Richard Stevenson - Chain of Fools

"And while I was over there, the Capitol Police got word that you were sitting in Myron's office-"

"You called them, Timothy! Admit it! You told us we could meet with Assemblyman Lipshutz, and then you went out and called the cops, and we all got arrested. We spent the night in the lockup while you were probably down at the bar at Le Briquet having a good laugh over how you put one over on the dyke and faggot riffraff."

"Dale," Timmy said, "you are wrong, wrong, wrong-as you are every once in a great while You are as sharp as they come, Dale, but you don't know me. Or Myron Lipshutz. It was Assemblyman Metcalfe, across the corridor, who called the cops on you, and both Myron and I were furious when we came back to the office fifteen minutes later and found out what had happened. It was Myron who got you all a lawyer from Lambda Legal Defense, and it was Myron who, a week later, got another twelve million transferred to AIDS home care from the health administration budget. So if that incident is the cause of your attitude toward me, an adjustment is in order. An apology, I'm sure, is much too much to hope for."

Janet and I each had a swig of beer and watched as Dale carefully considered this. Finally, she said, "How come we never heard this version of events at the time?"

"Because," Timmy said, relaxed and enjoying himself now, "Myron knew he'd never get the extra twelve million if it looked like he was in bed with extortionists. He wanted results, not a lot of-'diarrhea' was Saul Alinsky's term for righteous public explosions that make the demonstrators feel better but achieve nothing lasting. And Myron got results "

Dale sniffed. "The twelve million was a drop in the bucket, speaking of diarrhea. Anyway, without ACT-UP there to remind the legislature of the huge, crying need, the appropriation would have been half what it was."

"That is correct," Timmy said. "ACT-UP and other better-behaved groups-each group in its own way-got their points across. They made a big difference."

Dale seemed to relax a bit. She gulped some beer down, then said to Timmy, "Okay, Timothy, my man. You passed the test. You're it."

"Gee whiz, thanks."

" 'Gee whiz.' There's another one of those old-timey exclamations you like to use that we hardly ever hear anymore. Sort of like 'golly gee.' Or 'gee willikers.' I don't suppose, though, that there would be a genetic predisposition to those funny expressions in any of your progeny. So, Timothy, you're it."

Timmy shifted uneasily on his chaise. "What do you mean, 'it'?"

"Janet and I decided several months ago to have a child I'll be the biological mother. We need a sperm donor, and with Janet's endorsement I've been testing you to see what you're made of. You've passed the test. We need to get to it soon, if you're healthy and it's okay with you, because my clock's running out. And let's not fool around with turkey basters, either. That's so cold and clinical for such an intimate- sacred really-ritual of creation. So Whaddya say, Tim, old man? Are you up to it? Ready for some fructification?"

Timmy stared at Dale, and even though it wasn't, his look was that of a man whose hair was standing on end.

Later that night, in June's four-poster, Timmy said, "I hope you're not hurt that they didn't ask you, Don "

I said, "No, their reasons for chosing you are perfectly valid. They think you would be the more loyal and loving and attentive father- or father figure, as Dale insists on calling it-and they're right. If they had asked me, I'd have said no thanks, I've never had the urge. But you knew right away it was something you'd missed in life, and you wanted deeply to do it, even though you'd never realized it before."

"That's right."

"But I'll be interested to be the father-figure-in-law-once-removed, or whatever you call it."

"I know you will."

"I don't know about those names they've picked, though. Shira Osborne-Kotlowicz? Yussie Osborne-Kotlowicz?"

"That's up to them. The names sound fine to me."

"You're not going to press for Sean Callahan-Kotlowicz-Osborne? Or Heather Kotlowicz-Osborne-Callahan?"

"No, I don't care what the name is. I'm just- exhilarated is the only word for it-at the idea of creating a human being that's part of me and yet will have a life-a life! — that's all its own."

"I understand that, Timothy. It's not what I want, somehow, but I hear you, and I love it that you're thrilled."

"I am relieved, though, that Dale relented and is willing to use indirect means for the impregnation. I guess I could have managed it, but-really. Geez."

"She's still threatening to jump you some night, though. And, hey, you might be surprised. There might be another revelation in store."

"I have a feeling," Timmy said, "that I would have figured that one out earlier in life. It isn't as though I wasn't encouraged to do so."

"Just think," I said, "you're going to make a human life, and the whole story of that life started with Skeeter back in high school in Poughkeepsie. I'll bet he'll be happy when he hears about it, and even proud."

Timmy became thoughtful at the mention of Skeeter. After a moment, he said, "Maybe Eldon would make a good name for a baby."

"Yeah," I said. "Or Eldona."

We talked for a long time under June's canopy, and decided that one day Eldon or Eldona would be editor of a great newspaper, or- if great newspapers didn't exist anymore in the twenty-first century- a series of feisty pamphlets passed from hand to hand.

Dan Osborne plea-bargained a sentence of one year for his role in the jewel robbery. Tacker Puderbaugh and his Jet Ski-riding accomplice in the arson and the other intimidating "pranks" were convicted and drew sentences of twelve to fifteen years. Chester, charged with conspiracy to commit mayhem, copped a plea and escaped with probation. June got off free too, although the county art museum suspended her for one year as the curator of the annual canoes-at-sunrise show. Parson and Evangeline Bates turned against June and Dick Puderbaugh, and Parson wrote a column in the Herald attacking the "liberal judge with his own agenda" who let June off.

Suddenly preoccupied, Chester Osborne canceled the proceeding to have his wife committed. Pauline soon left Edensburg in her Lexuswith a trunk full of bearer bonds, it was rumored-and moved into a hilltop house with a tennis court in La Jolla, California. Arlene Thurber visited Dan once a week in the year he spent in prison and brought homemade brownies for Dan and some of the other inmates.

Stu Torkildson was convicted on Dan's testimony and the DNA evidence on the camera tripod. I visited him in jail while he was awaiting trial, and I asked him how he could have blundered so stupidly in launching the jewel-heist scheme-or big drug deal, as he had originally proposed, according to Dan. I said I thought the Spruce Haven disaster would have dissuaded Torkildson from doing anything hugely risky ever again.

Torkildson gave me his most ingratiating sneer and said, "The drug deal that was going to save the Herald — which editorializes against the scourge of drugs, what a laugh-wasn't my idea at all. I argued against it strenuously, Strachey, and if I hadn't given in, against my better judgment, this entire fiasco-Dan's absurd accusation that I murdered Eric, as well as all the rest of it-could have been avoided. I'm not admitting anything in court, mind you. But if I said something to Dan that he construed as my recommending a big drug deal that could save the Herald, I will tell you confidentially that I was urged to do so by another party who was determined at any cost to keep the Herald in the Osborne family."

He watched me with his eyes that gave nothing away, and I said, "All right, who? Who urged you to save the Herald 'with a big drug deal, Stu?"