grandpa Fred? Does he know?”

“Yes,” Aunt Jettie said, the slightest hint of color slipping into her translucent cheeks. “He was very upset about it. He and all of your other step-grandpas are refusing to speak to me. It’s cut me off from almost half the dead people in town.”

I glared at her. “So, you were sneaking off to be together.”

“We didn’t want to upset you or make you worry,” Mr. Wainwright said.

“We’re in love.”

“Oh, yuck. I mean, I’m happy for you, but this is just a lot to absorb. We’ll deal with this later, OK? After I’ve had some sleep. I love you guys, both of you. But for the love of all that’s good and decent, make yourselves invisible or something when you do that.”

While were clans place special emphasis on male leadership, it’s important to remember to show proper respect to the packs’ older women. They don’t lose their teeth until well into their 90s.

—Mating Rituals and Love Customs of the Were

I didn’t know if or how I was going to approach Grandma Ruthie with Jay’s information about Wilbur. Fortunately, that decision was taken out of my hands when I woke a few nights later to find her in my living room. With Wilbur. And my parents. And my sister.

I guess I shouldn’t have been surprised. No matter how many times I changed the locks, Grandma Ruthie always managed to get in. River Oaks being her ancestral home, she felt she has the right to come and go whenever she wants. I considered an electric fence, but Jettie said it would ruin the aesthetics of the property.

“What are you guys doing here?” I asked.

“Well, I thought that since you haven’t been able to make it to dinner lately, we would bring dinner to you. I’ll just pop this into the oven to keep it warm.” Mama clapped her hands in her excitement over “roast on the go.” She does love to take her food on tour. “I wanted to give you and your sister time to talk,” Mama stage whispered as she hustled me into the kitchen. “I think she’s ready to apologize to you.”

“Couldn’t have stopped her, huh?” I muttered to my dad.

He shook his head sadly. “I tried. I really tried.”

“Why shouldn’t I be able to come see my own granddaughter?” Grandma Ruthie sniffed, stroking a china shepherdess that Jettie had loved. “Besides, I grew up in this house. The doors of River Oaks are never closed to an Early.”

Aunt Jettie, who appeared behind Grandma Ruthie, rolled her eyes.

“They will be if I get that electric fence,” I muttered.

Grandma’s watery blue eyes narrowed at me. “What’s that?”

“Nothing, Grandma,” I said, forcing myself to sit without any petulant flopping.

“Well, I think it’s nice to see a big family getting together like this,” Wilbur said, making himself comfortable on the couch and grabbing the remote control. “Do you get the Weather Channel, Janie?”

“You are losing control of your own home, pumpkin,” Aunt Jettie said.

“I know.”

“Well, are you going to offer us something to drink, or do you normally let guests die of thirst?” Grandma Ruthie demanded in a tone that had me jumping back to my feet. Man, she was good at that.

“Would you like some iced tea?” I asked.

“Sweet, please,” she said.

Jettie appeared at my elbow as I emptied the tea jug. To be honest, I only kept it around for Zeb and Jolene, and I had no idea when it had been brewed. “Lace it with Ex-Lax. It will do her some good.”

“Don’t start,” I warned her quietly. “Let’s just get everybody out of here as quickly as possible.”

“What was that, honey?” Mama asked as she puttered around my cabinets looking for dishes that had been washed up to her standards.

“Nothing,” I said, pouring the tea into a proper glass, with lemon. No laxative enhancements. I turned to find Jenny standing behind me, arms crossed, jaw set.

“Yes?”

Jenny threw up her hands. “Well?”

“Well what?”

“Well, Mama said you had something to say to me,” Jenny ground out. “She said you were ready to apologize.”

I shot Mama a scathing look. “Well, that’s funny, because Mama said you were ready to apologize to me.”

“Why would I apologize to you?” Jenny demanded.

“I don’t know, for suing me? And by the way, I don’t think my lawyer would appreciate your being here right now.”

“Now, girls,” Mama sighed.

“I’m suing you to get what I deserve!” Jenny cried.

“Trust me, you don’t want what you deserve,” I shot back.

“This was obviously pointless.” Jenny groaned. “Enjoy your dinner, Mama.”

“No, Jenny, don’t go,” Mama wheedled as Jenny stomped out. “You just have to stay and talk this through.”

Grandma Ruthie must have cut Jenny off at the living room, because she and Wilbur were marching my sister back into the kitchen.

“You don’t have to go, Jenny. You have every right to be here,” Grandma told her.

“You’re staying.”

“Yeah, I’m sure there are way more insulting things you can say to me in my own house.”

I grabbed a bottle of Faux Type O out of the fridge because I knew it would bother Jenny that much more.

“It’s not your home,” Grandma Ruthie sniffed. “It belongs to all Earlies.”

“Well, that’s a handy piece of information. I’ll keep you guys in mind the next time I’m writing out the property-tax check. Or the check for the new boiler. Or the next time I have to make roof repairs.”

Jenny huffed, indignant. “If it’s such a burden—”

“It’s not a burden. I’m just tired of you and Grandma Ruthie talking as if I fell into this nomaintenance pile of clover. It takes time, hard work, and money to maintain this house.

And frankly, I’m better prepared to do that than either of you.”

“Because you’re a vampire,” Grandma asked snidely.

“Yeah, because I’m a vampire. And you know, that’s the first time you’ve actually said the v-word. So thank you.”

“I don’t want to go through this business again,” Grandma sighed, waving my concerns away like buzzing insects.

“I don’t think we went though this business the first time,” I said. “You’ve mostly ignored me and any mention of my being a vampire.”

“You know, when I was a young woman, people stayed dead.”

“Sorry. This must be a real inconvenience for you.”

“Don’t you sass me!” she screeched.

Wilbur wagged his finger at me. “Young lady, you need to learn some respect for your elders.”

“Wilbur, I don’t think you want to get involved in this,” I told him.

“Let’s all calm down and talk about this like rational people,” Daddy said.

“Jane, Jenny, stop it. You’re upsetting your father,” Mama said, wringing one of my dishtowels into knots.

“Sherry, hush. Jenny and Jane have been due for this conversation for a long time. I think we need to let them have it.” Daddy tried to pull Mama and Grandma out the door, toward the living room, but Grandma wouldn’t budge.

“No, there are things that Jane needs to hear,” Grandma Ruthie insisted. “You all have coddled her for way too long and let her get away with saying or doing whatever she wants. It’s time she heard the truth about how this family feels about her letting herself get turned into a vampire. We’re ashamed, Jane. We’re embarrassed. What you’ve let yourself become reflects badly on us all.”

Daddy’s face flushed, and he actually raised his voice to yell, “Don’t you put words into my mouth, Ruthie—”