Walter Myers - Lockdown

I looked at the fool to see if he was serious. He was.

I saw Toon at breakfast and he looked the same. That stupid face he always wore, kind of round and wide-eyed with his hair sticking out all over his head, was looking more like a leftover pumpkin or something. The skin around his eye was yellow and blue, colors you didn't even expect to see on a real person, and the way he was holding his face when he was trying to eat his eggs, you could tell he was paining.

Diego and Cobo were sitting together. Cobo was still acting like he was some kind of big-time gangsta, and Diego was sucking up.

We finished breakfast, and Wilson said we had to wait until the girls came downstairs before we went to classes.

"They're getting a lecture on birth control," he said.

"All you got to tell them," Pugh said, "is to stay away from these knuckleheads."

We went to the dayroom instead of our cells, and I knew that the cells were being inspected as soon as Wilson left us. I thought about my place. I knew it was clean, so I didn't have anything to worry about. Anyway, you only got a demerit for dirt in your room, you didn't drop a level.

We were sitting around when I saw Toon go to the bathroom. Cobo snapped his fingers twice to get Diego's attention and then pointed at Toon.

"Diego!" I called to him. "Sit down, man."

Pugh looked up and then he looked at me and Diego. He knew something was happening.

"I think I'll get myself some coffee," he said.

Pugh was going to let the shit happen. He knew if I got into it, I could lose my gig at Evergreen.

"What you got to say?" Diego asked me from across the room as soon as Pugh closed the door.

I looked over at Play, and his eyes were dead on me, seeing what I was going to do. Diego couldn't handle me, I knew that. He looked strong but I didn't think he had the heart. But it wasn't Diego making the world go round. It was Cobo.

I went over to where he was sitting. He laid his head to one side and hooked his thumbs in his belt like I was some shorty he was watching on a playground. He was sitting on one of the folding chairs and had it tilted back. I kicked the leg and he went back onto the ground.

Diego took a step toward me, and Play stood up and pointed at him.

"You want him-you got me, too," Play said.

Cobo got to his feet, looked me up and down, and then the sucker just exploded on my ass! The sucker was hitting me with his fists, his elbows, kneeing me in my side. I was down on my knees covering up and he was pounding me on the back of my head. I was in a blind panic when I grabbed his ankle and pulled it up as hard as I could.

He started to go down backward and reached out to grab onto something, but there wasn't anything there. When he reached back for the floor he was all open, and I smashed his face as hard as I could. I don't remember a lot more but I know I kept swinging. Then I felt myself going up in the air and down hard on the back of the couch, which knocked all the wind out of me. Before I could see where I was, my hand was being twisted behind me and I felt the handcuff on my wrist.

I looked over my shoulder and it was Pugh.

He went over to where Cobo was trying to get to his feet and gave him a straight kick right in the stomach. Then he twisted his arm behind him and handcuffed him, too. Wilson must have heard the commotion, because he came running in. I got dragged out of the dayroom and pushed into my quarters. I heard the door slam behind me and just lay on the floor, still handcuffed.

I lay there for about an hour, maybe even two. Then Mr. Pugh, Mr. Wilson, and some other dude I didn't know got me out and took me to the detention cell.

The detention cell didn't have anything in it except a toilet. You had to sit on the floor. They brought me some water and a bologna sandwich later on and I told them to keep it. But I ate it when I got hungry.

I got another bologna sandwich for breakfast with a container of milk.

It was a long day, and I sat in the cell by myself until Mr. Pugh came and got me and took me to Mr. Cintron's office. I started to sit down but he made me stand up and face away from him. He got right behind my back and started talking to me real soft like any minute he might have offed me. I was thinking he was probably hard when he was on the streets.

"Anderson, do you have to work on being stupid or does it just come natural to you?" Mr. Cintron said.

"I ain't got nothing to say," I said. "I just did what I did."

"The guy you fought is going to be doing that same kind of fighting in some kind of institution for the rest of his life. And believe me, he's going to be in some kind of institution for the rest of his life. What the hell do you need that for?"

I tried to think of something to say, but I couldn't.

"Eddie said you were looking out for one of the younger boys," Mr. Cintron said. "But I don't know if I believe him. All I know is that I stood up for you and you let me down. That's all I know."

"I'm sorry, sir."

"This isn't about sorry, Reese. You're not on the street stepping on somebody's sneakers. You're behind bars. You're with people who don't mind seeing you throw your life away. You can't figure that out?"

"Sir…"

"Shut up, Reese," Mr. Cintron said. "Just shut up. I'm going home tonight. Home to my wife and children and my lovely apartment and I'm going to think about this. You know what freaking power I have over you now? Do you know what-"

He just stopped talking like he was disgusted or something. I wanted to turn around to see his face, but I didn't.

When Mr. Pugh took me back to my quarters, he asked me if I was all right. I said, "Yeah."

"As soon as I turned my back you started acting up," he said.

"Yeah." Dear Icy,

It was nice getting your letter. You made me feel a lot better. Sometimes it gets pretty bad in here, but I feel good thinking about you and Willis and the good times we will have when I get out. Do you remember when we went to Coney Island and you went on all those rides? That's the first thing we'll do when I get home. Tell Willis to save up a lot of money.

We have a real funny-looking boy in here. We call him Toon because he looks like a cartoon. He's only a little older than you are. I told him about you and he asked if you had a boyfriend and I said yes, you did.

Icy, I am going to try to get out of here as soon as I can so we can be a family again. I don't know the exact date, but I hope it's soon. Your favorite brother, Reese

I've felt bad in my life, but never so bad as when Mr. Cintron walked away. It was as if everything I had hoped for was gone. He had even put Icy on my mail list, and now I didn't know if I could send her the letter I had written. I remembered what she had written, to think about her at nine o'clock and she would be thinking about me. But I couldn't think about anything except that I had messed up again.

I wanted to see what the rest of the guys were thinking. There wouldn't be any talking at lunchtime, but maybe I could see something in their faces. That's what I thought, but Mr. Wilson brought my lunch to me and I had to eat it in my cell.

"Is that all you know?" he asked. "Settle everything by fighting? Isn't that the kind of low-life crap that got you in here?"

"Yes, sir."

"You know, all Mr. Cintron has to do is to write you up and they'll send you right upstate with that kid you had the fight with. Then the two of you can fight all you want," Mr. Wilson said.

He looked at me like I was nothing, and that was the way I felt. But when he left, I thought about what he had said. Maybe he went home and dealt with his family and his friends like he wanted, but I had to deal with what I found at Progress.

I wanted to pray, but I don't like doing that kind of stuff. I mean, to me, praying sounds lame. You've messed up and then you go asking God to let you cop a plea. One time I heard Mama praying. She was in her bedroom and I thought she was praying to get off that stuff she was using, and I leaned against the door to hear her. But she was praying for ten dollars so she could buy some food. I knew what she would be buying with the ten dollars if she got it.