Stephanie Doyle - Suspect Lover

Not without good reason, either.

Denny was dead. Steven was most likely his killer and Dominic’s enemy, and Caroline didn’t want to love him. Plus he couldn’t imagine how funny Nora would be when they met up again. He wondered if their secret had been revealed with his past’s unveiling. Dominic could only speculate what kind of trouble that might cause her at work.

Shut it down. Seal it up. Close it off and don’t think about anything. Life as a zombie. Dominic remembered what it felt like to live that way and was surprised at how much he didn’t want to go back. Despite the pain that came with letting people in.

Caroline turned slightly and he could feel her shifting and sliding along his body. He felt his penis stiffen and adjusted his hips so she wouldn’t bump his erection. There was no reason to advertise his arousal when he knew she couldn’t possibly be interested again.

He’d been rough earlier. Too demanding for her slight body. She’d practically collapsed in his arms when it was over. He closed his eyes and recalled the feeling of coming inside her. It had rocked his body from his spine to his toes and back again. He thought their sex had been good before, but he hadn’t been prepared for the rush of pleasure that hit him. He’d never before gotten off so much on the idea of filling someone up with himself.

“I didn’t use a condom,” he blurted.

“Hmm?”

Her lips moved and this time she kissed the spot just above his brown nipple. He wondered if she was going to suck on it and felt himself grow harder. Clamping down on his desire he said, “Before. I didn’t use a condom.”

She sat up and the sheet slid from her body. Instinctively his hand covered her exposed breast. “We haven’t used one from the beginning.”

He had to pull his hand away, let her softness go. As his fingers brushed her, he found her nipple was hard, too. “That was before when we were trying to start a family.”

“You don’t want that anymore,” she said, her head low, her voice tight.

“You do?” he asked, stunned.

“I…”

He watched her open her mouth as she searched for words, but eventually she had no answer. He didn’t blame her. “You don’t have to say anything. I understand.”

She stared at him, but in the darkened room he couldn’t make out her expression.

“What do you think you understand?”

“I’m an ex-con, for one.”

“I don’t care about that,” she replied instantly.

“You should,” he said and thought he saw her body jerk. “Not that you need to worry about the unprotected sex. I know the stories about prison. Hell a lot of them are true. But nothing ever…I mean, that wasn’t a problem for me. Mostly because of the reputation I established as a son of a bitch. I didn’t do drugs, didn’t use needles. Anyway, I was tested when I got out. For everything. Just because I had to know I was clean.”

She rested a hand on his face. “I know you. You would never put me at risk.”

“It goes beyond that, Caroline. My past won’t be something I’ll be able to hide anymore. It will affect my work, how people deal with me. It will permeate everything. It’s why I worked so hard to leave it behind. That stain will follow me. You’ll be married to an ex-con. Your child’s father will be an ex-con. It never goes away.”

“That stain is there only if you let it be. I don’t see it.”

He wished he suffered from her naïveté. “Caroline, I’m not getting you pregnant. At least not now, with things so uncertain.”

She rolled away from him and lay flat on her back, the sheet pulled up to her neck.

He’d upset her, but he also knew that his argument was sound. Getting her pregnant before all of this was resolved was not an option. Leaving a child while he went off to jail definitely was not going to happen. If they made it, if they could find a way, then maybe. But only when he was certain she understood what it meant to be with a man who had a past.

“Why did you pick me?” Caroline asked after a moment.

“I don’t know what you mean.”

“From the other applicants. Why did you pick me? And don’t tell me it was because of my career being suited to being alone a lot. You weren’t thinking about that when you started. Surely you were looking for a type.”

A type, yes, absolutely. A robot like him. Beautiful, serene, unemotional, unintrusive. Unloving. Not Caroline. He hadn’t been looking for her. “I was.”

“Part of the package had to be a certain age range,” she continued clearly heading toward some conclusion. “You told me you wanted children. In fact, I’m pretty sure your only motivation for going to the agency in the first place was because you wanted a child. Because of the deal you had with your partners. Tell me I’m wrong.”

He wouldn’t lie to her. Not at this point. “You’re not. I wanted a child. Someone I could leave my company to.”

“Okay, so I’m thirty-five. My biological clock is ticking. Why would you pick me?”

There was a tension in her voice that he didn’t understand. “You’re upset because I want to put off getting you pregnant until this over. We’re not talking years, Caroline.”

“I know.” She touched him again, her hand closing over his arm. “I just feel like we’re running out of time. For so many things. But that’s not why I asked you why you picked me. You were a man trying to find someone to have a child with. You should have picked someone younger. I know that about you, Dominic. Your choice should have been rational. Logical. So why did you pick me?”

“Your smile.” The answer sprung to his lips so quickly. It made him feel foolish. He smiled unconsciously, tucking his hands behind his head, looking at the ceiling. “Not much of a rational decision, is it?”

“No.”

Since he’d opted for honesty, there was no point in stopping. “It was the first thing I saw in the picture they sent me. I thought that smile was for me. When you looked into the camera, I thought you were smiling straight at me. When you answered my first e-mail, I knew I wanted to meet you. I didn’t care about your age or whether or not you could have children. When we spoke on the phone, I got hard. Rationality went out the window.”

She moved again and this time her hand didn’t touch his arm. Instead, it slid down his belly until she was holding the erection he’d been trying to hide from her. He closed his eyes and groaned, thinking of the condoms he didn’t have.

“Caroline,” he breathed, ready to reach for her hand to pull it away.

“You don’t have to get me pregnant,” she said as she kissed his chest, then dipped her tongue into his belly button. She lifted her head. “In fact, I’m pretty sure it will be impossible this way. But at least you’ll get to feel my smile. Up close and personal.”

And he did. First her smile. Then her tongue. Then her mouth. And then there was nothing but the pleasure.

“How much farther?” She felt his gaze on her and cringed. “Fun fact about me. I don’t like long car rides. Even when I’m driving.”

He chuckled softly. “Eight, ten more hours.”

Caroline pushed down harder on the gas pedal. The landscape in front of her was barren and brown everywhere she looked. Endless and unchanging. It disturbed her because as hard as she stared, she couldn’t see what was coming over the next small rise. Couldn’t see anything but the space around her.

She needed to drive through it, get past it, so that she could see something else.

Like her future.

She thought about what she told him, how there were times she didn’t want to love him, and then she wondered if she truly had any control over that. He hadn’t returned the words, hadn’t whispered a hint about what he felt for her. Instead, he told her he didn’t want to get her pregnant. Always with him it was one step forward, then one step back.