Stuart Kaminsky - Never Cross A Vampire

The lights went on. The place was not exactly lit like a sound stage, but it was lit, and I could see Billings’s pale face. He started to draw back into his hole and I shouted, “Oh no, ease your belly down here, Count.”

He came down slowly, sheepishly, heavily. He was wearing his vampire costume, and he looked frightened. He had reason to be.

“Let’s go downstairs,” I said, letting him lead the way. I blew out the candle and put it on the landing.

“I didn’t…” he began on the second floor when he saw his broken railing.

“Yes, you did,” I said, prodding him gently with my hand. The point on my back where Vernoff had hit me was throbbing violently.

On the main floor, Billings tried to turn toward the rear of the house, but I guided him into the living room. Vernoff was lying there, his eyes open, staring at his hand, which would type no more of the plots his smashed skull could not deliver. Billings tried not to look at the corpse, but he was fascinated and finally fixed his eyes on it.

“That’s what a real dead one looks like, Count,” I said. “Does it get you all excited? Ah, ah, no running for the toilet. You’re a great big vampire, aren’t you? You were going to put the fear of heaven and hell into Bela Lugosi with your threats.”

“How did you know it was me?” he said, his eyes still fixed on Vernoff’s body.

“Sam,” I said. “I’ve got a blow for you. You are the only member of the Dark Knights who takes the thing seriously. The others have their own hobby horses. Riding Lugosi was yours. I’d like to know why.”

Billings forced his eyes away from Vernoff and roamed the room. I followed him and realized that I had seen the place somewhere before. I was getting that feeling a lot.

“This is Dr. Seward’s living room.” he said softly. “His office is next door.”

Lugosi appeared at the door behind Billings. He was about to speak, but his eyes too scanned the room in recognition.

“It’s exactly like the rooms in Dracula,” Billings said. “That was more than a movie for me. It was a possibility, a possibility that couldn’t be betrayed. Don’t you see? I couldn’t let Lugosi, the real Count, sink to ridicule.” Billings still did not see Lugosi, who watched from the door and listened.

“You see,” continued Billings, “he is not a real vampire, but an inspiration to those of us who are.”

“You’re a real vampire?” I said.

Billings nodded in confession.

“You have a coffin you sleep in and the whole works?” I said in disbelief.

“Yes,” said Billings. “In the cellar.”

“Have you ever…” I began. “I mean blood.”

“Not yet,” he said seriously. “But soon.”

Lugosi took a step into the room, and Billings turned toward him with a gasp.

“Mr. Billings,” Lugosi said gently. “Neither you nor I are vampires. We are simply men with dreams that do not come true and with which we must learn to live.”

“No,” said Billings defiantly. His next no was less defiant and more to a voice within him than to Lugosi or to me. Finally, he looked at Vernoff’s corpse and sank into a chair with his eyes closed.

“The police will be here momentarily,” Lugosi said. “I fear your Mr. Wernhoff is dead.”

I looked at Lugosi with curiosity through my pain, and he looked down at his costume and gave a smile of understanding.

“Tonight I am to appear at a screening of Dracula at an Army benefit performance. I have a little act taken from my stage role as Dracula which I can do. It’s not much, but it goes nicely with the picture. You told me you were coming here, and you sounded troubled, so I came in a cab. I found the theater closed and came to the house. The door was opened, and I heard your voice and Mr. Wernhoff’s above. I came up and saw him with the gun on you, so I moved into the next room, where I found the door leading to the room you were in. I listened and tried to time my entrance so that it would be most effective and beneficial.”

“So,” I said, “you heard some of what he said?”

“Enough to know he killed some people,” sighed Lugosi. “And this poor fellow,” he said looking at Billings, “is the one who sent me those notes and the dead bat?”

“All except that last call, the death threat; that was the work of our friend on the floor. It was just to get me going in the wrong direction.”

“Yes,” sighed Lugosi. “Again I have been the red herring.” “In a way,” I said, wobbling.

“Forgive me,” said Lugosi, helping me to a chair and fishing out a cigar.

The three of us sat in silence, watching Vernoff’s corpse, for about twenty minutes. Lugosi, his cape draped over the back of his chair, smoked and threw an occasional look of pity or concern at Billings, who couldn’t bring himself to meet Lugosi’s eyes.

When Phil came in followed by Seidman, we probably looked like a quartet of corpses.

“What the hell is this?” Phil said in that combination of amazement and anger that was his alone. It meant, What has the force of evil come up with this time to make my life a walking hell.

“Guy on the floor is Vernoff,” I said.

The name rang a bell.

“The one who couldn’t give Faulkner an alibi?” said Phil.

“He didn’t want to,” I said. “He killed Shatzkin, Newcomb, and Haliburton. He was in it with Mrs. Shatzkin. He told me, and I have a reliable witness, Mr. Lugosi.”

Lugosi looked up and waved his cigar in greeting.

Phil didn’t know what to say to the familiar figure dressed like a vampire. I also realized that Phil had recognized the room but couldn’t place it. Seidman simply looked tired.

“This isn’t our jurisdiction,” said Seidman.

“It’s your case,” I said.

“Who’s that?” said Phil, pointing at Billings.

“It’s his house,” I explained.

“What has he got to do with this and why is he dressed like that?” Phil bubbled, his rage and confusion ready to burst red.

“It’s a long story,” I said, and I began to tell it while Seidman took my statement. I talked slowly but didn’t have to. Seidman knew shorthand. The slow tale was for the benefit of the rest of us.

Lugosi followed with his part, playing it with flourishes and enjoyment.

We all looked at the corpse some more while Seidman found the phone and called for someone to take care of Vernoff and Billings. Phil looked as if he wanted to throw a couple of kicks at Vernoff and might have done it if the rest of us weren’t there. I was clearly in agony from the blow to my back, my knee, and my roll down the stairs, and Lugosi was too old and well known to be hit. That left Billings, and I could see Phil savoring the possibility of a hard right to the soft figure. I watched desire rise in my brother’s eyes, the wish to hit something solid, but Billings wasn’t solid, and Phil gave up the desire and sat boiling.

Cawelti was the next one through the door. He spotted me and Phil and hesitated. He looked at Vernoff and Billings and didn’t know what to do. Seidman handed him his notebook as two uniformed police came in behind him.

“My notes will explain,” he said to Cawelti. “Get Mr. Lugosi wherever he wants to go and get this cleaned up.”

Cawelti considered a question or protest, but Phil, looking for a victim, caught his eye, and he shut up.

“Come on,” Phil said to me, pushing himself from the chair.

I got up and so did Lugosi. I took Lugosi’s frail hand and shook it.

“Thanks for saving my life,” I said.

“And thank you for a most interesting interlude,” he said. “Please send me your bill for services.”

“Right,” I said and followed Seidman and Phil into the night. The rain had turned to drizzle. I knew where we were going. “Can you drive?” Seidman asked.