Stuart Kaminsky - Never Cross A Vampire

“Revolt of the Zombies,” grinned Dave.

“Dumbo,” overrode Nate wisely.

I made it to the Farraday Building in fifteen minutes and took the elevator up because of my leg. That took another ten minutes. The building echoed empty on a Sunday morning, and I knew not even Jeremy Butler roamed the halls. He was watching the Lugosi house and probably worrying about someone defacing the sacred walls around me.

Billings was, indeed, cringing in the chair with Shelly hovering over him when I entered.

“Toby?” Shelly said, turning his glasses in my direction.

“Right,” I said. Billings looked in my direction. His eyes showed recognition.

“Got the book I was telling you about,” Shelly went on cleaning a silver mirror by blowing on it before inserting it in Billings’s mouth.

“Right over there. Civil Air Defense by Lieutenant Colonel A. M. Prentiss. Every type of bomb and every means of defense.” “Terrific,” I said, moving closer. “How’s Mr. Billings’s mouth?”

“Emergency,” Shelly said in a whisper that not only Billings but also anyone in the corridor could hear. “Lots of work. Bad situation. Never saw anything quite like it. Wears false fangs. Throws his bite off. Can you imagine?”

“Yes,” I said. “I’m the one who sent him to you, remember?”

“Right,” Shelly agreed, searching for his stub of a cigar somewhere among the magazines and instruments.

“Can I ask Mr. Billings a few questions? Quick ones?” I said, deferring to Shelly’s professional position.

“Ask, ask,” Shelly sang in delight while he continued his search.

“Mr. Billings, I need your help,” I said. Billings tried to sit up, but the chair was tilted, and Shelly reached out to push him firmly back. He didn’t want this one to escape.

“Mr. Billings,” I said, leaning close. “I need the names and addresses of all the members of the Dark Knights of Transylvania. I need the real names and real addresses, and I need them fast.” “Mr. Peters,” he said with a determined protest, “that can’t be done. The Dark Knights of Transylvania isn’t a club, it is a sacred commitment. Our membership consists only of those who believe in vampires and who are determined that the image of vampirism be respected. The world has always been full of those who do not want to know the truth. We must remain secret until the world is ready to accept the truth.”

“This is an emergency,” I said, moving my face close to his and showing my clenched teeth.

Billings looked determined, so I went on before he made it too difficult to give in, which I wasn’t going to let happen even if I had to torture the names out of him, which I didn’t think would be difficult or necessary.

“Mr. Billings,” I said. “Someone has been trying to frighten Bela Lugosi, and I have reason to believe it is one of your Dark Knights. Yesterday Lugosi got a phone call threatening his life. This is a serious business.”

Billings’s eyes had gone wide and his face pale when I mentioned the phone call. I wasn’t sure what there was about that part of my story that got to him, but it did. “I don’t understand,” he sputtered.

“I don’t either, but I’m going to find out. Now you either give me the names and addresses out of concern for the good name of your organization, sense of decency, and concern for Lugosi, or I smash your nose into a duplicate of mine.”

“And he could do it,” Shelly agreed over his shoulder, continuing to hum a tune.

Billings gave me the names and addresses, and I wrote them in my notebook.

“Thanks,” I said, patting him on the shoulder. “Shelly will give you his preferred patients discount, won’t you, Shel?”

“Right,” agreed Shelly, anxious to get to work on Billings’s distorted mouth. “The usual. I’ll definitely get an article out of this. A nut whose mouth has been distorted by vampire fangs. I’ll call it the vampire syndrome, a first in dentistry.”

“Has a nice ring,” I said, heading for the door. “You’re in good hands, Mr. Billings.”

Billings’s pudgy hand rose in response to my goodbye wave, and I headed for the door. Before I got there, Shelly told me I had a call from Jerry Vernoff. I went back to my office and called him. He answered after almost a dozen rings.

“Vernoff,” he said in a deep businesslike voice I didn’t recognize.

“Peters,” I said.

“Oh,” he answered, his voice returning to normal. “I thought it was Zugsmith, the producer. I hear he has a spy serial he needs plot work on. I have a call in to him. I’ve been clipping newspaper articles on spies for the last year, a diamond mine of plots, enough to keep five series going.” His voice was filled with excitement.

“Sounds terrific,” I said. “You called me?”

“Right,” he said. “I thought I’d try to help on the Faulkner business. If I hadn’t driven him up the wall he wouldn’t have gone out the door, and either he’d have an alibi or he wouldn’t have done Shatzkin in.”

“I prefer the alibi option,” I said.

“I tried to find a bartender who remembered seeing him,” Vernoff said. “No luck. Tried for a housemaid or something in the hotel, but nothing doing. There’s an elevator operator who thinks he saw Faulkner around nine, but he can’t be sure. I’ll keep at him, and maybe he’ll get more sure unless you want to talk to him.”

“No,” I said, testing my knee to be sure I was able to move with some show of normal animal ability. “You keep at it.” It didn’t sound like much of a lead. Even if the elevator operator started to grow more sure, he’d be cut down in a trial if it ever came to one.

“Great plot material,” Vernoff said. “Hey, I don’t want to be morbid or anything, but a man can’t help thinking professionally. You know what I mean?”

I knew what he meant. Most people had long since stopped being people to me. They were potential victims or victimizers. That’s all there was in the world except for the bedazzled and bemused semiguilty who wandered through life. The world wasn’t a place with a few dark corners, but a place with countless numbers of places to hide.

“I know,” I said. “Give me a call if you find anything. I appreciate any help I can get, and I’ll let Faulkner know.”

“Right,” he said. “And if you come up with anything, I’d really appreciate talking. I can’t help feeling a little guilty about what happened to Faulkner.”

“I know,” I said.

“I better get off the phone now,” Vernoff laughed. “Zugsmith may be trying to get through.”

I hung up so Vernoff could spend a few minutes or hours or forever waiting for that call. Vernoff had probably spent years of his life waiting for that phone to ring so he could pitch plots.

The list was short with no phone numbers and no home addresses, only businesses:

Bedelia Sue Frye, Personality Plus Beauty School, in Tarzana.

Wilson Wong, New Moon Cantonese Restaurant, on Seventh Street in Los Angeles.

Simon Derrida, The Red Herring, in Glendale.

Clinton Hill, Hill and Haley Contractors, Beverly Hills.

It was a pretty broad geographical and social spread. Since it was Sunday, there was a good chance I’d catch none of them at work. On the other hand, I had three and a half hours before I picked up Nate and Dave. Wilson Wong was the closest and, since restaurants are open on Sunday, the most likely to be at his address. The sun had warmed up the day and my disposition. Doing my Alan Ladd act on Billings had also done wonders for my ego. It’s not everyone who can threaten a short, fat, helpless would-be vampire in a dental chair.

The New Moon had its own parking lot, with eight cars in it. The restaurant itself had a wooden faзade painted red and designed in late Charlie Chan. The inside was dark and filled with whispering customers having a late lunch.