Joe Lansdale - Captains Outrageous

“Of course,” Cesar said.

“Are they big?”

“Big enough, senor.”

“As in big and mean?”

“I would say so. Yes, senor, big and mean.”

“Shit.”

“Armed of course?” I asked.

“Unless those big bumps under their arms are breasts that have slid sideways, I believe so, senor.”

“Maybe we could talk them into just arm wrestling us for her?” Leonard said.

“Will you two just shut up,” Jim Bob said.

I looked at Leonard and grinned. He wrinkled his mouth into a near smile. Brett reached over, patted me on the leg. She either loved my humor or was kind enough to make me think so.

“The best time to grab the woman would be when they come up from dinner to their room,” Cesar said. “They have a very nice room at the top of the hotel.”

“You know they’re in this room because they always are?” I asked.

“Yes. Juan Miguel pays for this, so he sees she has the best. Tomorrow, that will be the day when she does the serious shopping. It is too late today, and I am too tired. I say we have a good dinner, rest, and tomorrow, I will tail them. Is that how you say it, Jim Bob, tail them?”

“Yeah,” Jim Bob said.

“I will tail them, and then when she has her dinner, you will be prepared when she comes up, and you will take care of the guards-”

“Hey, I don’t want to kill these guys,” I said. “That’s not part of the deal. We want Juan Miguel and the walking haystack, but these other guys, I don’t want to kill them.”

“Then do not,” Cesar said. “But take care of them. Make your choice. Take the woman. Make her quiet.”

“Then what?” Leonard said. “Do we knock her unconscious, beat her up in the hall?”

“Do not worry,” Cesar said. “I have brought the chloroform. You put it on a rag, give her a whiff, and she will fall to the ground. You can do it with the guards too, but they may not fall so fast. They are big and strong and most certainly willful. I leave that to you.”

“You know,” I said to Jim Bob, “I think your additions to my basic plan aren’t all that better than the basic plan. My plan sucks, and this is better?”

“Believe me,” Jim Bob said. “It’s better. And there’s more to it. Most of it will be passed on to you on a need-to-know basis.”

“Boss,” Leonard said. “Dat a good idea. We don’t wants lots of stuffs in our haids might be confusin’.”

“You got that right,” Jim Bob said.

“I suppose Jim Bob has told you that you are all listed under false names?” Cesar said.

“He failed to mention that,” I said.

“I was going to,” Jim Bob said. He told us our false names.

Cesar said, “Meet here at four P.M. tomorrow, local time. If you have watches, make sure they are set correctly. Come to this room and wait until you get a phone call.”

“From who?” I asked.

“From me. I will be watching her. Ferdinand will let you in so you can wait. I will call when they are near.”

“What about guns?” Leonard said.

“I will take care of that, my friend,” Cesar said.

Jim Bob said, “I’m going to my room now, going to watch a little Mexican TV, then get a good night’s sleep. What about you, Leonard?”

“I got a key,” Leonard said. “I’ll come along shortly.”

“Suit yourself,” Jim Bob said, and left the room.

Leonard went with me and Brett to our room, had another drink. I said, “This thing is starting to involve more people than the U.S. Army. And it seems like there’s more people to hurt all the time. All I want to do is nab the woman, set her up as an insurance policy for us so we can do what we have to do.”

“It’ll be okay, Hap,” Leonard said. He stood up. “Good night, brother. Good night, Brett.”

Next morning after breakfast I couldn’t bring myself to sit in the hotel room, because all I did then was brood on our plans. The old saw about revenge is a dish best served cold is bullshit. Revenge is only sweet in the heat of the moment.

Brett was willing, so we went walking. The streets were crowded and the air was blistering to the eyes. Within fifteen minutes the pollution had done a job on my throat. It felt as if a little man with a bad temper had moved into my mouth and sandpapered my tonsils.

We walked over to the Anthropology Museum and looked around. I loved it. Deep inside me I felt old longings. As a child I had often thought of teaching, perhaps archaeology or history. Here I was, in my forties, a night guard in a chicken plant. I didn’t even have a college education, just a piece of one. There wasn’t much point thinking about what might have been, but as we walked about and looked at things, I thought about it anyway.

“I wish we had time to go out and see the pyramids,” Brett said. “The Temple of the Sun and the Moon aren’t far from here. A day’s excursion.”

I looked at my watch. “How about lunch instead?”

“Lunch is good.”

We left the museum and walked until we came to an interesting restaurant. It wasn’t fancy, but it wasn’t exactly a hole in the wall either. No one spoke English there, so we pointed at the menu a lot, not sure of what we were getting.

It turned out to be something the waiter called mole de quajalote, and it was good. It tasted like some kind of bird, maybe turkey, in a very sweet sauce. We also had a dish called cochinita pibil, which I could tell was made from pork.

When we finished with the meal, they brought out a sweet bread and a kind of pudding made of milk, fruit, sugar, and stuff I couldn’t identify. It was too sweet for me.

Feeling like funnel-fed geese, we decided to walk off the meal. Outside the air was rawer than before. It had a stench, like gasoline mixed with sewage, tortillas, and frying meat. The last two smells came from the large number of vendors who cooked you meals on the spot. Chances were, you ate the stuff in the square, you could get a case of the squirts that would make a mud slide seem tame.

We looked at huge and beautiful churches, took a short walking tour that was guided by a man that almost spoke English, though it was certainly better than my Spanish, and finally we ended up at the Mexico City zoo. It was a huge zoo, well tended, but as always, like circuses, it made me sad. Polar bears housed in southern regions do not consider themselves on a tropical vacation. They just look lost.

About three in the afternoon we caught a taxi, found out our first experience had not been a fluke. This taxi ride was just as scary, and by the time we arrived back at the hotel, the sweet sauce I had eaten was nestled in the back of my throat.

We went up to our room, brushed our teeth, looked at our watches. We were about fifteen minutes early. We checked to make sure both our watches said the same thing. They did. Finally, we said fuck it, walked over to Cesar’s room, knocked on the door.

Ferdinand let us in. About five minutes later, Leonard showed up.

“You sightsee?” I said.

“Just the back of my eyelids,” Leonard said. “I slept in. Jim Bob snores like a goddamn bear. I didn’t sleep good last night. I’m sort of pissed off, actually. I don’t like it when I don’t sleep well.”

“Where’s Jim Bob?” Brett said.

“He was gone when I got up. I grabbed some lunch, read a Western Jim Bob had brought with him, went to the bathroom a lot, blew my nose, looked out the window, and here I am.”

“Quite a prosperous day,” I said.

There was a knock on the door. I looked through the peephole. Jim Bob was shooting me the finger.

I opened the door, said, “What an adolescent.”

“I drop these pants, boy, you’ll think adolescent. Calling me a child is like calling-”