James Chase - You Must Be Kidding

‘Well, I thought a wonderful girl like Carroll would like some perfume.’

‘Yeah... yeah.’ Lepski loosened his tie. ‘What the hell can I give her?’

Jacoby, who wasn’t married, but had a string of girlfriends, hid a grin.

‘Just look around, Tom. Girls like presents.’

‘Yeah.’ Lepski stared into space. ‘But what the hell what?’

‘A handbag. A dress. Jewels. Depends on how much you want to spend.’

‘It’s not how much I want to spend: it’s how much I can afford to spend,’ Lepski said. ‘A handbag, huh? That’s an idea. Yeah. I’ll give her a handbag.’

A voice said, ‘If you two will stop yakking, can I have some attention?’ A female voice, soft, sensual: a creamy voice.

Both detectives swung around and stared.

Standing at the barrier that divided the Detectives’ room from the visitors was a coloured girl, and what a girl!

Both Lepski and Jacoby pointed like gun dogs, then Lepski came fast to the barrier.

The girl was the colour of coffee, gently diluted with cream. She was tall and willowy. She wore close fitting white cotton slacks and a close fitting blood red jersey top. What this outfit did to her made Lepski breath heavily through his nose. He hadn’t seen a more perfect woman’s body! Big, half pineapple shaped breasts, a tiny waist, a voluptuous sweep of hips, long legs. Her features were sensual: a short, thin nose with slightly flared nostrils, big black eyes that glittered with life, and full lips that suggested untold promises. Some girl!

‘Yes, miss?’ Lepski said, looking into the black eyes and feeling his blood move down to where it shouldn’t have moved down — being a married man.

‘I’ve come about this jacket I saw on the telly last night,’ the girl said. Her voice reminded Lepski of Mae West’s in an old movie he had seen, murmuring ‘Come up and see me sometime.’

He opened the gate of the barrier.

‘Come on in,’ he said, aware that Jacoby was leaning over his desk, staring. ‘Have a seat.’

She moved by him. Her body flowed. Her breasts did a tiny jig. Following her, Lepski watched the movement of her hips. She sat in a chair opposite Lepski’s desk, opened her handbag and took from it a pack of Camels. Lepski searched through his pockets for a match, but she had already lit the cigarette with a solid gold lighter before he had found his matchbook.

He sat down and restrained a leer. He knew instinctively that this girl knew all the answers, and a detective, although first grade, was small fry to her, but that didn’t stop him from eyeing those beautiful breasts, scarcely concealed by the jersey top.

‘May I have your name, miss?’ he asked and drew a scratch pad towards him.

‘Doroles Hernandez. I live in apartment 165 Castle Avenue. My mother got screwed by a Spanish creep who ran a factory, and I was the product. I kept his name.’ She gave Lepski a brilliant smile, revealing perfect white teeth. ‘Just the background, Mr. Detective. Do you want more?’

Lepski whistled through his nose. He knew all about Castle Avenue: that was where the expensive hookers lived. So she was a hooker! Boy! He thought, if I wasn’t married and five years younger, I’d be up there at apartment 165 Castle Avenue, like a lizard after a fly!

‘You have information, Miss Hernandez,’ he asked in a carefully controlled voice.

‘Maybe... maybe not. I had a stand-up last night. The guy was sick or something,’ Doroles said, ‘so I put on the telly. I don’t usually look at the telly. It’s a drag, you know?’

‘Yeah. So you looked at the telly and saw the jacket... right?’ Lepski said, trying to keep his mind off those provocative breasts and on the work in hand.

‘That’s it.’ She gave him a sexy smile that almost destroyed his better feelings. ‘There I was all alone, with a gin martini for company...’ She paused and regarded him with her big, black eyes. ‘I bet you prefer Scotch, Mr. Detective.’

Lepski, who was now wondering just how marvellous she would look without clothes, started.

‘Yeah. So there you were alone and you saw the jacket?’

‘Yes. As soon as I saw it, I remembered.’ She turned her head and caught Jacoby leaning across his desk, breathing heavily, as he gaped at her. ‘Is he a detective?’ she asked. ‘He looks cute.’

‘His mother thought so,’ Lepski growled. ‘Let’s work on this, Miss Hernandez. You saw the jacket and you remembered. What did you remember?’

‘Call me Doroles.’ This in the Mae West voice.

Lepski was thankful the desk hid what was now happening to his lower section.

‘Yeah. Well, Doroles... what did you remember?’

‘I remembered seeing the jacket. I thought it was pretty sharp, you know? A real eye catcher.’

‘When did you see the jacket?’

‘When?’ She moved in the chair and her breasts did a little dance which was appreciated both by Lepski and Jacoby. ‘It was on the fifth.’

Lepski stiffened to attention. On the evening of the fifth, Janie Bandler had been murdered.

‘Are you sure about the date, Doroles? This is important.’

‘I’m sure. I’ll tell you for why. It’s Jamie’s birthday. Jamie is my dog. I took him to the Blue Sky restaurant. The Maître d’ loves Jamie. Do you like dogs, Mr. Detective?’

Lepski suppressed a growling noise. He hated dogs.

‘So you took your dog out. What time was this?’

‘Lunch time. I’m crazy about Jamie. He’s my best friend, you know? When I come home tired, he’s there waiting for me. He jumps all over me. He’s really sweet.’

Lepski snapped the pencil he was holding.

‘You were walking your dog? So what happened?’

She made a little grimace.

‘Well, this guy came up to me. Guys are always coming up to me, you know?’

Lepski could imagine. If he hadn’t been married, he would have gone up to her.

‘And this guy was wearing the golf ball jacket?’

She stubbed out her cigarette, and immediately lit another.

‘I can’t stop,’ she said, and her sensual lips parted in a smile. ‘I guess I’m nervous or something. Do you think all this crap about cigarettes being dangerous is right?’

‘Maybe. You were saying this guy came up to you,’ Lepski said. If it had been anyone but this gorgeous sex symbol, he would have been shouting by now. As it was, his face turned a dark hue.

‘A cheapie.’

‘Was he wearing the jacket?’ Lepski hissed.

Her big eyes opened wide.

‘Why, no. He was wearing a sharkskin brown... strictly for the birds.’

Lepski snapped another pencil.

‘We’re talking about this godda... we’re talking about this golf ball jacket.’

She gave him another smile that went right down to his heels.

‘You can swear if you want to Mr. Detective. I don’t mind. Lots of my men friends swear. Men do, you know?’

Lepski dug his fingers into the surface of his desk.

‘So what about the jacket?’

‘Well, this cheapie was chatting me up. He was offering fifty. Can you imagine?’ She leaned back and laughed. She had a nice, sexy laugh, but by now, Lepski was fast losing patience. ‘Jamie wanted to visit a tree, then this jacket went by. As soon as I saw it, I thought it was real sharp. I like to see men well dressed. A man who cares about how he looks is the kind of man I like.’

‘Yeah. So you saw the jacket pass... who was wearing it?’

‘A tall, doll of a man, you know?’

Lepski reached for his scratch pad.

‘Tell me about him, Doroles. Give me a description.’

She stubbed out her cigarette and lit another.

‘I didn’t see his face, Mr. Detective. What with this cheapie and Jamie wanting to get to a tree, you know?’