Joe Lansdale: Captains Outrageous

“Pretty soon.”

I pulled down nonmatching cups, poured coffee. Charlie sat on the couch and drank his, I leaned against the sink. The man sat by Charlie with his hands in his lap, looking around. It was as if he was avoiding placing his arms or hands on the sofa for fear of contamination, or a possible attack from a rat hidden in the cotton.

“I’m just living here till they get my condo built,” I said.

He turned toward me. This time he did smile. Nothing to get excited about, but teeth were involved.

“This is Elmer Bond, Hap,” Charlie said.

The name hit me. That had been the girl’s name, the one that had been stomped by the maniac. Bond. Sarah Bond.

I switched my cup to my left hand, stepped over and shook his hand. “I presume you’re kin to Sarah Bond.”

“Father,” he said.

“I’m sorry about what happened. How is she?”

“Not good. But better. She’ll live. She lost an eye. There’ll be extensive plastic surgery. But, thanks to you, she’ll live, and the bastard who did this to her is in custody. I hope he decides to hang himself, but if he doesn’t, I hope they give him the needle. I’m not very sympathetic to him.”

“I wouldn’t expect you to be,” I said.

“Mr. Collins,” he said. “I-”

“Hap. My dad was Mr. Collins, and he didn’t like being called that either.”

“Hap. I came here to thank you personally for saving my daughter’s life.”

“You’re welcome.”

“I want to show my appreciation by giving you a check for a hundred thousand dollars.”

“Do what?”

“A check, for a hundred thousand dollars. I’ll write it out now.”

“Hey, you don’t owe me anything for that.”

“I’d like to give it to you anyway.”

“That’s a lot of money.”

“Not to me. It’s a drop in the bucket. I’m wealthy, Hap. Money is not a problem. A hundred thousand is not a problem. I’m not paying you for doing what you thought you should do, I’m showing my appreciation. Thanks and a handshake is very nice, but a hundred thousand dollars is better. I did the same for Miss Drew.”

“Drew?”

“Ella May,” Charlie said.

“I don’t want to be paid, Mr. Bond.”

“Elmer. If you’re Hap, I’m Elmer.”

“I don’t want to be paid, Elmer.”

“Certainly, I can’t wrestle you to the floor and make you take it and spend it on yourself, but hear me out. My daughter is sixteen years old, Hap. Sixteen. A baby. She was attending a church function. Just got her driver’s license. Has hardly been driving at all. This… human… No… this animal, this thing. A man named Bill Merchant, he knew my daughter. They went to school together, though he dropped out his junior year. He’s a few years older. Did you know that he’s only eighteen?”

“I knew he was young. One of the reasons I was amazed at the way he fought.”

“Drugs,” Charlie said. “Pills. Alcohol. Ritalin. Lots of Ritalin.”

“I thought that was a medicine for hyperactivity,” I said. “Attention deficit.”

“It is,” Charlie said. “If you have those problems. But if you don’t, it works like speed. Bruce Lee couldn’t have beat that guy that night, Hap. He was on that and everything else.”

“I want to finish,” Elmer said.

“Sorry,” Charlie said. “Please.”

“He had just been released from a juvenile facility. He was there for rape. This happened shortly after he dropped out of LaBorde High School. He’s been a problem kid all his life. When I say just released, I mean the day before. For whatever reason, he parked his mother’s car outside the church and began to drink and take pills, or whatever it was he took. When Sarah came out, he spotted her, and perhaps because he knew her, or because she’s pretty – or was pretty – he went over to speak to her, pulled her in the car in front of half a dozen witnesses. He drove her to a little stretch of woods on the edge of town, pulled her out of the car, into the woods, and raped her. She escaped. He chased her. The woods came out against the chicken plant fence. He caught her there. He raped her again. He bit… Do you hear me, Hap? He bit, one of her nipples off, then he began to beat her and stomp her. He stomped her face in, Hap. In! Just like it was made of cardboard. Crushed her jaw, her cheeks. Knocked out teeth, and he stomped out her eye. Stomped it out. She’s going to have to have a glass eye. A fucking glass eye.”

“Easy,” Charlie said.

Elmer had started to tremble. Tears were running down his cheeks, and I was just about to cry myself.

“My daughter was beautiful, Hap. She wanted to be a model. They’ll fix her some. Her face will probably be all right, for the most part. She’ll have a glass eye, a false jaw and teeth. That’s just one bad side. Worse, she’ll have this asshole who did this to her inside her head the rest of her life. But you know what?”

“What?” I said.

“She’ll remember you too. You’ll be there too. When she gets well she’ll want to see you. She said you’re her knight in shining armor. You came over that fence when she had given up all hope. She knew her life was gone, and you saved her, Hap. You fought the dragon, and you defeated him.”

“With help,” I said.

“You laid him low. I only regret you didn’t kill him.”

“It crossed my mind,” I said. “I had it to do over, I don’t know what I’d do.”

“But you saved my baby, Hap. I want you to take the money. God, may I use your bathroom to wash my face.”

“Sure.” I pointed it out to him.

When the water was running in the bathroom, Charlie said, “Take the money, Hap. It would make him feel better. And it’ll make you feel better. You could use it. This is a break you deserve. For Christ sake, take it. And hand me one of those doughnuts.”

A moment later Elmer came out of the bathroom. He reached in his pocket and took out a small photograph of a beautiful young woman. “That’s Sarah,” he said. “Before the beating. Look at her. She was beautiful. And inside, she’s even more beautiful. More than her face, he stomped on her spirit.”

“I can’t find the right words,” I said. “All I’ve got is I’m sorry. And I’m glad I was there. I only wish I had been there earlier.”

“And I have to wish you had killed the sonofabitch, but what you did stopped him from killing her. That’s the important part, Hap. You saved her life.”

Elmer looked at the photo once more, put it back in his pocket. He looked teary again. He said, “I’ll take that cup of coffee now.”

I got down a cup and poured him some. When I gave it to him, he said, “I want you to take the money. I want you to go on vacation, or buy something for yourself, take a month off from the chicken plant. Take that buddy of yours” – he turned his head to Charlie – “what’s the name?”

“Leonard,” Charlie said. “Leonard Pine.”

“Charlie told me all about you, Hap. About you and Leonard. I want you to take the money. Please take the money.”

“I’ll take the money, Elmer. But as for the vacation and the month off, I don’t think so. The chicken plant frowns on that sort of thing.”

Charlie grinned.

Elmer said, “No it doesn’t. Not in this case. I own the plant.”

LEONARD AND I were shooting pool with John at the LaBorde Rec Center, which in spite of its name is not for kiddies. It was a place where you could buy a beer, shoot some pool, see football games and boxing matches on a huge television, and watch guys scratch their nuts and try and pick up women. And from time to time guys try to pick up guys and women pick up women.

The bartender, Marlie, was a bull dyke with a flattop and a body the size and shape of a small sumo wrestler, or if you prefer, a three-hundred-pound potato. Fortunately, she didn’t dress like a sumo wrestler or a potato. She always wore gray coveralls with the sleeves cut out, so you could see her big biceps and tattoos, like: MOTHER NEVER LOVED ME, AND SO WHAT?