Ed Gorman: Save The Last Dance For Me

Kenny Thibodeau made it easy for me. He was sitting in the town square reading a John Steinbeck paperback, In Dubious

Battle.

His black uniform was intact. Even his shades were black. The only way I knew he saw me was the way he tilted his head up at me.

“Hey, man.”

“Hey, man, yourself, Kenny.”

I sat down next to him on the bench.

“How they hangin’, man?”

“Oh, you know,” I said. I’ve never known how to answer that particular cliche. They’re hangin’ low, hangin’ high? Which way is best? “How’s the writing going?”

“Pretty good. They jumped me up in advances.”

Two paperbacks rested on the pigeon-blessed bench between us.

“Take ‘em, I was gonna give ‘em to you anyway when I ran into you.”

I picked them up. The covers were nicely illustrated. One showed a virginal young blonde woman in a matching skirt and sweater and bobby sox and penny loafers staring over her shoulder at a severe but coldly beautiful older woman standing in a shadowed doorway. “Student Advisor

… Lesbos ruled this campus until a stud professor was hired.” The other one featured a well-built shirtless young girl in bed with a nearly naked older woman. “Sex Machine… His “tools of the trade” could turn lesbos into man-lovers.”

“The Nobel Committee wants every copy of those they can find,” he said.

“Yeah?”

“Yeah,” he laughed, “so they can burn ‘em.”

“You ever actually meet a lesbian?”

“I heard one on the radio once.”

“How do you know she was a lesbian?”

“She said she was.”

“I guess that’s one way of telling.” Then I said, “My cousin’s a lesbian and she’s actually very nice. I mean, nobody in the family wants to acknowledge it but she never even pretends to be interested in guys romantically.”

“Maybe you could introduce me to her sometime.

You know, maybe she could teach me how they talk, code words, stuff like that.”

“I think they talk pretty much like everybody else. At least Alison does.”

“You mean Dr. Edmond DeMille wasn’t right? They don’t have a secret handshake?”

“Who’s Dr. Edmond DeMille?”

“I am. That’s one of my pen names. I wrote a book called When Your Daughter Is a Lesbo. DeMille is even more full of shit than I am.”

That was Kenny’s greatest virtue. The self-deprecation. He didn’t harangue you the way some of his compatriots did. I’d never even heard him describe anybody as “square.” That was why I liked his books, too.

I appreciated the errant erections they sometimes inspired but even more I appreciated the humor he was able to sneak in.

“My mom tells me you did an article on Muldaur.”

“Yeah,” he said. “Hey, wasn’t that wild?

Him dying and all.”

“The Judge wants me to find out what happened before Richard Nixon gets here.”

He whipped his shades off. “Richard

Nixon is coming here?”

“That’s right. In six days. Having dinner with her at her club.”

“That Nazi.”

“I agree, Kenny. But right now I need to know about Muldaur. You find out anything interesting about him?”

“Interesting meaning sleazy?”

“Yeah. Something like that.”

“He was porking a lot of the ladies in his flocks.”

“That I’ve heard.”

“And then about six months ago, he came into some money.”

“Inherited, you mean?”

Kenny shook his head. He had beagle brown eyes. Plaintive. He made you want to put a dog biscuit in his paw. “I guess not.

He just suddenly had some money. Paid off the loan on that garage he uses for his church. Paid off a lot of bills, too.”

“But nobody knows where the money came from?”

“Nobody I talked to.”

“Wonder where he’d get money? The place he came from-^th hill people don’t have any money.” He hesitated. “You want me to see what I can find out.”

“I’d appreciate it.”

“In fact, maybe I can get some ideas from it. You know, sort of playing private eye. You ever watch “Peter Gunn?””

“Never miss it.” And I didn’t.

“How about that Mancini music?”

Henry Mancini had revolutionized television theme music. His music was as much a part of the noir feel of the show as the scripts and the actors.

Kenny put his glasses back on. Raised his Steinbeck. “Writing sleaze is starting to take its toll on me, man.”

I stood up. “How so?”

“Even readin’ somebody like Steinbeck. You know, like this really serious, really fine writer. I keep waiting for the sex scenes now.”

“Yeah, I can see where that could get to be a problem.”

“Like my mom was watchin’ Little Women the other night on the boob tube.”

“Yeah?”

“And all I could think of was how I could turn it into a sleaze book. Like all the sisters are grown up now but they’re lesbos.”

“Little Lesbos.”

“That’s exactly the title I was thinking of.

Exactly, man.”

“I’d hold off on that one awhile, Kenny.”

“Yeah, for one thing, the people who read my books -they probably wouldn’t see the parallel to Louisa May Alcott anyway.”

Little Lesbos.

At least it was alliterative.

A squat, plump puppy followed me out of the town square and all the way to the sidewalk, then went bounding back to his people.

The heat wasn’t too bad yet-st in the low seventies-j the sort of temperature plump little puppies love.

“I wouldn’t expect you to like him, McCain.

He’s a cultured gentleman.”

“Yeah, some cultured gentleman, the way he went after Alger Hiss.”

“Alger Hiss is pink right down to his lace panties.”

“Nixon himself said that.”

“Wrong,” she said, pleased, as always, to correct me. “That was Harry Truman himself, McCain.”

“Bull roar.”

“Bull roar yourself. Look it up. Harry Truman, the darling of the lefties, had a crony out in California he wanted to run for congress.

Felt the man could beat Nixon. Then Helen Gahagan Douglas came along and decided to run against Nixon. It was Harry Truman who started the story she was a commie. And Harry Truman who came up with that remark about being pink down to her panties. Dick Nixon merely picked it up.”

I would’ve argued with her but the tale was just unlikely enough to be true. Ever since Ike got in, Democrats have tended to canonize Truman. But you don’t want to look too closely or too long at him. Most of us, me certainly included, don’t hold up under that kind of scrutiny.

Judge Esme Anne Whitney was fashion-model elegant as ever, poised, prim, and regal against the long windows on the east wall. White summer suit, white pumps, Gauloise cigarette, glass of brandy. We were in her chambers-s much mahogany it was like living in the heart of a tree-and yes it was but eleven A.M. and yes, you did read correctly, a glass of brandy in her slender hand. She claims it helps her concentrate. The amazing thing is that she never shows the merest effect.

I laughed. “Haven’t we had this argument before?”

Judge Esme Anne Whitney didn’t laugh. Just took another dramatic drag on her Gauloise. “Don’t worry, McCain.

I won’t make you meet him when he comes out here.” She shook her head. “You and Ike.”

“Me and Ike?”

“The General can’t stand him. And poor Dick has always done everything he can to please the man.

I like Ike very much, as you know-he and my father used to down shots together in New York after the first war -but I don’t think he’s ever been very fair about Dick.” She turned on me. “And that’s why I want you to get this ridiculous snake mess cleared up. My Lord, we’ll look like hillbillies. Snakes and Ozark faith healers. Good grief. The man is an intellectual, for God’s sake.” She frowned. “For once I don’t even care about humiliating Cliffie for the sake of my family honor. I just want the culprit caught and put away.” She set herself on the edge of her desk.