Grant McCrea - Dead Money

I like it when things work out like that. Can we get back to Sarah?

I found her in a bar downtown. Ratty couches. Black light. Candles.

Nice.

She was smoking a clove cigarette.

Ugh.

Indeed. She was a little uptight at first. The cops had talked to her yesterday. Seems she wasn’t too happy about that. Not a big fan. Didn’t have anything to tell them. On the other hand, she didn’t have much to tell me, either.

Did she admit to being Larry’s girlfriend?

She didn’t exactly deny it. She didn’t like the word. But she lived with him. Some dank little studio off Delancey Street. She was with him the day he died, earlier on. She didn’t know anything about Jules. Or any money Larry owed him.

Not a whole lot of help.

No, but she did tell me a bit about the guy. Sounded like a snake.

A loser kind of snake.

Not a great snake success. But he was always looking for a scam. Always thinking the next one was going to be the big one. They’d be set for life.

The usual.

Sure. He was talking about how if his parents were rich he and Sarah could pretend he was kidnapped, get a ransom out of them, disappear with the money. But his parents are some kind of farmers or something.

So I’ve heard.

They wouldn’t get far with a goat and some chickens.

I guess they could ride the goat out of town.

Into the sunset. Sure.

I mean, she seemed to find him sort of sexy, in a loser sort of way. I got a bit of S amp;M flavor, from the way she talked about him. He had a mean streak. Had his share of incidents. Big scar on his stomach he said came from a knife fight. Never been arrested, though. Or so she said. Strangely enough, for a guy like that.

What about the poker angle? She know anything about this poker game?

Nothing specific. He played poker. Went off to a game once in a while, usually all night. He’d come home after the sun had come up. Sometimes he’d have a bunch of cash. More often tapped out.

Did she know who he played with?

Just ‘the guys.’ You know.

Not inconceivable that he and Jules had cooked up some kind of poker scam. Ripped somebody off. Made an enemy. Or argued over the spoils.

One doesn’t exclude the other.

Could be either. Or both.

But if it happened, she didn’t know anything about it.

Or wasn’t saying.

Or wasn’t saying.

And I suppose whoever they ripped off might have followed Larry to Jules’s place, waited outside. Followed him. Bashed in his head. When the moment seemed right.

Well. It’s not impossible.

You don’t seem entirely convinced.

What’s to convince? It’s not inconsistent with what we know. But there’s not much positive in support of it, either.

But you don’t think I’m off the deep end?

Not any more than usual.

Thanks, babe. I knew I could count on you.

Let’s talk about sex.

You know I hate it when you do that, I said.

Let’s do it anyway.

I’d rather go dancing.

Then let’s go dancing.

I was being ironic.

So what?

You know I can’t dance.

You can watch me.

Yeah, that’ll be fun.

Why does nobody know how to eat pussy anymore?

Come on.

Really. Why not? Don’t you have a theory? You always have a theory.

Did they used to?

Darren did.

Yes. But he was Australian.

I could get past that.

That’s not what you said at the time. And anyway, wasn’t he the one with the button dick?

That was a problem.

I would think.

It was so embarrassing.

Imagine how he felt about it.

That’s what I mean.

Sad.

Shocking.

You still haven’t gotten over it, I’m sure.

And he was so pretty, too. What a waste.

And so dumb.

But oh, he could eat pussy.

Overcompensation, I guess.

Yes, well, she said. If you’re going to overcompensate, there are worse ways.

Skeet shooting?

Fast cars.

Random anger?

Bar fights.

Homicide?

Compulsive eating.

All of the above?

I think I dated that guy.

Listen, honey, all this sex talk makes me depressed.

Poor baby.

I mean it.

You really ought to drop this martyr thing, Rick. Get yourself a girlfriend.

I can’t do that, I said.

Why not? Everybody else does.

I just can’t.

Come on, darling. Give in to it. Lust can be fun.

Lust. I’d felt it all the time, an age ago, or two it seemed. Resisting temptation had never been my long suit.

But now, there was nothing to give in to.

So I gave in to Dorita. We went to a joint she loved. In the meatpacking district. Transsexuals. Bikers. Investment bankers. In short, the usual Saturday night crowd. We drank. She drank more. She danced on the bar with the other exhibitionists. Flirted with the bartender, a blonde named Erika. I watched. Attractive women all around. I wished I knew how to flirt.

I stood against the wall. I smoked a whole pack of cigarettes.

It was a lot like high school.

Dorita started talking to a muscular guy with a deep tan and a leather jacket. She stood very close to him. He put his hand on her waist, leaned in to whisper something in her ear. His teeth sparkled. She laughed.

Time for me to leave.

I left.

Dorita didn’t seem to notice.

I didn’t mind. I knew that she’d say sorry later. That she’d mean it. That it didn’t matter, in the end.

Outside it had begun to rain. I hailed a cab. The back seat smelled of wet newspapers and stale chewing gum.

At home, the lights were out. I groped my way upstairs. I didn’t want to turn on any lights. Wake Melissa up. Have to deal.

Let Steiglitz deal.

Monday morning my teeth hurt. Why should today be different from any other day? I asked myself. Every day they hurt. I grind them in the night.

Two hours of tossing and grinding hadn’t rested me. I smoothed my suit. I’d slept in it. It would have to do.

I unlocked the pill drawer. Paxil, 30 milligrams, to bring the anxiety down. Wellbutrin, 150 milligrams, to jack the initiative back up. Another 75, slow release, to keep it going. Valium, unprescribed, to take the edge off. Prilosec, 30 milligrams, for the reflux.

None of these had any perceptible effect. It was only when I didn’t take them that I felt it. In spades. Bricks on my shoulders. Pains in my gut. Darkness all over.

Thank God for chemistry. I was a walking talking lab rat, but at least I wasn’t miserable. Well. At least I wasn’t as miserable as I used to be.

I went downstairs. Melissa was on the couch. Face up, mouth open. She looked dead. I was used to that. It was the dry skin, I think, that created the effect. The first few times I’d noticed it, I’d been afraid. I’d woken her up. But it was no longer fear I felt, when I saw her this way. A mild dread, perhaps. Curiosity.

In the kitchen, Kelly was eating breakfast. Scrambled eggs and toast. Maple syrup. Too much of it.

Kelly was my consolation.

I worried about her weight, though. Much more than she did. In fact, she professed not to care. I didn’t believe it. Though knowing Kelly, I should have. She wasn’t given to mendacity.

She was on the wrestling team. The boys’ team. There was no girls’ wrestling team.

She was very strong. I’d noticed it years before, when she was young. I’d told her so.

You’re so strong, I’d said, it’s amazing.

I knew, as a father will, that it was my remark, so long ago, that had inspired her to test her strength against the boys. I was proud of it. And afraid. Proud that my daughter would think my opinion so important as to manifest it in her life. Afraid at the power I wielded. That I might wield it badly.