James Chase - Not My Thing

Beigler heaved a sigh, drank some steaming coffee by his side and shook his head.

‘I’m sorry, Tom. These things happen.’

Lepski snorted.

‘And how come you are always drinking hot coffee? Charlie never bothers to give me any.’

‘Well, Tom, it’s a quid pro quo.’

Lepski gaped at him. ‘

Quid pro… what?’

Beigler looked smug. In his spare time, he studied a book of quotations and, when the opportunity arose, he trotted out a cliché.

‘That’s Latin, Tom.’

‘Latin, huh?’

‘That’s right. Translated it means ‘You scratch my back, and I’ll scratch yours’.’

Lepski made a noise like a train approaching a dark tunnel.

‘Who the hell wants to scratch Charlie’s hairy back?’

‘Never mind, Tom. I’ve got a little job for you,’ Beigler said. ‘Right up your alley. I could have given it to Max or one of the other boys, but I kept it especially for you.’

Lepski regarded him suspiciously.

‘Oh, yeah? What job?’

‘I have a complaint from the Mayor’s office about Lucy Loveheart. According to the complaint she is getting a shade too blatant.’

Lepski’s face showed interest.

Every cop, every wealthy resident, every rich visitor, knew Lucy Loveheart. She ran an expensive, de luxe brothel on a side street off Ocean Boulevard. She owned a five-storey house with twelve lush-plush apartments, a vast lounge, a bar, and a black band that provided soft, good swing.

Lucy Loveheart had become a tradition in Paradise City. Born of Russian parents with an unpronounceable name, she had come to the city in her early teens. Her beauty and sexual technique quickly found her rich clients. She saved her money, bought this house and set up a de luxe call-girl service. None of the girls lived on the premises. They came to work when Lucy called them, did what was required of them, received a handsome fee and returned to their own apartments. Lucy’s establishment was the acme of discretion.

‘What’s she been up to?’ Lepski inquired.

‘The complaint comes from the Mayor’s secretary: that prissy old fink who would complain if she saw a dog water a tree,’ Beigler said. ‘She writes that when passing Lucy’s house, she observed an intimate woman’s garment out on one of the balconies.’

Lepski pointed like a gun-dog.

‘What garment?’ he asked.

‘I don’t know. The old fink didn’t say. You’d better go talk to Lucy. The old fink could cause trouble. Just nice, gentle stuff, Tom. Don’t forget Lucy sends us all a turkey and a bottle of Scotch on Thanksgiving Day.’

Lepski put on his hat and got to his feet.

‘Right up my alley, Joe,’ he said, his good temper restored. ‘I haven’t chatted to Lucy in months.’

‘Don’t forget you are a married man, Tom,’ Beigler said gravely, concealing a grin.

‘Just pipe down, Joe! You talk too much!’ and Lepski hurried out of the Station house. He paused long enough to eat a hamburger at Joe’s bar, wondering what Carroll was giving herself for lunch, and now wishing he had kept his cool when she started to bawl him out. He hoped, by the time he got home, all would be forgiven, and she would have cooked him an edible dinner.

Leaving his car on Ocean Boulevard, he walked the short distance to Lucy’s residence, mounted the marble steps and rang the bell.

The door immediately opened, and Lepski was confronted by a gigantic black, dressed in a purple shirt, black silk trousers, his black shaved head glistening. Lepski knew of him. This was Sam, who took care of the trouble-makers, who vetted all visitors, who was Lucy’s right hand.

The black regarded Lepski, then his thick lips peeled into a water-melon grin, showing big white teeth.

‘Mr Lepski,’ he said and bowed. ‘A pleasure, sir.’

Is Mrs Lucy available, Sam?’

‘For you, Mr Lepski, sir,’ Sam said, stepping aside. ‘It is a mite early, but if you wait a few minutes.’

He conducted Lepski to a luxuriously furnished ante-room.

‘Perhaps a drink, Mr Lepski?’

‘No, thanks. Tell Mrs Lucy I’m in a hurry,’ Lepski said, staring around the room, thinking it must have cost a small fortune to furnish with its antique furniture, the good modern paintings on the walls, the thick Turkish carpet.

‘Yes, sir,’ Sam said, bowed and withdrew, shutting the door after him.

Lepski pushed his hat to the back of his head and wandered around the room. He didn’t like to sit down in one of the antique chairs. They looked as if they could break under his weight.

A few minutes later, Sam appeared.

‘If you will follow me, sir,’ he said. ‘Mrs Lucy will receive you.’

He conducted Lepski to an elevator that silently whisked them to the first floor.

Lucy Loveheart was standing in the doorway of her office, smiling a greeting.

Lucy Loveheart was short and plump with a mass of curly hair, the colour of mashed carrots. She had large violet-coloured eyes, a cupid-bow mouth and an aggressive jaw-line.

She owned to forty-four years of age, although she was actually well into her late fifties.

She was wearing a severely cut coat and skirt and a frilly white blouse and, when she extended her hand, diamond rings flashed on her plump fingers.

‘Why, Mr Lepski, how nice to see you. You’re looking as handsome as ever, and how is your beautiful wife?’

‘She’s fine, thank you,’ Lepski said and followed her into the big office, furnished with antiques and a big Dali painting dominating the wall behind the desk.

‘Have a drink, Mr Lepski,’ Lucy said, waving to a chair padded with red leather.

‘No thanks, Lucy. This is business,’ Lepski said, twiddling his hat and sitting down.

She moved behind the desk and settled herself.

‘Business? Well, Mr Lepski, we are both busy.’ She smiled. ‘What’s the business?’

‘We’ve had a complaint from Mrs Hackensmidt, the Mayor’s secretary,’ Lepski said and grinned.

‘That old prune… what’s her moan?’

‘She says when passing your house, she observed an intimate woman’s garment hanging from a balcony.’

Lucy raised her eyebrows.

‘Extraordinary. What intimate garment?’

‘She doesn’t say.’

‘There are five balconies to my house, Mr Lepski. Which balcony?’

‘She doesn’t say.’

‘Witnesses?’

‘She doesn’t say.’

‘And the police have to waste their time and mine on a stupid complaint like this?’

‘Well, she’s the Mayor’s secretary,’ Lepski said with another grin. ‘She draws a lot of water.’

‘So do I!’ The violet-coloured eyes were suddenly hard. ‘Forget it, Mr Lepski. I will talk to the Mayor. It’s time that old battleaxe was put out to grass.’

‘I guess you’re right,’ Lepski said. ‘Just for the record, was there some garment on one of your balconies?’

‘Certainly not!’ Lucy snapped. ‘This is a respectable house, Mr Lepski.’

‘Maybe the Mayor won’t go along with that,’ Lepski said cautiously. ‘When we get a complaint, he’ll want to know what we’ve done about it.’

‘There’ll be no trouble with the Mayor. He’ll fix her. Just forget this, will you?’

Lepski nodded.

‘I guess you’ll be able to handle it. Okay, Lucy. Her letter will get lost.’

For a brief moment, her face hardened as she said, ‘And so will she!’ Then, getting to her feet, she smiled.

‘If you have half an hour to spare,’ she said, ‘Lulu is upstairs with nothing to do. Would you care for a little fun with her entirely on the house?’

Lepski got hurriedly to his feet.

‘Thanks, Lucy, but I’ve things to do.’

‘You poor police officers, how you work!’ Lucy patted his hand. ‘Anytime when you feel in the mood, it’ll be on the house. Sam will fix you up with one of my best girls.’